20 yr old life struggles, mom needs advice

Q: My almost 20 year daughter was diagnosed with depression/anxiety/ OCD/ADHD at a young age. We had her medicated until she was 10 and finally took her off meds because she wasn't doing well. 

She has been med-free for almost ten years. During those ten years, she has struggled. We have tried therapy and all sorts of other avenues. 

She lives at home, has a job, owns her car, and pays all of her own bills. Yet she is in danger of losing her job at at daycare because of her 'attitude' and not appearing 'happy' enough around the kids.

She is really good at what she does, but the daycare owner said if she has to talk to her one more time, then she is in danger of losing her job. They want her to smile all of the time. 

My daughter is really struggling right now with two things: she does not feel like her life is where it should be (she wants to be married and is not even dating anybody) and her depression.

Her whole life she has wanted to be a wife and mother. Her older sister just got married and so did my niece/her cousin.  

I have tried telling her that God has not forgotten her, and that He is working on her but that she needs to trust Him. However, she is insistent that God has not heard her prayers and that she will never meet anybody.

I know she is only 19, but when it is something you have wanted your whole life and something you have surrounded with your whole life; I can only imagine how much she desires this.  

I have been praying for her. But she is at a really low spot and is shutting down, refusing to talk, engage with us, come out of her room, and is just angry. She is not easy to talk to and when she is like this she is really rude to her father and I, and her siblings.

I am doing my best to help her. I am trying to get into a doctor, but she is not 100% on board. She just wants to quit her job and stay home, which we will not allow to happen.

How can I reach her? She is not rational and never has been one to listen or reason with.  

I would advice or at least your prayers, please.

A: Well she's in the sin of marriage idolatry.

She is 20.. most marriages that young end in divorce. She is coveting what her sister and cousin have etc which is a sin and does nothing for her mental health just makes her more depressed. She needs to be happy for others when good things happen to them and see the good in what she has instead of focusing on what others have. Before you Meet Prince Charming would be a good book to help her realize she is to serve God while she waits for a husband. And educate her about marriage. It is hard work and about sanctification, not about her pie in the sky fantasy land around love love. These resources can help with that. 

God gives us our youth to study Scripture and mature in the Faith. If shes neglecting those areas it's why she's got no joy. Also she needs to conquer her sins, including idolatry, disappointment, discontentment, bitterness, unjust anger at God, complaining, coveting, angry, shutting down, not engaging, hiding in her room, living a daily pity party, not listening, being unreasonable etc. She's living sinfully and in rebellion and God is not only not pleased with that, but won't bless her while being sinful. 

Also yall/she's letting the world diagnose her with unbiblical terms and offer her unbiblical solutions to those issues, when at the core those are spiritual issues that need biblical care. Understanding that, to guide and help her will also be beneficial for her growing in the faith and maturing as a person. Read more about it here, and the above resource also addresses those. Plus, I would not take her to the doctor but to a biblical counselor. That link has a directory, and explains why.

Do remind her that all the work she does is "to be done as if to the Lord", as in fact it is, it is our work and also place we are on mission for the Lord. Joseph worked for a pagan and he was promoted for his faithfulness, and God's plan. But he was the light in that dark place. We should have joy and peace because of Christ, and no matter what happens in life, we trust him. 

If shes saved she will need to be guided to work on those areas, and submit in obedience to do so. Everything works in God's timing.

If shes not saved, then shes got identity crisis issues to deal with on top of that, (which is part of why she had problems as a child), so I would guide her to understand that issue and to the Gospel. 

If shes professing to be Christian and not doing the above, and still acting out as you noted, thus not honoring & obeying you as her parents then begin church discipline and pastoral counseling with it. But prof biblical counseling might nip that first. So you might not need to go that far.

Have a realouty check with her. I mean, if she can't be happy around all those kids, how will she be happy around her own growing tribe? She will be miserable married with kids too. 

Consider shes not ready to be in the workforce yet. Many kids are just not mature enough today. Some can only work part time.

If yall are the kind of parents who care about their kids, provide for and let them live at home while they're figuring things out... then go that route. Even if there's a 2 year time limit help with the basics of finances. In other countries and in Israel /Bible times, you lived at home till you married. 

Let her come home and spend some time unemployed but work for you, so she can sort her thoughts out and foster her relationship with God more. 

Encourage her to volunteer at church and require her to daily read the Bible, and study how to be a keeper of the home. Set the rules and policy and punishments.

Unless you are well off, she will likely have to sell her car and give you the money for adding to living expenses. And won't have a cell phone or allowance. She might be given a simple flip phone for emergencies. 

You said that you are not her friend but her mom, so do the mom thing, and guide her as you let her be 19 and at home. If her goal is to be married and have children some day, then teach and have her spend time in your home doing all the chores, cleaning, laundry, the cleaning and stocking management, and going to the grocery store, teaching her about coupons and best deals, budget meals, monthly seasonal meal plan, and do all the prep and cook and premaking meals, focus on home life, household management, budgeting, and chores daily, as well as help with and learn home maintenence, for 2 years, as thats what she will have to do when God blesses her with a family. After doing it all for a while she might not want to marry yet and may run back to a job. 😆

Even though she is at the job, likes it or not, that job is stressful, and it doesn’t seem like that employer is great to work for. We all have to do things we don't like and work where it's bolt the best, but maybe it’s just not the right environment for her, or at this time. She is very young still and you giving her time to pause and do normal daily tasks for a while, may give her time to adjust her attitude and maybe even meet someone while doing ministry, or help her find someone through the church, church leaders networking and associates, or in colleges and seminaries. Our church seminary tries to pair every single man with a godly christian woman in the church before they graduate. And tries to marty them off 😁 

 

As to her depression, she knows why she is depressed (not married and no children) and medicating her will not take that away. This is one of those times in life that we have to turn to God for and trust in him to get us through, not medicate to feel nothing.

I think you will do her a great service to allow her time to come home, grow near to God, get closer with you and your husband, prepare to be a help meet, and opportunities to engage with other Christians that could lead to what she and you all pray for. 

Regardless, if you are getting her ready by apprenticeshiping her at home to be a homemaker then its going to help her once married. Plus she has to be responsible and accountable to you and her father as she would a boss or in submission to her husband. 

After the 2 years of there's no engagement, she needs to go back to the workforce. 

Hope this helps.

God bless