Messy husband, mostly plays games, doesn't work much, doesn't clean unless wife home to jointly clean, wife provide$, & he walked from faith.

Q: Prayer request and advice for help with dealing with an extremely messy spouse; to the point it is affecting my mental health. I understand “just leave it” on an issue like this is silly when he is an amazing husband and Father, it’s just THIS issue we need to work through. I have been praying for years for help and things never seem to change no matter how much i pray or try. 

 I will start by saying when we met and fell in love as teenagers I knew he was a messy person and accepted it because it only affected his space and we had no children so it was very easy for me to keep our apartment clean. I was raised in a home where we kept things tidy, he was not; to the point where I had to teach him basic hygeine skills like how to wipe himself and brush his teeth correctly when we met as teens. 

Almost 6 years, we have 2 children, 3 pets and a large home. We do not have a traditional dynamic; I actually provide the majority of the household income working 70+ hours from home (and watch our kids while working.) He works 7 months out of the year; collecting unemployment and staying home in the winter and working a blue collar job the rest of the year, each day working significantly less than I do. When he is collecting unemployment and home from work he plays on his video games or sits on the couch and scrolls his phone. 

When I finish working my shift (alongside watching the kids alone while working) he finally gets off Xbox and says “I’m ready to help you clean the house.” He expects me after working 10 hours straight to start cleaning alongside him, when he’s had hours to decompress alone, or has been free all day.

I can count (not exaggerating) 23 soda cans, 4 half empty chip bags, and 4 plates of food on his gaming desk. Fruit flies start getting everywhere. I explain to him he needs to be cleanly, and be cleaning things not just picking up, as this is unsanitary. 

When I get off work we clean for around 30 mins each day and then he says it’s too much cleaning and we need to stop. So it ends up being just the main living areas picked up. He wants to do everything together, but thinks we don’t need to sweep, mop, clean toilets, sinks, clean up the kids bedrooms or our bedroom. He has not started a load of laundry in months so i just leave his laundry on the floor and wash mine and the kids. He just wears the same pants for months, not even joking. And will go rotating through dirty underwear until i have enough and wash some clothes for him. He says we are done cleaning for the day and we will get to it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and he doesn’t want to do it, so I am left doing it alone after the kids fall asleep. When he sees me doing it alone he says i am crazy for being “such a clean freak.” 

So here I am making the majority of the household income, taking care of our children alone while I work and he rests, getting off work and immediately cleaning alongside him, just for him to say he is tired of cleaning 30 mins in. Spending the rest of the night cleaning and preparing bottles (one of our kids is a newborn) and caring for the pets. I have 20 mins to scroll my phone or watch a show before i have to shut my eyes and do it all over again. 

He also adopted a dog and a cat before we had kids and I adopted a dog. We aggreed at the time he would be responsible for his animals, and me mine. I take care of my dog, he does not take care of his. If I don’t check in to make sure he feeds his dog, he will go multiple multiple days (one time it was 4 days) without feeding her. I have clients that come to the house so I like the yard to be free of dog poop. He says it’s his house and his yard and to leave the dog poop, and I have a problem I can clean it. He refuses to clean the cats litter box because it’s “not that bad” so he lets it pile up for over a week, sometimes two, the cat starts going out of the box so now scooping the cat box everyday is put on me. “It’s not that bad, if you think it’s that bad you do it.” 

He constantly Is asking if we can skips the kids baths because they “dont look that dirty.” Says oh we don’t need to switch the kids sheets each week every month is fine, if you are that worried about it you do it. So i do it. 

I love this man and I love this family but I am dragging myself through the mud to keep this family functioning. I have told him time and time again how this is affecting me and he helps for 2 weeks and then starts acting like this again.

Edit: I think right now he is confused about faith. When we first met we went to church together everyday. We got married and I was under the impression we both planned on raising our kids to know Jesus. When our daughter was born I told him I was ready to talk to the pastor about doing our daughter’s dedication. He then told me he will not dedicate to raising our daughter to know Jesus because he doesn’t know if he believes anymore, and for awhile he had been going to church feeling this way just to make me happy. This shocked me; I felt like I married under the impression we were in this together spiritually, and we were not. He told me I can raise our kids to know the Lord and he won’t tell them any different, but it’s up to me to bring them to church. So I take the kids to church alone. I’ve talked to the pastor about this and he keeps saying give him time...but it’s been 3 years. It’s really embarrassing because I so badly want my husband to lead us both at home, financially, spiritually, but it’s just all on me. 😞

A: It sounds like he's not saved? A saved husband wouldn't behave nor have that mindset if striving in living holy. 

