Marital Helps needed
Married problems
Q: Help regarding our 10 year marriage problems. My husband of 10 years and I have divorced once, remarried, separated, restored again almost divorced and it has been a year later. Our son was born after we remarried he is 3 yrs old now.
We were only truly happy for probably the first 2-3 yrs, divorced in year 4, remarried year 6 (after that our son was born). After a year we separated 1.5 years (and I was pursuing a divorce but stuck it out). My son and I just moved back in 2 months ago. During our marriage there has been no infidelity.
I am struggling so bad to love my husband (and get over everything we have been thru in the past). 😔
Everything he does annoys me, I’m nagging him all the time, picking at him, everything he does is wrong in my eyes, I don’t want to feel like this… I want to love him, and be a family that is healthy and loving for my son.
Our issues stemmed from how I feel like he treated me, I didnt and dont feel emotionally supported, mentally stimulated or challenged to be better, I often feel like we are not meant for eachother and we are wasting our time or are roommates. He wants sex almost everyday & it’s hard to fulfill that for him (because I don’t feel connected to him, & that’s how he connects).
However since we have moved back in I have seen effort on his part, buying me flowers, helping cook diner, leaving sticky notes with cute messages, among other things.
We attend church as a family and worship together but we don’t pray together... he wakes up an hour before everyone a reads his Bible.
Things still bother me. I feel like he just is not a kind hearted person, he doesn’t go out of his way to help anyone. He is very impatient when things don’t go his way, just fits of anger, tossing things, not throwing aggressively or cussing or anything, just being impatient.. there’s so much tension around him & he gives me anxiety just being around him sometimes … he comes off like a jerk to others because he doesn’t realize social cues & can’t read the room.
I truly believe he’s a decent person, but just doesn’t know how to act like a nice calm person. I want a loving gentle kind man… & he’s not these things 😔😔. I just don’t know what to do, I’ve prayed and prayed. Nothing changes.
I used to pray to God to help me not love him anymore because i was hurting so much from not feeling like I was being treated like I should be
I’ve spoken to him about some of this and my feelings. I just don’t think he truly hears and understands what I’m saying. He knows what I like and I do see him take initiative sometimes, but also he’s told me he doesn’t feel secure in our relationship because of me wanting to leave him. So that prevents him from even trying. That hurts but I understand why he feels the way he does. We definitely need godly counsel separate and together.
How can I love him with all these problems and situations and sufferings. How can we become stronger in our relationship. Advice?
A: First, most all of our problems are caused by our selfish sinful selves, tbh. Fortunately thru the Word and godly counsel you have hope. 😀🌟
And you've already identified several areas you need to work on yourself about, so that is great 😀🤗.
Next, know that God is NOT the author of confusion, and we know where that spirit comes from. He is the tempter and one who is here to damage, destroy and kill. The enemy keeps us focused on our feelings, self and desires. God leads us to think of and focus on others. Reading this, it’s clear you and your husband are hurting. We live in a fallen sin stained world full of suffering. All this pain is building a wall of bitterness and resentment and you need to forgive, put the past in the past and only focus day by day on today. How can you love and serve each other today is to be the focus.
Dealing with Past Regrets podcast
Next, you def should not be married just for your son. That kind of plan never works out because life is more than your son. Marriage is about the couple first. It is about 2 people in a covenant relationship for life, lived before God, in godly ways as a team who radiates Christ in your life and to the world. It seems there is positives in the marriage and there is love there so I dont think that is your core purpose for being married. But since you divorced and remarried you need to stay together going forward.
Here are some helps on the topics:
For him:
*Is he born again?
If not you need to make reaching him for Christ a priority.
Reading the Bible & going to church can simply be a form of moralism while still self righteous and self focused and under God's judgment.
It is good he is reading it even if unsaved though.
> Have him review NeedGod.com (gospel)
> Have him read on the Holiness of God
*Have him go through the info here on Anger and Pride counsel.
Have a real sit down family meeting about your feelings. And get his calm rational feedback and yours and write actions for both of you to take to start working on these problems [to better your relationship and with God].
