Counsel on Sin (&/or a spouses sin)
Q: I talked with non Christians on how pornography affects the spouse. I was feeling vulnerable but wanted to get my feelings out. The first response was "just leave dummy". So many people of the world just don't understand. I've realized this is why Christians are a safe space for our problems. I don't want to leave. I don't want another person. I want my marriage to be restored and to be able to glorify God with the man I love. I made a covenant and I'm not breaking it because the world thinks leaving is the answer. I will continue to pray and fight for my marriage.
What godly advice can you give on my situation. Thx.
A: This response has been genericized a bit while addressing and counseling for the noted Unequally yoked spousal sin issue, since what's said can help everyone.
Firstly, yes! It is right to remain in the marriage covenant. There are very few reasons a believer can divorce a spouse, and only after doing everything possible to save it. God is a restorer and miracle worker. The world seeks to cut losses and destruction follows. Christians fight to preserve marriage and put Christ at the center.
So for those unsaved they cant see things rightly as those born again do, they have no desire towards anything but what they are and do by their sin nature [as it is all they can do]. So while we are hit by the devastation their sin brings (affects us) and have to live in, though we can try to guide them to helps to stop doing certian things, truth is - unless they desire it [and are of God] then they wont get it taken care of once and for all. So all that to say the vital thing to focus on is >>>to minister the Gospel to them. To call them to get right with God and for Him to transform them into a new person, who can [in God's power] destroy sin in their life for good. So unlike the world may call someone "a recovering alcoholic who always will be one", not so with a Christian. You are a new creation who has conquered and had victory over a sin, and it is dead to you now. You are simply a saved sinner surrendered to God who is a conquer in Christ. It is Very different.
So if [you] or the person you're desiring/seeking help for isnt saved, (even if a false professer of Christ) you can (soaked in prayer before and after) [self examine] / approach them carefully with the Gospel. Bring up the Gospel to lead them genuinely to Christ. And if they dont come to faith now or the next convo on it,... trust God is planting seeds towards it growing (in time) in their heart and mind to lead them to Christ. You'll need to keep pursuing them in love pointing to Christ, in patience with self control, in love, grace, mercy and with a forgiving spirit, being the godly example and minister, so Christ shines from you and draws them to Him. This does mean you need to keep conquering your sins, your tongue, your heart, your mindset so you mature in the Faith, and they might see that change- theyre definitely watching your life. But your mindset towards them changes for your betterment and for their good on the recieving end - in all your thoughts, words, deeds, and in submission to & under Christ. *As you continually pursue Christlikeness*. With that said, here are some suggested ways you can bring up the Gospel. I suggest the generic starter as the 1st attempt, and then if person doesnt surrender to Christ obeying the Gospel then and there, then when opps arise, very carefully and in a right spirit with loving heart and godly mindset - try one of the other ways (in 1st link) to bring it up again, as situations arise. Wherever you may be. (Such convos are had every day, everywhere, that do lead folk to Christ).
Time is of the essence, as tomorrow isnt guaranteed, but without anxiety have peace that "in all things - God is in control". Do get busy, get to it, because you are called to be about our Father's business & Christ's commission to us the Gospel proclamation. That starts in the home; your primary mission field. You can do it 🌟
Before finding a good timing to approach the Gospel with the person...1). Review the material in advance, and 2). check your own sins and repent of them, [and if its a spouse- 2b). have a convo about it noting "as a Christian you arent perfect but are working on bringing your life to a more Christlike one". [That way you can not long after, get to the Gospel] 3). Understand the sin he is struggling with so you can respond in godly right ways, and have an understanding of its issue. 4). Then approach the Gospel convo at right timing [not while hes in a bad mood etc],(while in process/progress of continuing to remove every stumbling block to the person [perhaps is a spouse] so they have no excuse to keep them from Christ. [*For some wives this may take a lot of work & time esp if removing feminist worldly mindsets & in submission to God -aligning to Scripture, (& pastoral counsel can help guide here too)]).
Regardless you are to be an Ambassador of Christ, submitting to God & growing in the Faith. That includes daily pursuing the knowledge of the Word (being in it), getting closer to God and know Him more (through it), maturing in sanctification; growing in the Fruit of the Spirit, and in conquering sin in your own life.
Christians are transformed people, yes they stumble & sin, theyre not perfect, and others may call us hypocrites bcuz in darkness they dont understand. Christians are people who repent, pursue Christlikeness, + they forgive, seek to reconcile and restore fellowship. Unlike unsaved sinners who only pursue sin by their nature, who point out faults and judge or just continue on in sin uncaring how it affects those near or around them. How it destroys families too. They hold grudges, cut people off and out, and go their own way. Christians are not like that. And they see it in time as they observe a believers life; growing changing, etc. And it can draw some to Christ; just observing a believer maturing in the Faith- seeing what God is doing & has done in your life. So never grow weary in ministering the Gospel to someone, [and continuing to to yourself too. The Gospel is at the root of our faith in Christ. And we live it out by its life changing power]. *Regardless of their response/behavior to you as you pursue godly life, continue on (and respond Christlike). We continually see this in Scripture, [even in Hosea (wife was always in adultery, yet God called him to always take her back)]. Marriage is related to the Gospel.
Also when sharing Christ- do not present a false gospel that emphasizes Christianity as "a life fixer". Yes salvation has some of those transformative benefits, but the Gospel and the person's reason for coming to Christ is primarily about: being right with God and desiring righteousness. The other things are by products of the new birth and happen as one pursues a holy life.
So, for a spouse- give a look at your life and in recent years (or months if a new believer), identify what areas you have sinned against your spouse, have a convo to address "that you were wrong, in faith youre working to correct your mindset so you align to godliness as you grow, and wanted to apologize & to let (him) know." This can prompt (him) to see your faith matters, and shows you value & your love your spouse. Then go review the Gospel material, get prepped, (as in paralell youre pursuing the changes you need to in your life, so you can be respected as you minister to your family, and they can see the changes), and then at the right timing have that Gospel convo & go from there.
For family, adult kids, friends, others, follow a similar pattern. You're laying the groundwork to be used by God to "shine forth" & minister Christ to others... while aligning your life more & more to Christlikeness.
Self Counseling & resources by sin issue
to examine yourself to understand the matter, or/& to better help you minister to someone in need of helps to conquer specific sin(s)
Prof Biblical Counselor directory & info Christians need to understand
Recovering from Infidelity with Christ
*it addresses your initial note on not separating or divorcing but by counseling to guide. Incl seperation in cases where needed, divorce discussions for really understanding the marriage covenant, your options and with pastoral guidance; preferring restoration and reconciliation, & an end to the sin/issue vs divorce.
*These can help you with all the above noted guidance biblically and more. 🌟
Save this page in your bookmarks so you can go through the materials here.
God bless
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