Parental conflict due to unresolved mistreatment. How to navigate when wanting to avoid them?

Q: The last sermon at church was on forgiveness, and I need some advice. Can we forgive but then choose to love someone from a distance? 

My mother continues to overstep boundaries, speaks ill of me and everyone in her life, and completely disregards my feelings saying I'm being too sensitive. 

I’m not sure how to handle it at this point. I have prayed for years for a stronger relationship with her. It’s unfortunate, as she is a professing Christian who goes to church every week.

A: If its those outside our family and church, possibly. But even thrn, your better off keeping things open so you can minister. Dont cut folk off as you may be the only light of Christ they see. You don't want to be like a Jonah. And if both are saved, you bless and help each other grow more like Christ, (Proverbs 27:17, Eccl. 4:12).

Today far too many MZ Alpha Gen folk take a cowardly approach to conflict instead of going & seeking to resolve things. They hide out and avoid. And that's wrong and sin. 

True forgiveness includes reconciliation not avoidance. 

Youre right to want to do the right thing, because God has told us how(1) we are to live and love towards our family, and respond godly. So its good to seek godly advice to go live that out biblically. 

Here we see the importance of still being in our parents life, to old age/death, unless of course they cut you out. Once Israel as a nation formed (well incl just prior with God giving Moses the 10C which Hebrews said they would abide by), the folk going into the nation would marry, have kids and become the parents. The parents were no longer as in prior times "scattered so far ine couldn't contact them anymore". They were nearby. Always in the same town. We're apprenticed in their family role at home, and lived nearby. They held the same values and beliefs so there was no division. For us it would be Christian, holding to the essentials, living out the holy life, and gaving our parents as godly counselors for guidance in adulthood just as we [women] would from mature godly women and male leader shepherds at the church, as needed. We dont cut off our godly advisors. We dont cut out our family. 

Instead, we are ministers to them, saved or unsaved. We are a light shining in that home, and family, to show the world what God has done in us, and how we handle things. 

Is your Father saved and in the home? He is to be the spiritual leader, and household leader. He should be lovingly calling her out, addressing it, counseling her and setting expectations for her to be living following the righteous path, and keeping her accountable to do so. Its one gift and blessing God gave to families, to guide, help, escalate and get resolution. Its also a reason in this fallen world, we shouldnt pursue unsaved men, nor fornicate but wait for marriage so theres no out of wedlock single moms juggling everything as its unbalanced. Home authority rests with the saved husband/father. If your father is alive, saved and in the home, this should've been brought to him long ago. 

For you... Prayer follows action. This would be sin on your part if svoiding & not lovingly caringly going and addessing it. The issue isn’t just yalls “personality” but is your failure to act in love and obedience toward reconciliation, in Christ.

What youre doing (if "only" action has been prayer): 

Delaying- a arrogance, as tomorrow might not exist for either of you, and no reconcilliation, only regret for the one whose left here.  

Passiveness – “taking a passive approach” instead of engaging actively in peacemaking.

Avoidant – you're “avoiding rather than addressing” the conflict.

Withholding love – since Scripture frames going to a brother/sister as an act of love (Lev. 19:17–18), you are “withholding love by not going to your mother.”

Neglecting your responsibility – you're “neglecting your biblical duty” to pursue reconciliation.

Prayer as a substitute, not a step – you're “using prayer as a substitute for obedience” instead of seeing it as part of the process.

Unfaithful in stewardship – you've been “entrusted with the ministry of reconciliation” (2 Cor. 5:18), but are failing to steward it.

“Praying is good, but if it’s only prayer without obedience, it becomes a way of avoiding. Scripture calls us not to neglect our responsibility to go and be reconciled. Avoidance isn’t love — it’s withholding the very thing your mother needs most from you: honest, biblical engagement.”

You have to go and deal with it(2). Since she Professes Christ it should be easy to do, (since true believers are grateful for sin being brought to their attention so they can repent and reconcile with God and you). If its not recieved by her, you loop others in [believers]. There may be truth to you taking things wrongly and having wrong emotions and thinking towards what she says, so deep dive in Scripture and with mature godly counsel from a leader in church, to get a better understanding. And go from there yourself. 

