Married w kids but want to divorce
Q: My husband (whom I am hoping to divorce) and I were together 9 years, we have two sons.
Before marrying, I caught him in the beginning flirting and getting pictures from other women. He lied about hanging out with one girl all day. I forgave and married him. That was all in year one. Then He ignored me and wanted nothing to do with me for a majority of the time during my first pregnancy. He was just wanting to watch porn and didnt even want me. After I had my first son, once I could have sex it was crazy painful for months. It was like painful, felt like being intimate with broken glass. Doctor said it was nerve damage and would take time to recover. For 9 months he was coercive and if I didn't have sex he'd ignore me and the baby, he'd storm around and punch stuff. He's put holes in walls in front of the kids, he broke the wiper switch inside my car. The list goes on. So I'd give in, I'd usually end up in tears a minute into it. Sometimes I'd ask him to stop and he wouldn't stop and id have to wait till he was done. He's not a Christian man, at all but he'd say that it was my job to please him. Finally I stopped and put my foot down that I couldn't live like that... then he was paying for live cams.
I kicked him out for a weekend and he promised we could work on things. Swore he'd get therapy and never did. (The entire time he'd say he'd support me and the baby and he kept quitting jobs so I had to keep working jobs, which broke our agreement that I'd stay home with the baby) I had two jobs and id come home during the day for lunch and the baby would still be in his dirty over night diaper crying and husband would be asleep. Then I had my second kid (both pregnancies were miserable & had cholestasis with the first one, heart issues and depression with the second) so I had to go on bed rest at 26 weeks. After I had the baby he ignored me and the kids for 3 weeks because he claimed my second son wasn't his since he was red skinned at birth (skin lightened up).
He's was back to being job to job sometimes months in between. Then for a few days I had a guy friend calling me because his dad died, dog died, then his fiance left him for someone else right after he bought a home. He never crossed a line, only ever vented and I wanted to be here for him a d pray for him. I never went over there. It was all phone conversations in the same room as husband.
Husband was working as a trucker driver. He'd call me when he'd be driving past friends house or job and say "I could go in there and kill him and no one would know" then hang up. So i ghosted my friend. He was always angry, picked fights and we'd argue in circles till I apologized. Sometimes argue into the night, and he wouldn't let me lay down to sleep, even if it was 5 am and I was shaking and crying and begging to sleep. Another guy friend was in my life, we would play video games and chit chat, again always in the same room as husband. It blew up since friend made me laugh too much. So I ghosted that friend too. Husband always had access to my passwords, phone, pc, tracked my car. Then he's jobless for some time so I go back to work. He would drive past my work on occasion to make sure I was there. Lied about being in school full time online. He wasn't being a good stay at home parent.
We always lived with my parents, and he was always locking my kids in their room. All day apparently. He'd be playing video games all day and ignore them. (I wasn't aware of this until the end) im 8 years of living with my parents, I can count on one hand how many times he helped around the house. He also shamed me for buying fresh healthy foods since they were expensive. (He's a picky unhealthy eater, only chicken nuggets, pizza, pop, chips kind of person) so much so that I only bought foods he liked and made dinners he liked. One day he was yelling at me and my parents got sick of it and my dad kicked him out. At first I was devoted to fixing things but he moved an hour and half away with his mom. All our phone conversations he just guilt tripped me. I eventually was done. I finally realized how long I had been miserable and depressed years of only staying alive for my kids. He never put his hands on me so I felt like it could be worse. I just finally felt done. So we've been separated since March 11 2024. He first few months was just drinking constantly. I have always given him time with the kids, the kids sleep there Friday night to Saturday night, his choice. He eventually got on some medications for autism and went to a few therapy appointments. This whole year he begs me to take him back and promises he will change and that this year away put things in perspective. He just now got a job as of two weeks ago. I still don't feel love or respect for him any.ore. he likes to remind me of how this separation effects the kids. Then tells me he wants to make me happy. Idk I can't trust it. I never felt mentally or emotionally safe with him. Am I wrong and being a bad Christian wife by staying done? Or is it my duty to give him another chance? I honestly don't think i can love him and if I stayed ill never be loved the way I deserve. I gave this man everything, all of me, my time, support love energy. There's sooooo much more. Too much more to write. I just want to be with him but can this be fixed? Could he atleast be a husband and put his family first finally? Idk am i wrong for wanting a divorce despite him crying to me? I just cant forgive any of it. Hes not christian but says hed go to church. He has pagan beliefs though. I know I made a commitment but i dont want to fall from the light by divorcing him.