He's got a depression problem or something is going on, likely for a long time, and premarriage issues with his unhygenic life, plus he's leaving you all the work, not taking care of the animals, and the pregnancy and a newborn and not lifting a finger much to help? That's not a great guy. He's conditioned you to think he is. He's not being a sacrificial leader, loving you sacrificially, unburdening you, helping you relax, and taking father role for the newborn and homeschooling help of the kids. He doesnt care if you lose you clients with the home outside and inside looks like that! Hes sounding like he has no respect for you. He's a freeloading bum taking advantage of you, and needs serious counseling to get his life in order. He's failing as a husband and father bigtime, and doesn't seem to care. God did not create him to live like that. He has a role at home and a purpose in life. He needs real true prof (biblical) counseling asap. 

The video games, game room, phones, TV and internet need to go until he has long made it a habit to do whats expected of him as a man and husband, is doing more than his share & even sacrificial lovingly helping at home when you are working, have babies etc, and when your not there and/or not looking... in order to be a team in marriage. There's no excuses. He needs radical reevaluating his life and role in the home. 

 https://youtu.be/vxZ0FiI9PzM?si=8Vp-y-wrLbgNEUGH

He's not being a leader at home, and burdening you. All those household chores should be done long before you get home.

You need a family intervention or a pastoral one for church discipline if he professes Christ. 🙏

Doing things together means he needs to take the lead; be doing romantic stuff (family dates, outings, family walks, going for a drive, making yall dinner, doing things so you dint need to. Taking the kids, and focusing on his family and wife, not being focused on self. 

Edit: But to your other point about his faith issues: yeah I can understand that happening. Many folk marry without ensuring the husband or wife is saved or realizing theyre not its good you had convos b4 marriage. Many dont know about or skip Premarrital counseling from their Pastor, and sadly many who are going to church but whose faith is waivering never talk to the Pastor and just go their own way. God gifted the church with pastors to sheoherd us. I am disappointed the pastor had that attitude and didnt come over to counsel him. But I do wish you had asked the pastor over to counsel him and help him with his doubts, he cant remember everything, but you can address it now. And sadly, new believers dont go through discipleship at church to get those foundational things settled at the start of their walk in Christ if the church doesn't offer it, of they don't go to it, or the church doesn't require it. They should do so for baptism too. To ensure folk are saved before adding them to membership. Many churches today are lacking in many areas. 

I would encourage him [yourself] into Investigating Christianity. I would share the Gospel (see below) and then go through these 4 videos with him. After that you can scroll through these faq to deal with some areas people are usually confused about, so it can help lead him to Christ and actually solidify his faith. People can have doubts but it's important to get answers, not just walk away without good reason. 

Further I'd encourage you to go through these other studies either yourself or together, (after the above) for discipleship, so your foundations are strong. 

A new video also hit today that I'm getting ready to watch and you might like to see too.

God bless. Keep praying, be forgiving, humble and gracious towards him. While he's in darkness you have to be the light in the home. In this situation it is hard but God can turn things around, or walk with you through it. Let Him mold and prune you during the hardships times, and keep yourself close to Him. 

Resources for Living godly before your husband 

God bless

Verses to meditate on:

Proverbs 13:20: "Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm."

Ecclesiastes 7:12: "For wisdom is a defense

Matthew 10:16 "Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves."

Spouse Verses:

Colossians 2:6-8 reminds us: 

"Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed, and overflowing with gratitude.See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ."

And these 

Titus 2:4-5

4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children,

5 to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.

Proverbs 18:22

22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing

And obtains favor from the Lord.

Proverbs 31:10-12

10 An excellent wife, who can find?

For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her,

And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.

Titus 2:4-5

4 ... urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.

1 Peter 3:3-4

3 Your adornment must not be merely external... but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.

Proverbs 12:4

4 An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.

Proverbs 18:22

22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing

And obtains favor from the Lord.

These verses collectively emphasize the value, trustworthiness, and moral character of a godly wife, highlighting her role in supporting and enriching her husband's life.

1 Corinthians 7:12-14

12 ... if any brother has an unbelieving wife, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his believing wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.

1 Peter 3:1-2 

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.