Abusive husband concerns in past, afraid to move back in
Q:I need prayer… my husband and I got married 3 years ago. He had asked for a divorce more times than I can count. Things started getting really bad. Arguing all the time, he wouldn’t help me around the house or with the kids and almost never helped me pay any bills. I was basically a married single mom doing it all. Anytime I would voice my concerns he would get mad and it would lead to an argument. One day he threatened me and told me that he would kill me.
Years ago [before we got married and saved] he did punch me in the face and gave me a concussion. So this time, I got so scared but I never turned to anyone for help. He would yell and say horrible things to me in front of our kids. One day while I was cooking, he grabbed the pan I was cooking with and slammed it on the counter next to me, breaking the pan. Frying bacon grease went everywhere. I called the cops because I thought he was going to hurt me. Cops basically said since he didn’t hit me and that we are married that there wasn’t much they could do. So I left. I feared for my safety around this man.
He finally did anger management and had been working on himself. Since I left I prayed for the Lord to change him and I so our marriage could work. I didn’t want to be divorced but I also didn’t want to be in danger. We reached out to our pastor and his wife a few months after the incident and they basically advised we live together again. I still didn’t feel safe with that idea. Why would God put me in a situation where my safety was at risk?
It’s been over a year now. We have been speaking and slowly spending time together. I do feel a bit of a change in him. I love this man, I don’t want to be divorced. I’m worried though to move in with him just to find out he hadn’t really changed. I don’t want to put my kids through that. I spoke to my teenage daughter and she expressed that she doesn’t want us back together because she says she doesn’t want to go through that again. She doesn’t want her younger brother to experience the arguing and fighting she heard a lot of her life growing up (when we weren’t married or saved until 3 years ago). Please pray for me! I need godly guidance.
A: It is really rough not being in a lovey dovey honeymoon-through year 3. Having those kinds of issues already would lend to greater problems in the marriage if Christ doesn't become the center of both your lives.
As to your thoughts on why God allows it, we'll you both were unsaved when you met and married, so there was always going to be troubles there; headbutting due to self focus & the sin nature. And if one of you is saved and the other isn't, there will be constant struggles between light and darkness; spiritual warfare, until both are saved. But if both truly are saved then both are pursuing holy living by the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit who caused you both to be born again. But we live in a Fallen world where suffering troubles and problems exist. Believers aren't perfect but progress as they grow into maturity, which takes time. God allows or directs things to help you rely on Him and to become stronger in the Faith. There's always a good purpose and plan. We see many many examples in Scripture for us to see this truth. So we can trust God, as he always keeps his promises to His adopted children in Christ.
If he's saved now, he's a radically new person and God is in him, thus he has love and the fruit of the Spirit so he won't behave that way nor try to kill you.
I advise taking it a day at a time along with a prof biblical counselor for you and both of you for marriage helps, (it also addresses physical abuse & guidance).
If the pastor talked with you both and did some counseling that led him to believe it would be best to be in the home, then do so; (just temp seperate from time to time if issues arise) the goal will be to resolve, reconcile and restore. Forgiving as Scripture directs.
Ask the pastor to help him join the mens group at church [for discipleship, growth in the faith, maturing in holiness and the Fruit of the Spirit, as well as how to be a loving husband who loves you as Christ loves the Church], so he has help, folk he can talk to, and are accountability partners. If hes saved you'll see the fruit proof. No one is perfect, but we progress into holiness as we walk in sanctification.
Once he's reading Scripture, regularly at church and among the godly men (inside and outside the church), he will mature in the faith well and his role and identity and responsibility as a man of God, husband and father.
Pray for Him, yourself for your growth, for maturity and grace, and in trusting God. He is with his children and will be with them through it all. Stay the course, show love, and radiate Christ in the home.
Make sure he came to Christ for the right reason and not to try to fix the marriage as some "add on" solution. If genuinely saved yes it will produce the righteous fruit that indeed does change your lives as God is at the center, but if it's just a "void" add on hoping "religion" of some sort fixes things and makes everything better somehow, then he embraced a false gospel. This explains the Gospel. So review the video together (when he is in a descent or good mood). You can say you "just got this and haven't looked at it yet, wanted to check out together and get your thoughts". Then after, ask him "if he ever understood the Gospel like that and our need for Christ?". Then go from there. If you're convicted, tell him. Perhaps he also is and you can go from there. If anything it will get him thinking. Pray for him.
If hes adamant to divorce, in the future, he needs to have a solid counseling with the pastor and prof counselor as it has ramifications for him (he can't remarry ever again) for unbiblical causes. If he persists in it not caring of what he's doing, then let him divorce you and go live in peace per Scripture. Never date or remarry to anyone who is not a well vetted confirmed godly "saved" man living a holy life first. That will save you from being unequally yoked to someone like the one your married to now. And you will be blessed.
God bless
Verses to meditate on:
Proverbs 13:20: "Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm."
Ecclesiastes 7:12: "For wisdom is a defense
Matthew 10:16 "Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves."
Spouse Verses:
Colossians 2:6-8 reminds us:
"Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed, and overflowing with gratitude.See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ."
And these
Titus 2:4-5
4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children,
5 to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
Proverbs 18:22
22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing
And obtains favor from the Lord.
Proverbs 31:10-12
10 An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.
Titus 2:4-5
4 ... urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
1 Peter 3:3-4
3 Your adornment must not be merely external... but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.
Proverbs 12:4
4 An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.
Proverbs 18:22
22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing
And obtains favor from the Lord.
These verses collectively emphasize the value, trustworthiness, and moral character of a godly wife, highlighting her role in supporting and enriching her husband's life.
1 Corinthians 7:12-14
12 ... if any brother has an unbelieving wife, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his believing wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.
1 Peter 3:1-2
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
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