Dating towards marriage but sex sin past caused problems

Q: My current boyfriend & I have been dating for 7 months now, but we’re having a really big issue at the moment. I’m just in need of some godly advice.

For reference, I’m a 20-year-old female, and my boyfriend is 27. And we are both strong christians.

We went out on our first date and afterward came back to my house to talk and get to know each other better. From the beginning, I knew I was dating to marry, and I was very open with him about my past. [I told him about all my previous relationships — including my longest one, which was a homosexual relationship — and a few situationships I had in college with guys.]. I felt extremely ashamed of my past, but I wanted him to know everything up front so he could decide if he wanted to move forward with me.

That same night, I asked him about a rumor I had heard a while ago regarding a relationship he supposedly had with another girl. He denied it, saying they were nothing more than coworkers and that she was just telling people they were together. He also told me he’d only ever had one girlfriend before, and that they only kissed once.

Fast forward deeper into our relationship — there was a time when we were making out and things were escalating, and I stopped it, and set new boundaries. I knew I had a history of falling into lustful temptation, and that moment was emotional for me. I felt like I was carrying the shame of my past — I had been in those situations before, and I knew better. Even though he’s the man in the relationship and older than me, he told me he wasn’t experienced and that he could fall into temptation more easily. I poured my heart out to him in tears, and he just kind of let me carry the weight of it. He told me it wasn’t my fault but didn’t really share anything of his own — just repeated that he lacked experience.

Now, fast forward to the present: I’ve just found out that the rumored relationship he denied actually was real. At the time, he was 26 and she was 18. And it wasn’t just a relationship — they had sex and other sexual encounters on multiple occasions. He lied to my face about it, multiple times, over the course of our relationship. Even as more of the truth started coming out, he would still tell me something and claim it was the full story — but I didn’t believe him. So I messaged the girl myself, and she told me everything. He later confirmed it was true.

Now I’m left feeling confused and completely stuck. I’ve already forgiven him — truly — but there’s still a lot of hurt and bruising. I’m trying to decide what to do. Do I stay with him and try to work things out? People always say that a real Godly relationship can get through anything. But I’m struggling with how young she was at the time — it makes our own age gap feel unsettling. I’m also hurt that he lied about his virginity and made me feel bad about my own past, saying things like, “It’s just upsetting that I won’t be the first guy you’ve been with.”

I do believe the Lord is refining him, and I don’t want to hold his past over his head. And I don’t think I am — I’m just unsure if it’s something I can truly move past. I feel like if I stay, I’m settling. But if I leave, I feel like I’m walking away from someone I still deeply love — someone I thought was an answered prayer and the man I was going to marry.

Right now, I just don’t know. I’m so lost I can barely eat, I feel constantly nauseous, and I’m emotionally numb. Everyone I could talk to is either from my circle or his, so I don’t feel like I can get unbiased advice. I just really need guidance on what to do in this situation.

A: Its really great your striving to pursue holy living, fleeing temptation, and seeking to honor God. And that your communicating with the bf to be on the same page and stay open minded if the relationship ends or cautiously proceeds. 

There's 0 reason to unload or share your sexual past in any detail to someone your going to date or court. You can share your testimony instead and in it share you prior to Christ had fornicated and even had a himosexual relationship, but God saved you and transformed you to a lover of God, righteousness and you're pursuing holiness following Chrisy, and waiting rightly until marriage now. 

Secondly, never go to each other's homes, on a overnight trip, a hotel or anywhere you're in private to avoid getting to the make out temptation point. Holding hands maybe, if he's a man of self control. No kissing even. If he's the in for you, and loves God... he will be pursuing holiness and self control.

This guy isn't a person of integrity if he lied about that given the entirety of the above info. And has such a mindset of wanting a virginity when he himself isnt, is hypocrisy. Guys want to conquest virgins, but have no problem that they are running around fornicating and causing such women to not be virgins. The unsaved are wolves preying on vulnerable naive women, even at 18 ("she's finally 'legal'" mentality). Believing men should be striving for sexual purity, and also have the mentality of grace [we were all sinners before Christ saved us; all have sin pasts]. 

You deserve honesty, grace, and someone who reflects Christ’s forgiveness, not condemnation. Don’t let guilt keep you in a situation where you’re not truly seen or valued. if he is to love you as Christ lives the Church, he csnt be like that. Whst he dies now and thjnks now, will be smplified once married. 

Heed James 1:8 "A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.” 

It kinda feels like his salvation is in question, or that he's not very mature in the Faith, for having that mindset (lying, and sex issues here). I would suggest both get pastoral counsel on this together, and he additionally solo- so he can be discipled to what a man should be as a believer, his mindset, and in dating towards marriage as hes needing to mature towards being the leader, and one with integrity, once married and leading the home as husband. He needs to be trustworthy and reliable.

I'm glad you had convos with him, [keep doing that tbh] but there's maturing needed here in him... before you/he can take any "next step" with him such as future talks towards engagement. It might take him a couple years to mature through the guiding and teaching of the mens group leaders and the decons and elders. If he's not in the mens group, and doesn't have mature godly church men in his life outside the church, it's a red flag. And that convo [and him doing that] needs to happen. Its great your forgiving towards him, but he needs to become the man God wants him to be, before he can even come dider asking for your hand/to lead you all your life under his headship.

Make sure your both on the same page on the above, and have the important topics. Dating/courtship is you interviewing him for a lifetime told. Put aside the lovey dovey feelings as those fade by yr 3. Its why there's a term "honey mooon period", reality comes in fast and hard after that... and that, is what you need to focus on to find a man worthy of a daughter of the King. 

Here's some resources to help while dating. 

Voddie has a book, What He Must Be to Marry My Daughter. Look at the advice there and even share the book with him if he's decided he's dating you to marry too. As in pursuing you cuz he's looking for a wife. You noted you're doing that, but us he? If not, he's wasting your time. And you need to move on before your youth is gone. 

If he has lust/sexual issues where he pursues it vs needs to grow in self control [of the Fruit of the Spirit] this book can help him. 

There's helpful questions, books and resources here also on dating, including a yt video playlist for those dating, that will help you navigate this, as you search for a worthy husband. 

God bless