Unsaved verbally abusive & mean husband refuses marriage counseling
Q: My husband has been verbally abusive for several years now. Yelling & swearing at me in front of our kids. It happens every 1-2weeks. Everytime it leaves me feeling hopeless & numb. He told me that he stopped apologizing to me a while ago because it is making me entitled. I have been compeltely guarded emotionally & physically. I told him that I don’t feel safe with him & he told me that I’m the only one that can change that.
He refused to do marriage counseling because he said it’s a way for me to shame & manipulate him. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want the enemy to win this battle in my marriage. I pray for us everyday & try to be brave. I can not take this for much longer. It is teaching my children that it’s okay to speak to someone this way & to be treated this way.
Please pray for my marriage. I feel stuck & numb. He is not a believer & tells me I am in a cult.
A: Unsaved people act as their nature. They're trapped in and by sin and only always continually do evil (in thought word and deed) Scripture tells us. So being unequally yoked to sn unbelirver will cause that clash and those problems. You chose to marry the unbeliever and there's consequences. Even so, there can be hope. (1)
You can get solo counseling from your Pastor, and even a prof counselor (as a helpful starting point). See also a female first, for you, and if hes eventually willing to go, switch to a male counselor so he can't claim the above. Plus having a perspective from two helps you get a balanced guidance (for your part/growth).
Hes just trying to keep everything in dark "behind home doors" as he's guilty of it and sin - and knows it would expose him and he would have to be accountable. Tbvh after initial pastor counseling I would have pastor and 2 decons (for his safety) come to your home to do couples counseling [like a soft intervention]. On first visit... Have the Pastor thoroughly address the Gospel first. Example. You have them over for dinner, without husband knowing they're coming. Set table after they get there. Meet at the table. Let them sit & gibberish jabber with husband at start, as you set plates on table. then while you are slowly preparing & serving the food have the pastor share the Gospel: [ God's holiness, our fall and sin nature, sinners, God's amazing plan through Christ lived out, because of Jesus we lying, thieving, anger filled, rude, cussing, coveting, greedy, blasphemous, humans can be made right with God because He is good, gracious and merciful to all who repent, snd trust in Christ. It's the most important thing we will ever do and best treasure to have. Would you like to be right with God today? A wonderful benefit is- He will also transform you with new and right desires, He will help your marriage snd life, and conform us to he like Christ." That kind of thing. Then regardless of his response, have the Pastor invite him to Church on Sunday. You go, even if he rejects going.
And then [on Sunday] have the pastor come to you both right after service (b4 you get to the doorway; linger till he gets over to you) to invite out to a light lunch. That can give husband opportunity to ask his most pressing or objections of Christianity questions.... to try to draw him to Christ. Specifically have pastor ask him that, to answer and guide him.
See how it goes. Invite the Pastor over for dinner the next week, and his wife, and there have him again invite him to church service. Again have pastor invite him to a light lunch after church to answer any other questions that might be still keeping him from coming to Christ, but also specifically noting "tomorrow isn't guaranteed, and it's urgent to get saved today. Asking what would prevent him from doing so today?" Then have a nice lunch together. Let him think on it all. Don't bring it up in car or at home. If he's upset at any of this simply say "I care about your soul". If he demands you not bring pastor to again then say "I will pray about it, ...but God is in charge, and his will prevails ours". That way you press forward in love.
If he gets saved, Have the pastor prepared for taking him through a short new believers class (min. 3 weekend class sessions over lunch at church) and have 2 decons there, so he can transition him to mens study group and into Sunday school classes by handing him off to their good care, after the 3 weeks are over. This soft transition helps him still be able to interact with the pastor but move on & more with the men in church who can help him grow in the faith.
And then, under his shepherding, have the pastor note he believes it's time yall also go to solid marriage counseling ([the contact of the male counselor youve scheduled an appointment with], by giving him the guys first name and date & time, and address of the session [😁] that you handed to pastor earlier.)... Saying he wants you both to meet with this counselor & update him afterwards, noting that good counseling can strengthen marriage with the goal to bless and help you thrive.
For you... regardless how he recieves/rejects Christ... you, start living more holy and grow in faith and the Fruit of the Spirit, as we are to day by day. Kill sin in your life. Submit to and go along with whatever he says when not faith related (if he rejected Christ) [ie. You keep going to Church. Do make sure your church is not a cult or false religion as you didnt note about church; see this & it's links. If you find you're in a false church, move to a true & biblical one.
Here are resources for helps for your growth & to bless you and your family in time.
*audiobook, free for paid subscribers, but avail elsewhere in audio and book. Audio is good.
Keep living Christlike before him, invite him to church on Holidays and very special events or services there. Live holy and let God draw him to salvation. It may take 20 or 30 years. It may not happen. You just kerp following Christ and do your best not to be a stumbling block to him. ✨️😊
Be in the Word daily. Read 10 min every morning without fail. Whether he sees you reading it or not. Meditate on its truths, and memorized Scripture too, which helps you in various situations.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8:
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.
Hold your tongue and realign your thoughts godlyward so you dont speak sinfully in interactions with him. Live to bless him.
How you live and respond will show your kids thd right way. Train them up in the Lord (at home & church) regardless your husband responses or rejections to it. Tell him "Scripture says you must obey God over man even your husband in areas of faith." And let him get angry. Satan's children behave that way hoping you will cave and give up your faith. Stand firm. (Parent Resources)
Pastoral buy in
*Ensure this whole battle plan has buy in in advance w your pastor; so he can follow the above outline. Feel free to save this page link to your phone notes app so you can share with your pastor and get his ok to "commit to" this full plan implementation.
If your chyrch has a "both husband and wife must always be present for any counseling" policy, its not what Scripture says. We are to counsel one another, and on matters that you need help and guidance, you should be able to confidently speak privately to your pastor [with another woman like his wife present] for your safety. If thsts not offered at your church, you'll need to go to a professional Biblical Counselor yourself to get guidance on how to handle it. And...highly consider changing churches if the policy is only always both present. If your husband is truly saved and pursuing holy living then sure you could strive to mostly be together in cijnseling, but individual counseling should happen there too. But It's not safe nor wise to do that in certian situations like abuse. If hes not saved, you can change churches, and when interviewing pastors at potential churches, ask this question.
God bless
Related
Footnote
(1) Love & Marriage
(2) Cults info for examination if you are in one, so you can get out, and come into truth in true Christianity.
Verses to meditate on:
Proverbs 13:20: "Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm."
Ecclesiastes 7:12: "For wisdom is a defense
Matthew 10:16 "Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves."
Spouse Verses:
Colossians 2:6-8 reminds us:
"Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed, and overflowing with gratitude.See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ."
And these
Titus 2:4-5
4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children,
5 to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
Proverbs 18:22
22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing
And obtains favor from the Lord.
Proverbs 31:10-12
10 An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.
Titus 2:4-5
4 ... urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
1 Peter 3:3-4
3 Your adornment must not be merely external... but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.
Proverbs 12:4
4 An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.
Proverbs 18:22
22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing
And obtains favor from the Lord.
These verses collectively emphasize the value, trustworthiness, and moral character of a godly wife, highlighting her role in supporting and enriching her husband's life.
1 Corinthians 7:12-14
12 ... if any brother has an unbelieving wife, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his believing wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.
1 Peter 3:1-2
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
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