Harsh words by brethren after counsel & return to church
Q: I went through a very hard time in my walk recently and honestly slowly I feel like I’m coming out of it but through that time I would obviously open up to the people I thought I was close with. One of the ladies we got along well we use to sit on the phone a lot. When I told her what I was going through she had compassion she did and she did pray with me. But idk if it’s because of her personality but speak of the things she said was a little harsh and slowly we started to talk less and I know on my end I kind of went into my shell. I feel like she kinda looked at my situation as foolishness and she basically told me that it’s either I choose to trust Jesus or trust the devil, because I fell into sin. The Lord end up showing me why I fell into sin and it had something to do with the healing of my younger self.
I recently returned to church for the first time in a while, and she saw me and said oh your back at church? and I was like yeah, and her response was “about time”. I know she has a decent heart and pure intentions but her response to me was harsh.
This was just an example but I wondering if I should ignore how I feel or should I talk to her about it ? Like how do you go about approaching Christian friendships ?
A: God calls us to counsel, admonish, exhort, correct, and speak truth. It's best done in patient love, but hard tough love is acceptable too at times, esp if its ongoing situation and constant, not getting resolved and not recieving such godly guidance. You might have take it wrongly or her intentions even if she has a bit of a brash personality, but just like if your boss yells all the time at you... see what the underlying thing being said is. When given the meat, toss the bones. It looks like what she counseled somehow did help you, by God, bring you back and that's good.
I had a friend say something a bit harsh to me 2 or 3x, 2x it wasn't right or accurate and more of assumption, but the last time she was kinda right about it, and I was a bit on the wrong, (related to my health condition and death), while I was looking for a bit of a joking and sympathy, she went a diff way on it, and it kinda hurt my feelings, but the deeper truth was true (none know when they'll die) and I did know that also ofc. But I was being cooped up at home for yrs w no car and couldn't leave here, so I was wanting to get sth yummy but hubby wasn't making time for me (for a really long time on weekends) to go out [years], and I would like to enjoy yummy food before I leave earth. But dont want to be like the complaining Hebrews whom God sent quail and death for their grumbling, lusts, and desires, not appreciating what Gid gave them. And I do know that God blesses, and is a good Father, so either returning w Jesus at Millennial Kingdom or in eternity, if our eternal body consumes food, He would give us very yummy things to eat, even ones we loved before. He always provides, so here or there it would be true.
But like you noted, it [your sister at church] didn't appear meant to be rude, and you think her intention was good. It would've been great I'm she said "So good to see you at church again, welcome back!" 😀. But not all people are like that, and there's varied personalities (as you noted, even look at the son of Thunder in NT among the Apostles😅), and also... in grace we need to remember folk are still maturing in faith and their speech too. Even ones who serm to have been at church a while. Some are stagnant and arent growing as they should.
So in this case if you can shrug it off, pray, forgive her attitude, its great, and even if you taking it as a hurt, move forward, even being towards her as nothing happened, then do that🫂. If you bring such small things up, it may create a wedge and become a bigger issue. She may also feel hurt that she spent lots of time helping counsel you and was glad to see you back, but is feel unappreciated on top of it. Remember we aren't perfect till Heaven, but also there's false converts in the church (who present as religious for a time), and also those saved who are growing. So we need to be Christlike in our thoughts and words and behavior, regardless of how others are. And let most things go. Its better to take a hurt than hurt others. Just like it's better to decline delicious meat and food as a guest at a unsaved persons house you hope to witness to, where you brought a young new in the faith believer who just left paganism and whose conscience can't fathom eating meat sacrificed to idols, you wouldn't scare down that food with a whatever attitude, instead it's best to offend the unbeliever than the believer with you. To keep peace and show love to the Brother in Christ. Take the hurt to show love and keep peace between believers. Its a witness to those around you [perhaps unsaved in the church who heard the encounter, or the way you rightly respond to it]. Jesus took way more hurt and mistreatment on our behalf, so we too can be forgiving and gracious in smaller matters.
