Married, new child, but infidelity issue leading to possible divorce, help!
Q: I have been married to my husband for nearly 3 years. We have a 2 yo and I have basically felt unheard, unseen and unloved for a long time now. One year ago I made a big mistake and allowed a one time infidelity issue happen. It comes out to my husband a week ago and I owned up to it and obviously have changed everything since the affair. Within a week he has made the decision he wants a divorce and that’s that. I want my marriage and have prayed constantly. The overwhelming feelings of guilt and of anger of allowing things and not ever being validated are eating me alive.
Where do I go from here, I want to heal and change but I want my family also. Has anyone else been through something like this?
A: Im glad you reached out even though it was after the issue got exposed.
You should've voiced those feelings to him long ago and sought marriage help, incl pastoral counsel. You need to do damage control immediately cuz you can never remarry again if he leaves you. Do what it takes, and eat the humble pie too.
Does he go to church, or respect Pastors in general? If so, call your pastor over and ask him to help you try to save the marriage (through wise counsel). Do this by 1. Explaining what happened [how it got there & what you did], 2. asking the Pastor to explain to him that Christians aren't perfect... they can mess up. That God wants all marriages to remain in covenant despite our flaws. Marriage is about sanctification and showing the Gospel of grace to each other. While you felt shame of your indiscretion & didnt want go hurt your husband, you had repented to God (& now to hubby), but while you may have fallen off the righteous path, you are getting back on it and seeking God daily and closer so you sin less. Ask the Pastor to recommend to him that you both go to professional counseling, and I suggest you make appt through here today. If you have no money go with Focus on the family.
While he likely committed adultery to by ever having any lustful thoughts over the years to movies, celebs, porn, soft porn, commercials, women irl, etc [which pastor can & should point out as he examines himself too(1)/ & he failed in aread as a husband to where you felt looking elsewhere], and that he wasnt being the man God called him to be which did have a part in your wandering off, post partum may have also played a role too.....and that both of you are human and need to forgive, show grace, and work on the holes in the marriage, to build it up strong, and fortify it from all forms of temptations (incl from dereliction & falling for Satan's schemes).
The pastor can bring up asking you if you've changed since the infidelity and ask how, then point that out to him, for his consideration (of her correction & changes).
You can help him with infidelity recovery through counseling & your growing in holiness. This is best initiated with the pastor/counselor as a middle man.
Also ask pastor to share this infidelity recovery videos with him, to help him further think this thru before committing to divorcing you. If there's hope snc possibility to restore, we should always try to go that path first.
Bcuz you have a child, pastor can bring that up too, and even if only for that reason he may agree to try to salvage it, if so, take the opp and do all it takes, (within what's acceptable to God). Work deeply on your spiritual growth, and may the Lord restore and bless, but save him too (if he's unsaved) so you both, walking in the Spirit, and in righteousness, can reconcile restore this situation and be blessed.
Resources to help (below), along with suggested books for women and on marriage. And if unequally yoked to an unbeliever the resources here can help you too.
If he's is saved, ask the Pastor to also go thru this and share it with him as well, so he sees why God doesn't want divorce, even if adultery happened. It's that important to God.
Idk your ages, you might be young and that means you needed better guidance, and nrver goy it, but also more spiritual growth, so once he comes around and is open to Christianity, or gets saved, or is saved, [when appropriate, ir thru ghe mrnd group] you can refer him also to the men areas, marrieds section & books (of the resources here), so he can become a good leader at home [who also loves you as Christ loves the church]. And before then have him join the mens group at church, to surround himself with the godly mature men there, so they can be buddies & guide him to grow to be the leader at home God wants him to be. And so he can get counsel from them, and grow in the Faith too.
Resources for those married, for women, men and book helps (scroll)
*For you, but can be shared w him as well if hes open to God or is saved.
Unequally Yoked Resources for Living godly before your husband.
Work on areas of Submitting, see tip link too there, along with any that apply right now as you need to, to show godly living before him.
Feel free to share this page with your pastor, and if you don't have one, find one here and have a counseling meeting with him (and his wife) -also with the intention to genuinely become a member there.
I highly recommend a professional Biblical Counselor after the initial pastor consult and home visit, as well as your focusing on your spiritual growth.
Pray your husband may see beyond the hurt, do what needs to be done to repair and restore, and lead better, but also see it's worth a try to do counseling if even he only does for child consideration and sees the child support cost may be an issue that it's better to just stay married than pay that and rip the child from being w both parents. Whatever reason he agrees to counseling... absolutely do Biblical counseling, [you don't need him to know its Christian based, and as soon as he gets there with you, he'll likely just keep going. You dont wany to give him an opp to reject it].
It's super imperative to go to a counselor like this as they address everything biblically and in truth - and if needed, in advance, have the pastor provide him the male counselor [you picked out at acbc or fotf appt "w name, date & time & address" (you already scheduled)] to get ahead of and have that lined up already, so he agrees to it]. This way he will feel confortable w a male counselor but aldo will address areas he's failed as a husband that led to this too. While you did sin, he did have a role in it. Who knows but you and God if there's links to pregnancy and post pardum issues where he neglected you. There's many things to consider about the situation...which the counselor will flush out and lay bare, to help restore.
Have the pastor looped into the counseling sessions by updates w the counselor so theres accountability through the church, as it should be, and for church discipline if needed. The pastor shepherds the flock into holy living & is accountable to God. It all goes better if both are saved and seeking the Holy path, but if he's not saved, it may be part of what leads him to salvation.
I pray these video playlist on infidelity recovery plays a part in both his salvation and y'alls reconciliation.
Though counseling & doing what it takes... might be a lot for you (while caring for an infant/toddler), but daily put in time to grow in the faith, using the above resources, and do spending time reading Scripture and praying daily as a believer. God will work out whatever ends up being the result, if husband leaves anyway (even divorces you) try to ask that he leaves the door open for counseling towards reconciliation (and remarriage), but both have to commit to not seeing nor sleeping with anyone while this is being restored, [or you can never remarry if he does or moves on].
Take it seriously, but trust in God. If husband goes his own way and won't do counseling, divorces... and your raising the child, then rightly deal w that fallout, rely on God in life and live single - focusing in living for God & raising your child up in the faith. Serve God as a ministry and sacrifice all your life, and thank him that you at least had one child who can be a blessing and help to you in your older years.
God bless
Footnote
(1) if he's unsaved, pastor can use that to share the Gospel bcuz "lust is adultery in the heart". NeedGod.com
This also has counsel and study around various sexual sins (from lust to adultery) and has good studies in it to hell you both rightly fear God, and live holy, and constantly kill & conquer sin 💪. Wear the Armor of God to help you dk this, and by God powerboat the indwelling Holy Spirit you can have victory.
Comments
Post a Comment