False Convert/ Afraid not right with God
Q: I'm ashamed to admit that I've never taken God seriously. I'm 55 and have lived a life full of sin with no remorse, regret or sorrow.
I realize now that I have a reprobate mind and I seared my conscience to have done the things in life I have done in life. I even had called myself a Christian which makes things worse. Nine months ago I had a full on panic attack out of the blue, which required me having to call 911. I told the dispatcher that Satan was in my head. When they arrived I begged the police officer to shoot me. They strapped me down in the ambulance and all I can remember is thinking the words "do you feel worthy of the Kingdom of heaven" and there I cried out to God saying I'm sorry over and over again.
After that I was spiritually attacked and thought of suicide for 3 days. I've been in a mental hospital twice now, since then.
I am a shell of a man riddled with fear and anxiety. My saving grace is that he removed my desire for sexual sin and smoking weed, which was something that had taken control of my life. I finally started praying for forgiveness but all I think is "you're only sorry because you don't want to go to hell". No matter how hard I pray for his hand I cannot feel anything.
I've started going to church, and plan on getting baptized this weekend. I try to read the Bible but I'm struggling with that. My fear is that it's too late. I can barely get through a day without being overrun by fear and anxiety. I'm not sure what else I can do at this point. Please pray for me that I'm savable.
A: False converts can still get saved. It is never "too late" while you are still alive. So settle the matter rightly and all will be fine.
But, Baptism wont help you. Salvation comes first. Then in obedience and "to show" what God as already done through you (in converting you and giving you spiritual life) you get baptized as a public testimony of what happened: dying in Christ/dying to self, and being raised in Christ/having new life.
So....How about thinking differently about this, so you can find peace.
Scripture does tell believers that the Holy Spirit judges the world in righteousness, and believers are to preach on the judgment coming. It is a way to help us flee to Christ. When we have a proper understanding of God and holiness we can rightly fear God, the outcome of the wages of sin, and thus see our true need for Christ.
We understand we are sinners, (which you seem to note having an understanding about). And are in fact seeking to get rid of sin. Which you seem to desire or you wouldn't have pursued eliminating those sins from your life. Only those seeking righteousness would do that.
Those who are unsaved or not being pulled by the Holy Spirit towards salvation wont care about their sins or coming to God for the right reason. You might not fully understand it, but we come to Jesus to be right with God and to have Christ's righteousness covering us/the righteous nature. It is only when God gives us spiritual life when he causes us to be born again [saves us] that we can live holy and work in eliminating sin as we pursue becomig more like Christ [as we mature -in understanding of spiritual things from Scripture and life experience while in the Faith, to grow in holiness].
If that makes sense, then just make sure you understand the Gospel and obey it. Once you do, with a genuine and contrite heart, God will save you...and you will live in the peace of Christ. 😊
Heres more helps:
And this will help you as begin your new life in Christ. Find & join a reputable Bible focused church and get discipled there. And talk with the pastor in counseling about concerns you have so he can help calm fears and explain things as well as direct you to resources to help.
God bless
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