Young w godly bf heading towards marriage, have struggles on when to marry, and am battling lust

Q: I’m 20, and want to get married now. 

I was taken advantage of throughout my childhood so while it may seem as though I haven’t had to wait long for marriage, I have, as I was exposed to sexuality as early as 8, and have been wrestling against lust for 12 long years now. Instead of playing with dolls and growing up as a kid should, I was exposed to sex, pornography, masturbation, toys, etc. (all the while raising my siblings). 

Once I surrendered my life to God I realized that I needed to die to my hypersexuality and wait til marriage, but I am fighting every second of the day to not sin against my own body, (though I’ve been free from pornography and masturbation for a little over a year now). 

I am currently in a Godly relationship (1 year next month) and the fruit does show for it in our lives: we’re both waiting til marriage, and were before we knew the other person existed, we study our Bibles daily with the aim of learning more in Christ, and we uphold the Bible as daily guidance and interpretation for us both separately and individually. 

However, it doesn’t seem like there’s a way to get married now. We’re both still in school. I have a car, but he does not. I have thoughts on how we would afford rent or other necessities... & often switch between wanting for us to finish schooling and get married, or just waiting until we finish college in 3 to 4 yrs, but I doubt I’ll make it that long. I’m fighting lust that’s been in me since I was a little girl. 

I want to just believe that God will open the door for financial blessings as soon as we get married to help my him provide for us, but the other side is screaming that that’s unwise and that we need to wait 2 more years for assured stability. 

My boyfriend is aware of my past with lust in its entirety and he knows it’s hard for me to wait, but it doesn’t seem like we’ll get married soon. He also broke down crying tonight expressing to me that he feels inadequate as I got my own car, while he still takes the bus and Ubers. He explained that he wants to provide for me and should be so he has to keep working hard (school and job) so he doesn’t give up on me or himself.

I’m tired of denying my flesh and I want to honor God with my desires, but at the same time, God knows my situation and it feels as though I have to suffer for more years. I feel like I’ll break and I’m scared either way: marriage or not.

A:  These are regular things couples have to think through, esp when younger, and in an increasingly more sexualized nation. 

If hes mastered taking public transportation that's great! And hes balancing public transport w ride sharing.

Which is likely a huge savings, lessens his chances of being in a car accident (#1 cause of 17-25 year olds deaths are car crashes). It gives him daily peaceful meditation time in the Scriptures and with the Lord on his commute (both ways) too, and time in prayer with God, that a hustle bustle fast morning routine and focused car drive cant give him. There's many nations whose getting around here-to-there is 90% public transportation based [not car based] (like Japan). It saves high vehicle monthly costs, expensive maintenence, insurance costs, gas costs, too. And depending on how far away he is from work, it can actually be a big benefit. Lowe's stress too. He shouldnt feel shame over that. Encourage him about these things. Its commendable! Hes also young and making his way in life and trying to figure things out. It is great that you've found a guy whose pursuing holy Christian living, doing studies with you, desires to lead and provide, and be the man God created him to be. He will have struggles and concerns since he has a higher responsibility than you, try not to add to the burden, but a blessing, and pray together.  Most guys want to have a foundation first (be settled in a job and be able to provide) before marrying, but women typically want to build a life together from the ground up. Hes wanting to do things well, try to make it easy on him. There's a balance there needed when yall find each other before hes prepared. But if God is in it, he will guide. 

You do need to conquer lust and grow in self control, and it will be a struggle till you conquer it. Its good you're trying, keep persevering.  But also is important to understand marriage isnt about sex. Its simply a gift from God to the married couple. Marriage is much much more. Its also not about lovey dovey type love, its about the kind of love God shows us in Christ and the love He shows us beyond that. It's about our humble attitude & serving towards one another in Christ, for their good and best, and glorifying God in it. No matter in sickness, health, poor or well off. Its about our sanctification (growing us in holiness to be more like Christ), biblically lovingly correcting each other, growing, praying & etc. It has 0 to do with selfish desires and pagan/ westernized thoughts on getting something out of it. Its also you putting yourself under a saved (whose pursuing holiness) husband to submit to him in all areas of your life as he leads the relationship, the home, family and spiritual leader over all yall. That might be a hard thing for a young newly independent female to do, if marrying young. It's good to have the desire to live under God's design for mankind, and under the headship of Christ [which he (bf) has to submit to too]. 

