Devastated; husband no longer loves me, doesnt want to try, & desires divorce.
Q:My husband told me this week that realized he’s not in love with me.
Our marriage hasn’t been perfect but more often than not it’s been beautiful. He’s being incredibly kind. Full of patience for the fact I don’t have anyone but him (my family’s insane.) but he’s “not willing” to try to fix it. He says we’ve been doing that for the entirety of it.
I just need prayers. I need God to reignite our marriage. Life’s been hard but that is the love of my life. He says he’s not interested in anyone else, but also he’s not willing to try with me. Please pray my husband is returned to me pray for a miracle in my marriage. Pray for me to get better so that he can put faith into our marriage. Please just pray as I need all I can get I’m terrified. I’m in absolute adoration of my husband. He brought me to Jesus. He’s my best friend. I just need this to be okay. I know it will be because Gods plan for me is absolute perfection. I love just him so.
A: I cant see how he is your best fridnd if hes not willing to do what it takes to repair & restore the relationship. He isnt seeming to hold that view of you on his end.
He needs to understand that Love isnt just sexual, intimacy, lovey dovey, its actually a verb, its something we do and pursue, but also what flows out of us from God (having the Fruit of the Spirit).
What is Love?
http://believersanswers.blogspot.com/2025/06/what-is-love.html
If he brought you to Jesus, then somethings wrong if hes claiming to be Christian but not pursuing Christian methods to deal with problems.
Ask him to look at these (below) videos, and consider if hes willing to "see if God will fix and restore the relationship" through biblical counseling. Everyone is a work in progress. Also show him this (other one), which shows how a believer is to think and live out love.
If hes willing to go to Christian counseling *at that point*, to get the relationship back on track, thats great. Even go to a guy counselor so he can't complain. If hes not willing, contact a counselor to guide, help you you manage yourself, and create a game plan going forward if he abandons &/or tries to (or does) divorces you.
*And notify yalls pastor so he & his wife can counsel you a bit, and surround you with the brethren at church, to help you during this hard time, and help you find a place for a while till on your feet (if it comes to that). The church is our family and community in the Faith, & are to love and help one another.
Trust God and what's in store for your future with or without your husband.
His goal as leader should be to go to the godly men at church for counsel and direction, (and with the pastor if needed, for the same), to work through these issues (of himself & with you), and to together pursue life in Christ, forgiveness, reconcilliation, (and changes each of you work in as you grow into maturity as a person and believer). He may not know or realize these things if hes not in church or is a weak or stagnant believer.
He doesnt seem to have been discipled in what it means to be and what his responsibilities are as a "Christian" husband and father, and his spiritual life has problems too if hes not steadily growing un holiness snd being thd spiritual leader in the home (daily). He fell off a cliff or took a thorny path sometime long ago- resulting in all these problems now (and damage hes doing to you and the kids; while not caring).
We believers (married or single) are to constantly forgive, love, show grace, patience towards each other, keep no records of wrong, and keep growing -- knowing none are perfect but Christ. Knowing, this world is full of flawed sinful people, thus we wont have a paradise of perfection & peace from it until we are in eternity, but... theres only marriage to Christ there, (which is not like human marriage here). If possible, explain that you learned all this today while seeking guidance, and believe theres hope for "us" abd God's not done with us yet. Encourage him into these resources and into counseling. You too.
God bless
Also, in case this has further help to your situation...
on Peace in the home:
Men seek PEACE at home. They want peace when they come home. If both are saved the Prince of Peace reins over the home, if not theres a peace imbalance, even if hes unsaved he craves peace. Point him to Christ.
If you need help with your emotions, & complaining, and to realign yourself to God's ways, and thinking and living in a way that trusts God instead of pushes your way in the flesh, these can help you conquer those.
My husband became enbittered towards my parents for how they treat me, even on trips or when visiting (when hes not with me). It went on like the last 10 years that way, and in trying to be a bit of a friend (towards him/seeing him as one) [hes a false convert] and shared these things, it made him stressed and upset, but he knew long ago my reconnecting [which took work on my end cuz they had no interest, but biblically I saw it was important to do so, and as a godly witness to my husband & others], so he knew he couldn't be a bull in a china shop and that things were always touchy, light and never a real family dynamic (even w mixed siblings). Though I do wish he wouldve stood up and spoke up at least once, saying how they treat me is nonsense and not Christian [as they profess Christ, since I no longer lived there after High School]. Dealing with them has to be done cautiously so their faith and maturity level isnt stunted, damaged or whatever & etc. So I'm carefully working on it.
*There was a situation almost 2 yrs ago which caused him to come all the way to their place, far from home, to pick me up, the day before Christmas, making him have to leave work (and then work the next day because of it). I stopped talking to them & sibling (who lives on the property & caused it [and always causes most of the problems]). I had 3 months of distressing sleepless nights trying to work through how to handle this. The church I went to in high school which they attended,in our new town, (which they went to for decades) was "a joke" by the time we went there after reconnecting, [wonky bad pastoring, kids dropped off there or came with a church member were running all over during worship all the time, without pastor or anyone curbing it(!), etc]. After a few yrs we stopped going. We just couldnt do it (even my husband couldnt do it). They stopped going since covid era, and only do tv now. There's no church anywhere in driving distance, and as semi elderly now cant drive further to one. It's a country podunk area. So slim to none there; no solid church if there is any calling themselves a church [all false churches or ethnic segregated ones]. Their place has no concept of church discipline, with one "pastor" there (constantly keeps changing out for another wishy washy one; using it as a resume builder after college & run off) so my family dont have any substance at that church, no guidance, no counseling, no proper discipline there... so basically 0 help, thus I cant treat them as being more mature believers [like those going to a solid church] thus no pastoral intervention can be sought.