If shes not saved but a false convert still in idolatry (picking & choosing what she likes), youll possibly need to talk with her and voew her as a unsaved person. If she hasnt grown in holiness over the years, conquered those sins. Perhaps probe her salvation in convos. But for the moment, you have the church as a tool to call her to holy living [either the Christian way, or calling her to salvation]. If she has a solid godly leadership, they thru counseling her can lovingly correct her, or if unsaved, will notice that in counsel convos and call her to salvation- obeying the Gospel]. 

I don't know what you mean by "boundaries", that doesnt sound like typical Christian terminology and biblical viewpoints. [*There kinda is such, but its usually used & understood wrongly by most folk]. Basically, if someone sins against us, we should show grace, love and forgiveness (as none of us are perfect), and seek reconciliation and restoration of relationship. We dont cut people off or avoid so we can live in a comfort bubble. "Iron sharpens iron", were to be in each other's lives ministering to, loving, growing, resolving conflicts... and showing the transforming work of the Gospel to the world. That includes in navigating family issues. 

If theres something merit in what your moms saying about you, then you need to recieve it, consider it. If shes really speaking wrongly of others, that's clearly wrong. So lovingly go & address it, not run from the problem. That only fosters bitterness and desires to avoid [like unsaved folk towards God]. 

You're called to go to her per Scripture(3), and seek to resolve, follow Matt 18 even if that includes escalating church discipline "at her church", in love. Repentance and reconcilliation on both sides is needed. If & while problems are there, neither can partake the Lord's Supper till resolved.(4)

God has given us the Church as a great help for times like these, likewise in times of marrital problems. 

Here's helps and guides for how you should be thinking with a biblical mindset. 

Here's resources for conquering emotion issues and related sin areas in your life to help you mature in the Faith. Both related to your part in the ongoing problems, and in other areas too. 

🫂If needed go together to biblical counselor to resolve. Sometimes its better to have a Mediator. Pastoral counseling is minimal and not as in depth as professional counselors. It's sometimes needed since family problems are typically long standing issues, as marriage problems can be too. Regardless, theyre really great blessing God has given us in modern times to help us think biblically and work thru to resolve problems as individuals and together, so we come out stronger, more mature & are better pursuing holy living from what we learned. 😊

https://biblicalcounseling.com/find-a-counselor

I will say if shes unrepentant, isnt desiring change and not actively self examining and working towards growth, the church might discipline her right out of membership and out of the church(5). They might end up simply exposing her to the congregation as a false convert (if she rejects both discipline and call to salvation), removing her serving abilities, removing her from membership, but allowing her to stay so she can come to saving faith. It would be done lovingly if they go either path with her. Its important, too, cuz it causes her real self reflection. And restoration is the goal. Bringing her back is the goal ✨️. So dont fear godly confrontation. It is for her benefit & your relationship. 

But remember, if theres unforgiving, unreconciling, distance planning in your heart and *you* not wanting to self examine and live holy as rightly, your church should also do those measures on you too, so all the believers live soberly and in pursuit of holy living. 

If one goes off outside God's will, and gets that far under church discpline, theyll likely start experiencing God's discipline too(6), since he loves the believer/child of God. Even if it gets as far as illness or death(7), cuz theyre rebellious and no longer useful here to Him. He wont hear their prayers either while theyre living in sin(8). That's why keeping short sin accounts with God is important.  

Remember also, Biblically, forgiveness is both a heart posture and an action. If you claim to forgive and reconciled, theres no reason to have boundaries or put at arms length. Even if you continually deal with the same problems or related ones, as theyre working on conquering that sin. 70x7 remember? Its about infinite forgiveness. Since we're saved in Christ, living godly and pursuing that, we need to constantly give grace, patience and forgiveness in love, since we too fall short all the time, and as we work to conquer any sin in our life. 

Only if the sin was egregious would prudence accompany forgiveness. And if with a professing believer, would accompany accountability partners (in the church) working with that person (in their daily life) to conquer the sins or best outcome for the situation based on shepherds guidance in the matter. Till they bring that issue to a close. 

However, Forgiveness does not require exposing yourself to repeated harm. Based on the situation, [extreme assault, rape, murder]. If not an extreme issue, its sin to keep that person at arms length still or avoid them. In these ways maintaining a respectful distance, reducing personal intimacy, or being cautious is consistent with wisdom in Scripture.

The issue is when distance is used as a sinful excuse, for masking bitterness & ongoing resentment. If the heart is truly released, even while the person is kept at a distance, forgiveness has occurred. And theres a purposeful progression to bring that person back into fellowship since reconcilliation happened, the restoration and reuniting should therefore be what happens. 

