Left to new church due to disqualifying reason w/ pastors wife. That Pastor now wants to discuss why we left.

Sensitive church subject. My husband and I have left the church where we are members. We found a new church and are pursuing membership. In our transfer of membership letter, we stated that health and distance were related. We also included that if they wish to talk to us we would be willing. We didn't think the old church would since we were gone for months and no one contacted us. However, to our surprise they did want to meet and discuss. 

One of the reasons we left besides the reasons given is because we don't believe the pastor is qualified to be a pastor. To our knowledge, he doesn't have any disqualifying issues personally but it's his wife. He took an extended sabbatical to work on his "marriage" After returning his wife posted a photo to Instagram that was inappropriate. She had her arm around a "naked" street performer with a guitar in front of his genitalia, while giving a thumbs-up. Before his sabbatical, she was rarely in church. That's a red flag alone. 

1 Tim 2:4-5 says "He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's church?"

Does this just apply to children or wives too? Wives are called to be submissive to their husbands and if a wife is doing what she is, worse yet knowing her husband is a pastor, isn't this acting out in rebellion? 

What am I looking for? I would love to hear that I am being judgemental and there is NOTHING wrong with a pastor's wife taking that photo and posting it. To hear that I need to just stuff this down and not bring it up. That this is a ME issue, not a truth & church issue. That I am too legalistic and I need to work on grace. 

I guess the other side of that coin is I'd like to be encouraged that I should bring this up at the meeting. This is concerning. Advice on how to approach this in LOVE, to not sound judgemental. My idea is to write it out and have my husband present it as the head of our household. 

Maybe my understanding of a pastor's wife is incorrect.  

Please help!

A: You should have brought your concerns directly to your pastor before you made the decision to leave, as our Lord tells us how to handle this in Matthew 18: 15-20. 

But, your problem sounds correct here. And tbh what you said is good enough to send him, with obv tweeks. It needs to come from your husband though as spiritual leader and head of the family. 

I had a sorta pastor friend, (we never seemed to get close), he was one of among several pastor friends of ours at our church, in my 20s, all from same seminary, working there. Good connections with all of them. After we left that church (due to them all immediately resigning & leaving, along with most decons, after a discipline issue escalated all the way to the vote to boot out unrepentant older couple failed; non elder run church, but a voting church with certian old folk trying to retain power thats not theirs). Anyway.... that one pastor had finished seminary, was an asst pastor of sorts like 3 years, well versed in Scripture too. After they left, we left and the main pastor moved out of the area 🙁, we followed one solid pastor there to another temp place & a church plant, and as it was [just] pre social media era, we lost touch a bit with that one pastor, but he followed the main pastor to a church and was over yourh there like 3 years. So when everyone mainstream started using facebook we added him. Not long after that he married a gal out of nowhere who was into 50s music of sorts (buggle girl type stuff) and things on her Facebook page were in general not appropriate, even poses and stuff said, yes even back then, (and she gave off drinker vibes; def wouldn't have connected with her if we had got closer to him, it wouldnt be a good match). I remember he had drama/singing background in college yrs back (b4 coming to Christ and getting into that hard to enter seminary), so perhaps music was their connection not really Christ. Next thing I heard, after a short time, they divorced, he was disqualified it appears, and he changed careers; was back in college in his mid 30s. We never really hear from him after the split, and see nothing online either way if he is still in the faith. Sad. Clearly God kept us from getting close, as it never worked out (and it bothered me as everyone else liked us). He was jovial too. I can see it was a blessing looking back. 

Pastors must marry a conservative Bible abiding godly life pursuing women so they don't ruin their life, and lose out in etetnity too. Its vital. You can't control someone who isn't on a godly path and isn't submissive and not focused on constantly pursuing growth in the faith. It's way too dangerous. 

I know a decades long friend couple who left our church for a church plant in Santa Minoca CA, where there's all liberals and would be hard to sustain a church there. At some point, a couple years in, there were some significant issues, they spoke to pastor and tried to address it. It never got dealt with, and at the end they decided to write an email about why they were leaving. They came back to our church. I know they wanted to help a church plant and possibly the husband would pursue a pastoral position there, without seminary yet, [we are always losing friends to pastoral callings and movings lol]. He was about 46 and I think trying to decide what direction to go in ministry or stay in regular job. Anyway they're still at our church now. I did know the reasons behind their leaving but it's not needed to mention exactly, it was related how the pastor was trying to do some things with the church that aren't necessary or right, and a couple other reasons. My friends made the right decision. Not every pastor or church leadership will simply focus in faithfully pursuing the Word and evangelism. And in some instances you need to take action and exit. 

Hope this helps