How are we to interact with people we have forgiven, who had harmed a family member?
Q: How are we to interact with people we have forgiven? Jesus says we are to forgive seventy times seven times (we are to forgive endlessly), but I struggle with knowing how to treat distant/family members who have sinned (sexual abuse) against my immediate family in the past.
I believe I have forgiven them because I feel free from the pain they've caused, but maybe I haven't actually forgiven because I still don't want to be around them. I have felt convicted about my behavior with them, and while it is not outwardly rude or disrespectful, it is not joyous and loving either. I kind of just avoid them. I think Jesus would want me to be kind to them, but I know it would make me uncomfortable to be around them. It makes me anxious because I am getting married in May and will see all of them again.
A: It is good you are working through this to be as Christlike as possible in this area.
First I will note that the unsaved will and can only behave as their sinful nature does. The darkness controls them, and Satan blinds them too. They don't realize what they're doing. So if theyre not saved, genuinely born again by God, theyll continue to sin and not care. So you will need to be cautious, have boundaries, and carefully protect the victim from them when they're are around.
So it is a complex situation since it isn't just about you and him. Family is involved, and a grievous sin. Idk if he was ever convicted of it either and if any justice was served, or if family swept it under the rug and she's still suffering.
I have had to work through family issues, in a unloving stepfamily situation to where my own mother was for them and not me, since toddler age and into my 20s she catered to her husband and his kids [still does 🙃]. They even blindsided/threw me out on the day I graduated HS (with nothing and not caring I had nowhere to go, living in the far distant boonies). I've worked hard at having/bridging/ building a relationship of sorts with them, since returning to the States after the military in my 20s. Theres all kinds of issues still there [I'm trying to deal with and resolve some still]. I've also been a victim of (attempted rape by and) countless attempted murdering by both my step brothers, fortunately both were kicked out by age 10. However I found out during covid my step sister has been in contact with them for 10 years (in their 40s), and that she roped her parents into a sneak bombed video call with one (when we got back from a family trip), and while mom told me they had no intention of reconnecting... shortly after, I found out they all flew out of state to go meet him and attend the sons child's (their supposed grandchild) wedding. My concern is he will weasel his way back in, and theyll try to invite him to visit and stay there or at hotel and embraced them into the future. Maybe while I am there, or on a holiday family gathers at, or invite to vacation where I'm blindsided & stuck. Parents seem oblivious to the past issues... and if I bring it up, its likely to cause a bridge collapse from all I've tried to build to them over the years. They'll likely choose them over me. Then I'm alone.
It took me a long time, just recently in fact, to come to terms that if God brings him/them boys back into my family's life, that my role might be to "be a light for Christ to them" and yet just be very vigilant around them (not be alone with them, and not stay in the same home overnight nor same hotel they stay at). The son had many gfs and over a dozen kids over the years, (I was told by mom and few yrs back, and he & the gfs scammed churches out of money, for many years, across many States). I heard 0 on if he's saved, which mom would've noted by now. So idk maybe I am supposed to share the Gospel with them, since I do witnessing. I have to be a faithful servant to God, and just trust he will protect me. If a problem arises we might just have to cut ties with them all, or only connect by phone or mom visit me (they never have & in old age she cant drive far, so that's a no go).
When we returned from the last family vacation trip, [prior to Christmas trip] Mom privately said they keep life with their daughter and me "seperate" -which I thought was nuts, and explains why sis never wants nor has anything to do with me. When mom admitted that I was flabbergasted, it explains a lot, yet really hurt, and it took me a long time to process how to handle this. It's one more knot that needs untying.
It didn't make matters better that after that, [the Christmas trip] while trying to help my stepsister... [and show love of Christ to her], when she came down to get a new car, [she lives on their property],... that the morning of my going back home from the visit up there, a ridiculous little situation arose from her and she yelled in my face, while not wearing a mask, ....for 20 minutes; straight demonic. She shirked all the times she needed to be vigilant over covid, even while on vacation, and knew I had cancer, but didnt care if she had/gave me covid and killed me. She wants rid of me so only she has her parents to herself.
During the incident, near the end, Mom got involved and tried to help but at some point while trying to make it work she victimized me physically and verbally. The car was fully packed already with my stuff and like 2 seconds b4 we were getting in the car to leave, when sis pulled that stunt. (I visited a week since it's a several hour trip to their place, and I brought some heavy crates to do creative stuff with mom). It's always something with her. She did several evil plots while on vacation too.
She was violently shaking while screaming, and running to her daddy [in the house] during part of it. I ended up not feeling safe to be in the car with her taking me home that day, and at the end was wore down and had enough. My husband was on the phone hearing most of what went down, and the years of drama with them has caused him to not have much anything to do with them, (including what happened while on this latest vacation trip.). I keep telling him I cant burn bridges and model for him Christlike forgiveness and reconcilliation throughout these endless situations with them. But since 2016 he refuses vacation with them, but if hes not there my step sister and stepdad are endless problem starters. When hes there they dont do any of it. He needs vacation too, and should come. We cant afford vacations so when they offer me/us to join, they pay for most all of it, so I go [they pay for sis too, and is likely why they pay for me]. I don't live in a house or a good or even walkable neighborhood, so besides church, their annual vacation is my only getaway.