The last situation that happened, was one where the bridge could have been burnt and not rebuilt. But my mindset is always to try. It took a few months to reach out and only cuz it was moms bday I send a text. And tiny contact/texting that year, and a tiny more this year [as it was in the beginning when I tried to get back in the/their family]. The issues need addressing, and ive spent time trying to figure out the best way to do so, and think biblically about the issues in hope of right confrontation and towards reconciliation.
But, by telling my husband, [who doesnt generally have convos with me anyway] all these problems with their mistreatment of me [from trip & over time], unintentionally caused him to have bitterness and resentment, and not want to be around them any more (after this last one; last straw), [Long ago he used to say just disown them and i say I cant, and explain why; but their not living as Christian towards me damages; isnt helping lead him to Christ 😟].
By me telling him (the problems and what was going on; regularly) it kinda also didn't help point him to Christ, to show how forgiveness and reconcilliation and God are valuable, cuz I was harming the knowledge he had, and was living discontent and complaining (in a way) which are sins against God. [He was seeing their hypocricy tho in all of this over time, and how i constantly forgive & try again]. I just wanted someone to talk to, and my husband be informed. It would've been better once home to just say, "well there was some good moments on the visit, but still problematic issues - which I will pray about." It may have not caused him to have overwhelmed thoughts, stress etc, and just showed my continued grace towards them in patience, forgiveness and constant attempts with them.
I just recently sorta pointed those things out to my husband saying I was sorry, that it wasnt right for me to do that, & realized it also didn't give him peace in the home, marriage and of mind, because I shouldve just took that all to God only, [esp since hes not saved and can't understand no have proper discussions on these subjects]. So that was my fault and it hurts that this is the outcome. I really want him saved and living a transformed life. *We've been married near 30 yrs, and found out he was a false convert after 3 yrs 😥💔.
So all this to say... if anything is causing your husband resentment, bitterness, discontentment, disappointment [sins], because of what your saying, sharing, how your living, and if you let emotions run situations (in varied circles in your life and home), hes not getting peace. Hes trying to flee so he can get peace. So you need to take drastic measures right now to look at yourself, find areas you've been sinful, behaved, responded, spoke wrong, and go to him to repent, ask forgiveness, and pursue conquering those areas in your life (even submission areas) so youre doing your part to try to make it a marriage ruled under Christ, in the new nature, as you pursue holy living and growth into maturity; to be more like Christ... (as you are trying to prevent divorce and seek help for yall in counseling).
Also, if he pursues seperation or divorce, tell him you "are not in agreement, & will loop the pastor in for church discipline, because I love you, God can work miracles even in our marriage." And do it. Even if you invite him over.
At some point if he persists, tell him, if he pursues to leave or divorce you regardless, then he needs to understand the seriousness of that decision: he can never date or marry again ever, because hes breaking the marriage covenant. Which is in sin, in rebellion to God, and slanders the Gospel, and tramples on Christ. Anything he does after divorce will be in sin, adultery in God's eyes, and puts him on the path of God's discipline and might even lead to illness or death cuz hes not living as a obedient servant of God in righteousness.
If he persists and finds a way to leave or divorce you, then let him go, God wants you to live in peace.
However, in grace and love... *as hes leaving* (if it ends up finalized) tell him/explain: as long as he doesnt lust after or have sex with anyone else, nor remarries in sin, he can come back to you, to restore the broken marriage. It's a grace given to one in sin just as kicking out of the church a unrepentant believer, but who returns having repented and come to his senses, like the prodigals son, the door is open for him to return [to be Remarried to you, (not to be trying to have unmarried sex with you to use you, mislead you, cause you & him to sin)]. And that biblical counseling is *required* as part of this reconnrcting/remarriage to fix past issues, so yall can move forward with Christ at the center of your life and marriage.
By saying this and you being open to it (though hes done a lot of damage and hurt you a lot), it shows love, unselfish, genuine love that seeks restoration, even while being treated wrongly. If he realizes his mistake, he might come back. God is in the miracle business, so pray and live rightly.
While not married, if yall have kids now, he will have visitation time with them (away from you), so you will need to be gracious when you interact, every time. It can be something he sees that he never noticed before, in you. And might also draw him back to you. Esp if he self-reflects on how awful he has been to you and how wrong he has been about all of this. God can use it towards repentance, and maybe reconcilliation.
Pray, live holy, grow in the Faith and in maturity as a believer, and leave the rest with God.
If in the end he leaves and you find a godly man (who truly daily pursues holiness), and marry, then your ex will learn "You don't know what you got till its gone". And that's what he has to live with. You go live your life.
God bless.
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