A: Take advantage of him saying he would go to church. By that I mean, share the Gospel with him, perhaps with/when the pastor is over for dinner, and have the pastor talk with him after that. Ensure in advance the pastor understands all the whole thing you shared and anything else. Then have the pastor say he wants you both to see a biblical counselor together and seperately. [You schedule it. You go first, so you can explain all of this in advance, then you both go together, then him and you seperstely and as directed by counselor "together" too]. Make sure it's a male counselor so he can properly be dealt with.
As to the situation, he does sound really horrible, not going to lie. Someone who loves you and cares about you, won't be manipulative like that and not care if he's harming you physically, and basically raping you, in torturous /high pain too; He doesn't feel it so he is oblivious and isn't caring. Which is super wicked.
Who knows what else he's doing while "at work", esp as a trucker. Most truckers sleep with prostitutes today from what I hear, and my step dad used to be one. Literally just watched a murder mystery based on real life where truckers were killing people randomly so yeah that's creepy too. His mindset is wicked and that's because he's trapped in his sin nature. Many unsaved are not like that as they hold to some morals, even if its in sin.
His anger issues, controling ways and all he's done, even the porn issue, are all seeming from the core problem; his sin nature. He needs Jesus, (by obeying the Gospel, not by adding church to his life), he needs radical transformation only God can do. Once he has a new heart/spiritual life, the inner man... he will be a new creation with new and right desires. Having the righteous nature of Christ he can live holy and pursue becoming more like Christ. Autism or not. I know solid Christian husbands who are good fathers and spouse who have autism. People use words created by the world to allow them to have excuses for things. He, just has to go about all things in a way that is right and understood.
Divorce isn't supposed to be an option, I will carefully give guidance here and you speak to the counselor for clarity...but we know if one is married unequally yoked, like opposing magnets light and darkness don't mix and are not compatible, but since you're married Scripture says we are to remain married and be the godly wife influencing her unsaved husband.
Since your parents were in your life and your dad cared and kicked him out, he's claiming to want to come back and noting church. It might be a ploy to just get you to take him back so he can just keep doing the same things. Put your foot down that counseling, church and meeting with the pastor are required first, along with him getting and holding a steady full time job [preferably not where hes alone, maybe as a trucker disbatcher in the office]. And....you, follow the counsel of the biblical counselor. He doesn't need to know it's a biblical counselor you're going to both go to. You can just call it counseling. As you want and need to deal with this (and focus on him getting saved) from biblical worldview and principles as a Christian. *he needs to be held accountable by someone that's not you. You can have the counselor tie your pastor in, to your session updates, so he can be on the ground and influencing your husband, (which helps shepherd and help you his member of the flock), and helps keep your husband accountable. Whereas only the counselor.. he could flee that and think he's got no accountability. But if the pastor is involved he and the godly men at church in leadership can help hold him accountable by being in his life and around him at church and in "check in" counseling update meetings so he can't flee. If he tries to avoid church, the pastor and leaders will visit him [*ensure the Pastor is on board with this long term].
These resources can help you with godly guidance and advice on this issue, but call your pastor today, and schedule a biblical counseling session now too, and go from there with a clear plan. If he refuses, you follow the counselors advice on next steps and go that path so your doing right in God's eyes, so there's no doubt you've done all you could to prevent divorce, if it ultimately comes.
If you divorce and are following it biblically to where you can remarry... don't ever date an unvettedly unsaved man again, ever. Only those the church has helped you vet as a truly saved man. Then you'll be blessed and have a God honoring, Christ focused marriage life.
Resources
* the note there about abused wife is how the plan would likely go also in your case as it is a guiding way similar situations would go. So be prepared knowing about that.
Being unequally yoked is hard but God has given us all we need in and by Christ and our Helper the indwelling Holy Spirit, to wear the Armor of God, to grow in the Fruit of the Spirit and knowledge of the Word, to become more Christlike to become a more mature believer and a light in the home, as one shining forth Christ (and ministering to your kids too), to help you do all things well, and stand firm in the Faith through any adversity, storm, persecution, or situation in the marriage. Being unequally yoked is hard, but you married him so you have to rightly live out the Christian life despite what your husband does, and his influence on the kids in the future as well. You're on the front lines in the spiritual war because your unequally yoked, smack dab in the center of the relentless battle. And it's where you are. But the future might not always be that way, only God knows. But like iron that sharpens iron, God is with you, will mold and shape you into the person He wants you to be, to handle this well, be with you, and hopefully your husband will defect from the darkness, come into the light, to the Lord, and you'll both become soldiers of the Lord, serving Him together in righteousness, in this fallen world, being together for Christ, and all that entails. God is in the restoration business, and we don't know the future but He does.