Anyway, sis was even screaming about her new car while I took my stuff out... as I rejected her offer to take me back home. My husband had to leave work on Christmas Eve to drive up to get me, and had to work on Christmas day because of it. Not that an of them care. He rarely has a day off and it was going to be our first Christmas alone together. Finally going to have a Christ focused Christmas again like when the extended family reunited at godly grandparents everywhere, till they died 10 yrs ago. After that it was at my sister's house until her divorce and both then and after it was all about her. I was looking forward to starting our own Christmas at home just us 2.
After that, after I got home, I was working on a letter to them because this really has to stop. It was such a stressful 3 months before I started working on it. Every time I tried it was stress and anxiety over making sure I wasn't wrong in what or how I said things, tweaking areas, adding more, editing a lot, and being gracious while just forgiving certian parts that could be excluded. It was after much prayer, consulting Scripture and counseling resources, and putting it together... my phone literally died and it had important pieces of that letter on it.
A letter would be the only way this convo could be had. It would not work in person at all. And with the letter they couldn't interrupt and I could get them to seriously think about the contents, with hope for their repentance and a real Christian restoration, so we can move forward as we should together as Christians. I hardly slept well for those 3 months after that visit, before and during working in that. And right after getting final points noted down, my phone died. And then, right after that, I was hospitalized for a back problem, and from that came therapy, and during that found out my rotator cuffs also tore. I'm walking like lil a dinosaur hands. After much problems it's taken a year to finally find good therapy, to help me start towards getting functional, but it take 18 months before therapy is completed. It's just one thing after another.
I don't like using voice technology as I don't trust it, and rightly so as we hear the latest Alexa news. So for the letter I need to use my computer, and it will need to wait until my arms are better. I really can't do much w these scrunched up dinosaur arms 🫠😅. My mom is aware I will be sending a letter. And we've lightly texted a couple times recently, but its been over a year since that situation up there, and none of them contacted me since. Usually they never do unless I do first. It's such a bummer being in a very small family. But those in bigger families with biological siblings can equally have ones who aren't saved, or go down destructive paths and grieve the family as well. In my situation it's their loss tbh. But also I believe it's in God's plan and he will work all things out. Besides, once in Heaven, whichever among them are saved, none of these things will ever be issues there.
My goal in the letter is to address & handle this, the root problems, with all 3 of them. Mom needs to have guts and stop catering to them, and speak what is right and call them to repentance. And most of it all stems from their daughter, and mom seperating us both into different lives and bith of the parents not correcting and nipping her behavior long ago, and even until now. And her father in lots of other areas, which I think is still bitterness about me being "baggage he got stuck with" when marrying my mom, long before sis even existed. He couldve treated me well instead he ignores me, is nitpicky, complainy, rude, mean, dismisses me, doesn't want me around, and since I'm an adult he can't beat me, blame me fir his kids bad behavior as if it was me, or act as he did when I was a young person.
He couldve got to know me and spend time with me while at home, couldve since then too, but has no interest. It is very superficial if at all since reconnecting. When I visit he 99% of the time has his back to me on the couch, but lights up, comes over, and is very talkative when his daughter visits. But he could do that with me, ask how I am, inquire about my life, etc. To be calling himself a Christian after I left home, but be how he is to me it doesn't match. I try to give loads of grace and forgiveness, knowing theyre from a not so great and yet very small church where there was no good pastors after the first couple years going there, had hardly any studies, nothing on church discipline, and no discipleship helps for him to grow in faith in these and related areas. (The church closed during covid and theres no church even an hour away, so at their age they just watch tv sermons). But if Christian he should have the love of Christ and love for fellow believers shining forth, yet I don't get that from him, even though he reads the Bible daily, and they seemed interested in and handed out tracts I published. So I can't totally say he isn't saved, it might just be a very lacking in maturity in "living out" the faith, not having real opportunities to do so, so its possible hes only doing what limited he knows. So I need to tread softly, I don't want to damage his faith,... and just hope God works it all out. My time is short here, theirs too going into elder years. I just hope it's resolved soon, and just saddened it took this long.
So, I can relate to your situation and in varied ways.
I would encourage you to grow in the Fruit of the Spirit and be as Christlike as possible. We all fail regardless of our intentions. God will use it to plant seeds and water it, and pass the work on to others too. I hope your efforts leads them all to genuine salvation. And for the perpetuator, as a new creation, there is not concern over it happening again. Christ has forgiven him and you all can move forward. We live in a fallen world but those in Christ are on earth as close to what relationships Heaven will be like as we can get. It is far better to be among and trust believers than it is with the unsaved. So let's hope your and my situation turns out well, and as soon as possible. Also if the victim is saved or gets saved, they can forgive, the relationship can be reconciled and put in the past, thus fellowship restored. I pray for that too.
Here are some resources that can help.
Believers Right mindset; grace, forgiveness & love will really dive into and help you on this topic.
Evangelism Equipping will help you further as you live and walk as a light in this world.
Save those links to your bookmarks.
As to your wedding/event where you'll see them again, consider two things. 1. You can choose to not invite the abuser for the victims sake. 2. If both go, don't sit the victim anywhere near the abuser. 3. you can simply treat the person as a fellow human, as you've tried to do so far. 4. Use your wedding as an opportunity to also share the Gospel, via someone you choose. Either at the end of the ceremony after you walk out the platform, or at the start of the reception before you two are announced and enter. Give it 5 minutes after the Gospel presentation before your officially entering thee room. Then leave it with God.
God bless
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