Very angry at myself for my husbands death
Q: I can't stop the self hatred and extreme anger I feel towards myself.
My husband died a little over a year ago from complications of a stroke. He had a massive stroke on February 19, 2024 and passed away a few weeks later on March 6, 2024 from complications that developed afterwards. We had spent the late afternoon he had his stroke running a couple little errands. Then when we got home that evening, I went and did some work on the computer (I used to sell on Etsy) and then washed my hair. At one point, I went to our bedroom because I wanted to tell my husband something but I saw the door to the master bathroom, that's attached to the master bedroom, was closed. This was maybe an hour after we got back home. I remembered that he had complained of irregularity earlier that day, so instead of interrupting him, I walked out of the bedroom to give him some alone time. I came back maybe a half hr later and still saw the bathroom door closed.
This time I had an instinct that maybe something was wrong, but I stupidly ignored it, because I had seen him in the bathroom for a while in the past. When I went back to check a third time, I finally acted on my instincts and found him on the bathroom floor and he couldn't speak. He was alive of course but he couldn't speak or really move and of course I quickly called for an ambulance. Long story short, he passed away from complications that resulted from the stroke.
But I can't forgive myself for not listening to my gut instincts when I had checked on him that second time. If I had acted on that feeling, I know he'd still be here with me, because if I had found him sooner, the stroke would have caused him a lot less damage and he would have likely loved and been able to recover. I feel like I failed him. The one time he needed me most and I failed him. I can't stop thinking of him lying on that bathroom floor all that time, scared and probably hoping I'd come in soon and I didn't. I just think of him lying there scared and suffering and I absolutely hate myself. I feel so stupid. I feel so guilty. I feel like a failure. I feel like I let him down. I hate myself so much and I can't forgive myself for being so stupid. I'd do anything to trade places with him.
A: These things happen, and you cant do anything about it, as sad as it is. There's nothing to beat yourself up about, so dont let Satan accuse you and make you feel that way. Hes trying to prevent you from being close to God, trusting God, and God helping you move onwards.
I know it's fresh, so I want to share this grief help, hoping it will help give you peace. But do read Scripture daily, go to church every week, and get biblical counseling for your grief as well, so you can process this biblically and move forward, as God has plans for you. Don't delay them and those blessings. Don't let Satan try to stunt that and prevent you doing what God wants you to going forward.
God bless.
Many of us go through things like that...
My grandfather had fell in his cottage bathroom and got stuck between the toilet and sink cabinets, and was there an hour or so struggling, till found. My 2 aunts had just visited and one went home for a couple days and thought to ask me to go up there for a day, [I wouldve]. She had concerns cuz there had been hospital problems with his meds being wrong and causing dizzy spells. It happened the day they didn't have me go there. He was hospitalized and in and out a couple times. I went to see him. The meds got fixed but damage was done by both situations. Shortly he was hospitalized and he passed a day or do later.
My aunt said they weren't sure if I would be able lift him up if he fell and needed help, so I guess that's why she thought, well it's just "one day".
Remember.
Dont let Satan rob your peace. Move onward focused on Jesus.
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