P0rn is infidelity, as are any lustful thoughts he has about women. And who knows any infidelity he's had since married. Do get std checked on yourself for sure. And have him do std check with printed results from the doctor or by email knowing it's legit, before you sleep together again, even while seperated. But at the counselors guidance as to when to start that agsin, or he'll try to lure you back to the old ways, unless changes are made and in progress first.
The main first focus needs to be on him coming to Christ and genuinely getting saved. This can help you try to reach him, as noted earlier. But I suggest doing it as a tag team w the pastor at a visit together, so pastor can address his objections to Christianity. Familiarize yourself with the faq in the athiest section too so you can address these issues with the pastor, or in future faith convos with husband so he has no excuses and knows the truth.
Pray God softens his heart, saves and radically transforms him, so he can grow to be the man, husband and father, and head of the home, God desires your husband to be.
God bless
Ps.
It's not wise to have male friends as a married or single woman. It can cause problems, and the dude might be hoping to have a sexual chance with you in the future, even 15 years later. High school reunions easily show that's true 20 yrs later. The unsaved are not godly minded and have ulterior motives. They won't admit it to you, but 99% of the time this is true. Only have couple friends together, (Christian is best policy) and never be alone with the opposite sex. Have the men talk with men and women with women. Redirect to have them get godly counsel from the mens group leader, the pastor, decons or a biblical counselor. Never be their counseling confidant cuz they'll use that as opportunity to get you alone and prey on you. They need to be directed to the right person who is a guy, and leave it there. Don't give a foothold in the door to his secret delusions nor temptation.
Pss.
On his conquering sexual sins (porn etc) this can help. It can help you and him.
If the pastor and counselor work with him, they'll both address his salvation issue, the counselor will address all the sins you've mentioned and share, and counsel on the porn issue as well. Some of what they counsrlor will cover is related in the above link. Be aware of it, it's contents. He won't be open to this, unless he's saved and wants to conquer sexual sin in any form. If he does, you can discuss the info here with the counselor, by yourself, and ask if he will be using these resources and others like it. Some resources here the counselor might not be aware of, so offer it that you're aware of these, and leave it with the counselor. In his hands. You could share it with the Pastor too as he might use it to help the men in the mens group. And if some of it crosses when the counselor is counseling in it, it would be good for husband to be hearing it in both places. Perhaps the pastor and cinnsrlor could work together to time it so the porn part is dealt with and covered at the same time at counseling and at church in the mind group (without husband aware). It will benefit him and all the men there too. They can all have open convos on it, godly discussion, give hope and encouragement too, that isnt found in a counselors office. He needs those godly men around him, helping him towards holy living and right thinking. On all matters of life and faith, not just porn. He'll find community and friendships there along with accountability partners. Folk who will or can become his good friends in real life, esp if he gets saved.
Have these discussions with the pastor, get his buy-in, the leader of the mens group too, so there's help from fellow soldiers and servants of God to help you through this, and to be shepherding your family as a good pastor/leadership at church should.
Also you likewise get plugged into the womans group, to be guided, counseled, help you grow in faith and kerp you accountable to help you also continue to pursue holy living and grow in areas you need to, that likewise the biblical counselor will help you with too, so your life in Christ (whether at home or elsewhere) is being lived out, pruned & corrected where needed so God can be proud of you, and also use you to minister to others in many ways, (including in sharing the Gospel).
God be with you.
Related
Verses to meditate on:
Proverbs 13:20: "Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm."
Ecclesiastes 7:12: "For wisdom is a defense
Matthew 10:16 "Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves."
Spouse Verses:
Colossians 2:6-8 reminds us:
"Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed, and overflowing with gratitude.See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ."
And these
Titus 2:4-5
4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children,
5 to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
Proverbs 18:22
22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing
And obtains favor from the Lord.
Proverbs 31:10-12
10 An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.
Titus 2:4-5
4 ... urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
1 Peter 3:3-4
3 Your adornment must not be merely external... but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.
Proverbs 12:4
4 An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.
Proverbs 18:22
22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing
And obtains favor from the Lord.
These verses collectively emphasize the value, trustworthiness, and moral character of a godly wife, highlighting her role in supporting and enriching her husband's life.
1 Corinthians 7:12-14
12 ... if any brother has an unbelieving wife, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his believing wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.
1 Peter 3:1-2
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
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