We do need to deal with issues though, as Matt 18 guides, but many furthervhurts are avoidable by taking one for the team so to speak. Keeping the Gospel witness of new beings in Christ. Some situations needing counsel tho on personal matters (like what you sought for with her long ago) are better dealt with through professional counselors, and not with believers at church, but the ones that can be sought out at church among the brethren, need to be very godly mature believers, so they remain in confidence, dont judge you nor gossip. And some matters are needing more of a discipleship counseling which pastor can help with, by appt. But not petty trivial matters nor ones that shouldn't be escalated to his ears early, outside Matt 18 protocols. We are not to do that, nor take his time on. He's busy running the church and preparing for sermons and other essential matters, and needs time for his a family and homelife too. We dont want to be chastised by him, steal his time, or go when its not appropriate to do so. Time, place, and matter needs to be weighed, and thats why others around us should have our ear first, or true prof biblical counselors outside the church to guide us. You don't want congregants gossiping that you can handle trivial matters and "always have problems" or even saying you are always emotional, leading to people distancing themselves from you. So decide wisely where, when or if... when it comes to counseling or on pursuing matters of hurt. I say that as guidance for your benefit. Much of our issues csn be dealt with by trusting God, and seeking Scripture guidance/counsel.
I would recommend you to do a good study on not complaining, growing in Christian character (so prayer & the Word are where you go for answers first), and do a study on emotions, & understand suffering in the fallen world, so you can handle issues that come at you well. That way you won't be running left and right, lose peace, or accidentally confide in the wrong people, but most issues can be dealt with in having peace about it; trusting God, and going forward in faith, by the promises and truths in Scripture. Knowing God goes before you, knows the future, walks with you through it to its end, and has a good plan for your life and future. Even if theres bunpy roads, hills and valleys in the sanctification process.
Let such situations, such as her past counsel, be used by God to use it to humble you, realign you to truth to help you in godly living. And to keep you close to the Lord.
Glad to hear you are back in the church.
Read Scripture & pray daily. Doing this will help keep you from wandering off the righteous path again, and enable you to kill sins quickly, and keep short sin accts with God 😊✨️.
Footnote
Note: that same friend of mine, after I lost a job, used to call me all the time, (at least 2 years) on her way home from work, bcuz she knew I was at home, and would unload all the problems and issues from work on the call as if I was a sounding board, and drama dumpster. I stopped answering her calls before 8pm. She got home at 630, picked up her dog at day care and was home by 745pm. I knew her routine. So I refused to answer calls when she was using it for convenience, disrespecting and using me, and not taking the time to call at better times. I knew she made dinner and took care of her house when she got home, and watched TV and fell asleep early. But she was wrong to do that, and be complaining (as it's a sin against God), she sorta got a clue about it, and after a couple more calls, she then told me she's working on not complaining. She did want some regular counsel during the calks, but I'm not a professional counselor, and my time matters too. I can't do this kind of discussions for 30 min a day m-f nonstop. She asked me to hold her accountable on it, son 1 or 2x I did kindly and she curbed it on the call. Anyway, some life stuff happened, changes at her job and extended family life, and we talked less for a while (and cuz not taking her calls). Some was during Covid so we didn't see each other at church. But one day we were talking and a discussion unrelated happened, and it 💡 segemwayed into me noting how proud I was of her for not complaining on calls or calling for complaining about work. And she said she had been doing so much better about it. She takes it to God and Scripture, remembers verses, and if needed discusses w her godly husband for further guidance. So, there's a way for both sides to deal with things, but there's a way that more mature believers (like her and I) handle this, talk, and deal with a situation overall, that ends well or more properly. People and assumptions aren't a good mix, but getting clarity on important situations is good, asking what they meant by it, [or asking if they're having a bad day and need encouragement or prayer cuz their response felt a bit harsh], the rest... just let it go [in Christ]. Put others first in that way, be quick to forgive as God does, and be in Peace towards each other.
God bless
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