Your son is 3 now so most of the harder times are in the past. If you not reading the Bible together you could at least read separately at the same time. Then discuss what you read. Share interesting things you learned - and [if he is saved] add this: let him be the spiritual leader he is supposed to be. Even if it is asking him to look up 1 thing you vocally ask him a question about so he can take baby steps to go look into it. Even if he asks godly men at church and gets back to you.
For You:
*You need to let him know that you are taking your marriage seriously, and view it as a covenant between us and God. And that it is for life. There should be no legitimate reason you ever seperate or divorce again. And the fact that you bith worked hard to overcome all the problems in the past... we can have a good future ahead "with God at the helm" and not me.
*Understand complaining, grumbling and bitterness are problems that attack the soverignty and sufficiency of God. His Word guides us in all our problems and sufferings.
- Make sure you live in Grace towards him as God did towards you, and in forgiveness, but also... live godly before him "as uprightly as you can" in thought word and deed, while loving [as you grow in maturity in faith and these areas].
-Serving and loving are choices.
This can help...
* Go through the book The Exemplary Wife. And realign your life in ways it suggests for a wife to be a blessing to him.
*Go through this book Instruments in The Redeemers Hands (avail on audio) and implement what you can. It is very helpful for Self Counseling. If you have Spotify Premium or Audible you get one free book a month a month and can listen thru it there in your free home or cleaning time. (Not in your car as you will miss a lot).
And be in the Word daily. Purposely look in it for how you can grow in Christlikeness and loving ways to bless your husband.
Pray for Him. Pray for You.
Pray together every day. Write out prayers that are heart felt so you each hear those prayers besides talking about them >> but talk about them before praying on them so neither if you are blindsided. And so it isnt a negative gossip fest in prayer. God wont hear those kind.
Some final hard points:
As a believer you cannot divorce except infidelity, abandonment and serious abuse. God does not want believers divorcing and remarrying on a merry go round of adultery [research this further in Scripture, not discussed here]. If you remarried him knowing he is not saved you are still in rebellion towards God as unequally yoked.
If you are stuck with him in this marriage as a unbeliever and unequally yoked this will be your other deep dive so you can navigate life together. It will be full of endless suffering and problems that a godly marriage doesnt go through. But it and Christian facebook unequally yoked groups will help you navigate it.
Remember marriage isnt about your happiness. Just like following Christ isnt about you [selfishness].
Godly marriage podcast
We are stuck in a sin stained fallen world, for now. We need to do our best to travel thru it... on our way to glory.
Day to day stuff:
Pick your battles. Both of you need to look at things on a scale of 1 to 5. Dont bottle something up but just let it go as not important esp in light of eternity. Everything here is so temporary and super short compared to that. If it isnt a 4 or 5 dont bring it up. Instead Pray right then to not let it be an issue. If it is a super serious thing them bring it up. We arent perfect so we cannot be perfectionists nor expect everyone to do perfectly. We are all flawed people of sin who need grace, mercy, forgiveness and love 247 365. 🤗
Tip:
>> both agree to use the 1-5. Agree to ask kindly "Is this a 1 or a 5?" if one of you messed up and started complaining, getting upset etc. And agree to be humble and say "It is a 2 and I'm sorry. It isnt a big deal and I shouldnt have responded that way pls forgive me." Then hug, and resolve to go pray on it to get yourself aligned to God's Will and read some related verses. And try to do better day to day. 😇
Final things.
Decide what things are important for you to get his help with at home and the child, and have him buy into committing to help with those things. Post it on the fridge. Have him write one for you too and post it in your bedroom bathroom mirror. Decide who does what and some basic manners etc you both want maintained in your lives and home.
Review it at a weekly family meeting. Be communicators. And doers [in love and serving one another; Christ said "the greatest" are the ones serving].😊
I would go through the counseling portions above before jumping into Professional Counseling. You can take self "growth steps" along the way step by slow step. If after all that you think you need counseling go to your pastor. And if you need professional counseling after that go here
Related Resources
God be with you on this journey.
He is the great miracle worker and lover of our souls. 🥰
⭐Bookmark this page so you can review all the linked contents and recommended books.
Relationships take work, but thank God for all these resources he provided for us to go through to help us. 😇✝️🙏
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