Husband roommate and conflicts
Q: My husband and I have been in a terrible place over the last couple of months and its heavy today. Sunday was a pretty big fight, and he said he would rather be by himself than continue like this..im not mad, I agree..but I don't want to give up.
We've become roommates. When we argue, I need closure. I need to talk things out and get back to a good place. He likes to separate until we calm down and then act like nothing ever happened, which is how things are always handled. I keep quiet about my needs because he is so much louder and more aggressive than I am, so I walk away, cry and try to pretend Im ok. There's never an apology or working things out, and his words can be so harsh its like he ripped my heart out.
I feel like 90% of the time, I'm just trying to be ok.
It has worked that way since we started dating 20 years ago..but im officially on empty. I can't keep pouring from an empty cup. I've become numb, and he takes it as me having an attitude, which starts another fight. I don't have an attitude, I just dont have many words left. When he gets home, the energy shifts. The kids and I are always laughing, joking, talking, playing games and then he walks in and everyone shuts down.
He's critical, condescending, manipulative, harsh..his relationship with the kids is about as close to non existent as it can be when you live in the same house as someone.
When he walks in from work, the kids all scatter and I just try to fly under the radar. He's miserable in his life and he spreads it around.
To the rest of the world, he's amazing. Hes a great friend, he's patient, he's kind, he's logical and thoughtful..but to his family, he's almost like our enemy.
I don't want to divorce. I know that will cause more problems than it will solve. I want to be happy with him again. I want to feel like he's happy with me.
But theres a part of me that finds relief from the thought of being free from this. I want to shut that down right now. I know its a lie from Satan and he can't have my mind.
But Im really struggling. Im the only person who has never walked out on him. His mom was never a mom to him or his sister. She's been out of the picture for years. His dad walked out of his life when he was a toddler, came back when he was a kid and walked out again. His step dad who raised him as his son, does not claim him as his son. Most of his family is extremely dysfunctional, and he's broken a lot of chains..but not some of the most important ones.
I've been doing this for 20 years...im only 34 years old. We started dating at whenI was 14 years old. I was a kid when I took this problem on. God gave me every reason in the world not to be with him but I didn't listen and now im paying unequally yoked.
I think im just rambling at this point. I just have so many thoughts in my mind and I need them to come out.
I want my marriage and I want my family. But this is the most difficult thing I've ever had to carry. Any advice?
A: I could say icr to some of that, it was like that for me with my stepfather, just scattering to my room when he got home, to avoid being mistreated & blamed and getting the belt for things his kids did. They never wanted me I was baggage that came with the marriage, mom had long wanted rid of me (even before born, when abortion became legalized, and several times thought to dump me on my dad whom I never met nor knew; which I found out in my 30s).
But I had married, I thought to a believer. I was young and dumb with no church support or believers around (as I was overseas in Mil) and from tiny churches with non existent youth groups (so I never would've been taught anything in relationships), and after the military there were no folk my age at church either, so 0 guidance. Never even knew such things existed. And ended up married to a false convert, (*And its more lonely at home day to day as we have no kids). He's the one others focus on too. I chalk it up to that God doesnt want those folk to have my attention nor have me befriend them and I feel ok with that because He has my best in mind. Who knows what kinds of problems, troubles, heart break or psychos they might turn out to be. Many wear masks, even in fleeting interactions.
My first introduction to anything close to relationship info was a book someone (who didn't even like me) gave me - after I was married. I cant even have convos of any kind with him (light, important or serious) cuz he shuts it down, rarely listens, (delays for years what I ask for or about, even when I bring it up again), doesnt want to be disturbed (or interrupted from tv; which is his fre time before bed, unless he goes straight to bed), and its all heartbreaking, coz I can't share or discuss anything with him 99.9% of the time. I've resorted to texting since he started using a modern phone, as there's a chance of him replying and me getting some kind if progress in communication and getting things done. He's never here, and when he is he's not "here". It's like home is just a bed and fridge to him... and I'm a distant after thought🥲. Lots of us have similar struggles you do. God has blessed you with your children who are old enough to be of comfort to you now and later into the future. Focus on God and raising up your kids, but do try to communicate and get this problem resolved. Once the kids are gone grown, you will be stuck together, and so its better to pursue love (starting now). Time flies so don't delay.
Believers unequally yoked need to realize we are to shine Christ in our home and life, regardless of how they behave.
Follow and become like Him. Which means loving, forgiving, and pointing to Christ by our life, behaviors, reactions and words. Since married, we cant have divorce mindset or fleeing mindset. It is and will be difficult until/unless hes genuinely saved. I pray our husbands get saved, and are heartbroken over how they've treated us all these decades, and begin to love us deeply, openly and tenderly as Christ loves the Church. Until then, (even if not), we must persevere in our faith knowing in eternity these wont be issues (whether they're there or not).
For now, these can be a good help to you. It has info on the marriage shadow, how to have a right mindset, conflict resolution, biblical counseling help, and unequally yoked resources including books, videos and good stuff...to help you persevere & trust God day by day.
Sinners sin
Divorce & Remarry
God bless
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