Culture Allows Poligamy

Q: I’m African in Africa... and a currently seperated from my husband (on our way to divorce) and I am dating another man (who is in a similar situation as myself but still lives with his wife in the same house but different rooms).

No man has treated me better or has been half as thoughtful as this new man has.

Even though his marriage is so bad, divorce is not an option for him right now, because of certain circumstances.

I have been praying a lot and I’m starting to think maybe I should go ahead and marry him "as a second wife". This is something we have both talked about. Our culture allows multiple wives.

This man will make a fine fatherly example for my son and I deeeply love him and he has gone above and beyond to proof to me that he feels the same way in many different situations.

What should we do? What should be considered? How do we know if is it God's will that we marry?

A: There are variables here that need addressing to counsel you on this matter. 

First lets look at Hosea 4:6:

"My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge"

Too many professing "believers" do not read and know the Scriptures, nor even study it on a matter before making a decision. 

1. If you are "new in the faith" you need to be told this is wrong and you need to repent & cut off that relationship this very second and never interacted with him again. Return to your husband. I am not sure how your Pastor has condoned this relationship. Maybe he had been unaware, if he was aware he would begun church discipline (Matt 18), but if he does condone this ... you need a new church. If you are not a member of a bible focused [non charismatic] church you need to find one asap. (See below for further understanding and direction in counsel). 

2. If you claim to be a believer "for a long time" then im not going to sugar coat this but in love tell you...woman, you need to repent! You are both committing adultery! And (based on what you said) do not seem to care that you are doing so. Do you have no fear of God?

Jesus was very clear on God's design: "one man & one woman in a life long covenant marriage". Anything else is adultery - regardless of culture. Christians do not follow pagan cultures, they follow Scripture; God's Word. It is the high authority over our lives. If you are born again you follow God.

Matthew 19:4-6 Jesus said,
“Haven’t you read, that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Two become One, not three or 5 become One. Only two; a male and female become One. This is God's definition of marriage.

Forget culture. Christians do not follow pagan cultures, we follow Scripture; God's Word. It is the high authority over our lives. 

I dont know why you are divorcing your husband. If its not for his infidelity that has been unrepentant [cold stopped], not due to physical abuse thats unrepentant [changed], or from abandonment then you are still in that covenant marriage in God's eyes and are bound to that man for life.  I dont care what reason you have made up to try to end this marriage and make things go your way. Too bad! You married him, you are stuck with Him. You may or may not be unequally yoked, but you need to mature in the knowledge of Scripture and in living out the faith, -so you can live a godly life before his eyes and your child's.

This world is full of sin and consequences both for things we say and do. You need to grow in righteousness and perhaps through biblical counseling you both can be living rightly in the Lord and before God.

Since you were messing around committing adultery (while claiming to be a believer) you need to post haste run to your husband and ask forgiveness. If he forgives you you need to live as his wife and only have eyes and thoughts towards him. If he doesnt forgive you and divorces you... because of adultery - you can never remarry. Never.

Scripture is very clear on this. And if you try to rebel and circumvent it then heed Scriptures warning:

1 Corinthians 6:9
Or do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral... nor adulterers... will enter the kingdom of Heaven.

Job 24:15
The eye of the adulterer watches for dusk; he thinks, ‘No eye will see me,’ and he keeps his face concealed.

Malachi 3:5
“So I will come to put you on trial. I will be quick to testify against... adulterers... [those] do not fear me,” says the Lord Almighty

There are consequences for your actions - and you have to live with it.

So... choose today if you will live for Christ & be with him in eternity, or live for self and spend eternity in Hell.

No true believer after understanding biblical truth and commands would go their own way turning from God.

1 John 2:19
They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would no doubt have continued with us: but they went out, that they might be made manifest that they were not all of us

I pray you choose the righteous path.

Who knows but God whether your marriage will eventually have a total transformation, where you are both walking solidly in the Lord and raising your child up in the faith.

1 Corinthians 7:14-16
For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband. For otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy.

Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave. The brother or the sister is not enslaved in such cases, but God has called us to peace.

For how do you know, O wife, whether you will lead your husband to salvation? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will lead your wife to salvation?

3. Life is full of struggles in this sin stained world, but God is with those who are adopted as his children, the redeemed who belong to Christ. He leads us through every situation, draws us closer to himself and comforts us by His Word. Read the Bible daily and live for him, whatever the outcome of this situation you got yourself into.

May God be with you

4. Finally, in consideration for the possibility that (before your adultery) [that he is not divorcing you for that], but for whatever reason your husband was divorcing you then he is freeing you from this marriage.

! However, you committed adultery and the second man also is committing adultery. You need to repent of this and break off that relationship. Never see, engage, contact or interact with him again. 

If you repent, & he still divorces you, depending on the reason, if it frees you biblically to remarry then you can. If not. You cant. Period. 

5. Those able to remarry: Go and find another man, a truly saved man who is very mature in Scripture and marry him. Know it is for life. So vett him well to ensure he isnt a drunkard, womanizer, drug user, smoke, abuser or have bad habits that are detrimental to you and your son. Know this man, from thouroughly interviewing his work mates, friends, family, pastor, and those around him. Make sure he is a hard worker, man of integrity, who can provide for you and who will love you as Christ loves the church, and care for and provide for your son, and be the spiritual leader in your home. Do not marry any man again until you find one who meets the biblical qualifications! And is a man of the Word. Make sure he is an active member in a biblical protestant church (and not in a false christian sect or cult). 

God be with you. ✝️

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