But you need to mature in the Faith and Word so you can live out the Christian life well. That helps you avoid problems in marriage, and causing them too. Being so young, the desire to marry is good, but you cant make it an idol either. But I can see the desire to marry so you dont burn with passion and sin. Your situation is connected to past trauma and thats why its not wise to just pursue marriage for that. A few years delay till his college is over is not a bad thing either. It might even give you time to get help and conquer it so you step into marriage, right minded. It might be God's will for you. 

Your desire for marriage is holy and good, it must also be grounded in wisdom and preparation. God sees your fight for purity, and your labor is not in vain (1 Cor. 15:58). If you cannot endure, marriage is a righteous path—but if you can continue in patience, trusting Him for His timing, He may be shaping you both into the strong foundation your marriage will need, and prepare you both for the life ahead. Either way, your obedience now honors Christ, and God will guide you. Its good youre weighing these varied things out before diving in, and finding yourself in dire straits or financial calamity, adding stress to the new marriage, or with an expensive child right off, adding more stress. Think wisely, make a decision together, and stick to it. 

Since you had a sexualized past, you need help to understand & conquer it so you can live free from its grasp... to focus on Christ and Christian life. Once your life is centered and focused in that area, you'll be able to live out the Faith well. And be marriage material, or ready to marry. I know many marry young, and a lot of women just want to find someone to go on the life journey with, but marriage is for life. You cant just divorce and run off if times get really hard in the relationship or think you would be better off alone or with someone more mature. Both need to be focused on maturing in the Faith well. Can you both do/handle that reality, & live it out well, at a young age? That's for yall and for your godly counselors in your life (pastor, parents and pro folk) to help yall come to the conclusion. We can't say, but theyll be a good help for you two. So you can live a equally yoked & blessed life [or better chance at it]. 

Heres some things to help as each & you both head down this path.

Talk to a biblical counselor for the past trauma, current lust struggle, to understand marriage better, and to find areas in your life you need to grow. It will bless you well if you both go through such prof. counseling. Theyll also help you both identify weak areas and guide you, so you can improve, & prepare for marriage. Its a good thing to do. 

*If you cant afford it, seek a more deeper guidance & counsel from your Pastor and wife for all these things, over the next few months.  

This can further be a intro help on conquering lust & sexual sins biblically, esp if its something you cant talk about to your pastor & his wife. *It's good info regardless, & covers varied sexual sin. 

A note on lust & marriage. 

You've already proven you can conquer sexual sin. Just focus on killing the fleshly sinful desires, and “hate” it, because it is not of God and cuz sin is out of His will. Strive for purity, holiness and righteous living. 

Don’t get married because you are struggling with lust and wanting sex. He can't fulfill your flesh even in marriage because your flesh isn't obedient to God. Marriage won't change that. Marriage magnifies our sin. Give this to God and train your thoughts to Gods Word. Continue to lean on Him. You need to spend this time while he's growing into being in a position of being a godly husband, to actually take your flesh captive, kill it and surrender it fully to Him (to not be a slave to it anymore). Your boyfriend is being wise and wanting to be in a position to be an honorable husband - you need to do the same and meet his effort with your own because right now you won't be a healthy wife for him. Pursue having victory over lustful thoughts. 

Think on things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely Philippians 4:8

Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ 2 Corinthians 10:5.

You can conquer temptation so it no longer has a lure to you, nor is in your thoughts. When its dead to you its dead. 

So/But proper intimate thoughts and feelings will be lived out in holiness and by design once youre married. You'll both enjoy that gift, and in time be blessed with kids, to raise up in the Lord. 😊✨️

Here are resources to help you.

Books and resources to prepare for marriage:

* Book recommendations for pre marriage, marriage, women, men, Christian living etc thst can benefit yall. 

* Questions to be having with your bf so you both can think through the life you plan to build together. Fortunately you sound equally yoked, so a lot of things dont need addressing and likely arent deal breakers, or concerns to have. 

* Dating/Courting resources (and boundaries to keep), that can be a help

*On Marriage , heres several areas here to look thru and get firm understanding of about marriage, so you are not going in blind. It will benefit both of you.

And some good resources for both of you for Christian living is found here, (with resources for men, husbands, fathers etc too☆). 

God bless