I def do know and understand what youre going thru. So take this as godly guidance from a mature older believer whose long been in those trenches. 

Like noted before, these can be hard to navigate, so even if you get guiding counsel from a professional Biblical Counselor, to have a game plan to go forward with, for your particular situation, I highly recommend doing so. You can always go back to them again for more guidance as you work towards resolution, & even helpful if both go to see the counselor. It can help resolve this and move forward with it all left in the past. 😊❤️

God bless

Footnotes:

 Verses:

(1)

Ephesians 6:2-3

"Honor your father and mother"-- which is the first commandment with a promise- "so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on he earth."

Matthew 15:3-4 

 Jesus replied, "And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition? For God said, Honor your father and mother and 'Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.'

1 Timothy 5:8

"Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." * (1)

2 Thessalonians 3:14-15

"Take special note of anyone who does not obey our instruction... Do not associate with them in order that they may feel ashamed. Yet do not regard them as an enemy, but warn them as you would a fellow believer." 

Matthew 18:15-17

"If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan"

(2) 

Matthew 5:23–24 – “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

Matthew 18:15 – “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”

Mark 11:25–26 – “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your trespasses.”

Matthew 6:14–15 – “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

Colossians 3:13 – “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

Ephesians 4:32 – “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Romans 12:18 – “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

(3) Read Matt 18.

 & on 1 Timothy 5 The immediate context is about caring for widows. Paul was telling the church that widows with children or grandchildren should be cared for by their own families first, before the church assumes responsibility (vv. 3–4, 16).

This verse is directed at children and grandchildren providing for parents and widowed relatives.

At the same time, the principle applies more broadly: believers must provide for their dependents — spouses, children, parents, and household — or else they live worse than an unbeliever, (since even unbelievers typically naturally care for their families).

While the church is also to help provide for widows, we arent to be evil and avoid caring for, providing & ministering to them, if immediate relative, & those living with us. 

(4)

Matthew 5:23-24

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift." This passage underscores the priority of resolving conflicts before engaging in worship. 

Matthew 18:15

"If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over." This verse encourages direct communication to resolve issues privately before escalating them.

(5) 1 Corinthians 11:27–29 

 “Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty concerning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself.”

(6) connected to Matt 18 

1 Corinthians 5:5 – “You are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord.”

(7)

Hebrews 12:6–7 – “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons.”

1 Corinthians 11:30–32 – “That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died. But if we judged ourselves truly, we would not be judged. But when we are judged by the Lord, we are disciplined so that we may not be condemned along with the world.”

⚠️*(illness & death isnt a clear indicator the person is in unrepentant sin, as we learned in Job & with Jesus healings, [tho as many cultures hold to such belief falsely, unjustly, damaging and hurting millions of their people by shunning or kicking them out]. But, don't automatically think thats why someone's sick or died). 

(8) God removes disobedient rebellious believers, whom he has no further use for here. Their being here only damages the Gospel. 

Numbers 16:31–33 – “And as soon as he had finished speaking all these words, the ground under them split apart… and they went down alive into Sheol, with all that belonged to them; the earth closed over them, and they perished from the midst of the assembly.”

1 Corinthians 11:30 – “That is why many among you are weak and sick, and a number of you have fallen asleep [died].”

2 Timothy 2:20–21 – “Now in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and clay, some for honorable use, some for dishonorable. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work.”

(8) God wont hear prayers if sin is blocking fellowship 

Psalm 66:18 – “If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened.”

Proverbs 28:9 – “If one turns away his ear from hearing the law, even his prayer is an abomination.”

Isaiah 59:2 – “But your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that he does not hear.”

1 Peter 3:12 – “For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

John 9:31 – “We know that God does not listen to sinners, but if anyone is a worshiper of God and does his will, God listens to him.”

1 John 3:22–23 – “And whatever we ask [that's in His Will] we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him.”

1 John 1:9 – “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

*(Implying that until confession/repentance happens, fellowship is broken and prayers hindered.)

James 5:16–17 – “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”

*(God has blessed us with the ability to make intercession for believers in sin, by praying for them; to Him on their behalf, even without their requesting it). 

(*) The first verses at beginning, did you look them up?

Proverbs 27:17 

“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”

Ecclesiastes 4:12 

“And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”

⭐️Pls do go thru all the links above, as theyll truly bless you. 

Hope this has helped! 😊✝️✨️