Abused and left - but need advice
Abused spouse, separated & divorcing
Q: I've had to leave my abusive husband, and need clarity on my situation, biblically.
When getting married my husband acted so good to me. After a few months his true colors started to show and he started to abuse me emotionally and verbally, and escalated to some physical abuse.
We have been married about 3 years and have a 6 month old.
He shows no repentence. He apologizes and acts victim and claims to be sorry but then never changes. Physical abuse got worse, he shoved me while I was holding our baby during a freak out. I want nothing to do with him.
I never wanted this, but he told me with his own mouth my safety was in danger. All I wanted to be in life was a godly wife and mother
I left him and the state a month ago.
Some say that according to the Bible I can never remarry again, and this doesnt seem right 🥺😭.
I want my child to have a good father figure in her life.
A: Not sure if he is professing believer. If he is you can leverage that in church discipline and seeking him to live holy.
But... this is going to sound hard, and you have to remove the emotions and handle this biblically: You are in the wrong here as a believer. You have to go back to him... or you cannot ever remarry.
Yes, continual unrepentant physical abuse is cause for divorce. But based in what you said, it doesn't sound like you followed the biblical escalation and steps right. You just ran off.
1. Eat a humble pie. Go and repent to him and reconcile for leaving and not fighting for the marriage as a Christian should.
2. You are biblically allowed to be separated (from time to time, as needed) during problem times for counseling and prayer. So temp live elsewhere while this is being resolved.
3. Go through biblical counseling, with him. If he refuses "marriage counseling" , then bring family into this and your pastor for intervention to push him into counseling and... go to a prof. biblical marriage counselor only. No other place.
This is how counseling will go. It follows the biblical pattern. The goal is repentance, reconcilliation, restoration- and going onwards into the future together rightly. There will be attempts to lead him to Christ, and for him to repent and live holy. To love you as Christ loves the church. To totally transform the marriage for the good.
Now, while packing for on your way back home, call a biblical counselor (who will be in the husbands state and county) and discuss the issue & what was shared here, to get guidance on the steps to take, where to live, etc, and make future in person appts for both of you [even if its just you, due to his refusal].
Even if your first meet up is at the counselors office, and it's where he can see the child. (Have a lawyer there too, if counselor recommends, to ensure you apologize and don't end up arrested & having the child taken from you ---to him.] There, tell him you were in fear for your and the child life based on thjngs he said do you had to flee to protect you both. When calling for the meet up. Don't say where it is, just the address and time. Do everything else in the pros presence.
Listen to Gabbys testimony (in 1st 8 minutes) to have a small grasp on how fighting for and living out the Gospel can redeem your marriage. And it starts with humility in the areas of your errors, to begin towards it.
Too many people do not understand the Bible on the topic of marriage and divorce, its seriousness, and do not consult their pastor. A marriage should always be fought for to stay in the covenant bonds and be rightly lived out.
However [if continual unrepentant] in 3 situations, you are free to go. The spouse severed the covenant in those cases. In your case you didnt do all you can & with proper counsel. Plus you might be pursued as a kidnapper of the children. So you need to deal with this rightly.
In different circumstances, if he leaves he has severed the marriage. incl if he refuses counseling after many attempts, [or doesn't change after counseling] and included that is if police called, assault & arrest, and also refusing court mandated counseling.... then its gone as far as it can go. He's severed the covenant by dereliction of responsibilities & abandonment of role as husband.
These will give you some more clarity on this biblically and rightly as it applies.
Believers and Divorce faq resources
If you divorce unbiblically, you can never remarry. So do things rightly.
If the marriage ends biblically... never marry a man who is not very clearly a godly man in Christ. Have other believers vet him and deep dive to make sure. Take no chances.
Here are resources to look at soon/later regarding marriage, a godly spouse, and on avoiding the horrors of unequally yoked relationships. Going through these will help you ensure not to fall into the same problems, and what you should be thinking about as far as marriage goes, and what that covenant relationship means. And how to live godly before an unsaved spouse.
God bless!
P.S. since you have a child, unless the courts decree he can have no contact with your child, then immediately... you need a lawyer. Since you might legally be in a kidnap situation - so get this taken care of rightly.
Related:
Protecting abused women (fee)
Soon:
Link explaining abuse & why/what severs a marriage
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