Should we divorce?
Should we divorce?
When did you know to leave?
I’ve been married for 10 years. We’re in our early 30'. We have had a very hard marriage with more bad than good seasons. We’ve been through so much (cheating, alcoholism, polygamy, and abuse) that we aren’t friends. We’re coparenting roommates.
All of this was before I gave my life to Jesus and started living for Christ. Everything about me radically changed. But my husband has stayed the same.
He has intentionally sought out other woman to hurt me (his words) because our bedroom activities have changed. We still are intimate but I’ve drawn the line when he is drunk. He drinks every night and has gotten physical with me when I say no (to intimacy at night because of how drunk he is and has hurt me at times).
I am suspicious that he is on social media, snapchatting or texting other women but I’m also at the point where I do not care.
He does not have a relationship with Christ. He says he prays but he doesn’t go to church, doesn’t read the Bible and excuses his sins because “Christ died for me so it’s fine” “Christ wants me to be happy the way I am” All of that is wrong.
I want better for my kids, and for myself. I fear I am more in love with the idea of who my husband could be than who he actually is. How do I know if or when it is right to leave?
A: I am not sure what the alleged abuse or harming you during intimacy entails but it sounds like that happens when he is drunk, and if that can be conquered through a program designed to overcome alcoholism, (a Christian one is preferable to AA since AA doesnt focus on Jesus anymore and doesnt follow the "Such WERE some of you" understanding as Scripture does. For once you are free from a sin it is in the past and not who you are anymore - you dont dwell on it), then there is a chance he will be repentant of that, and your marriage could move onto the right track. You just need to have the godly mindset of forgiveness, no grudges, no thinking on the past, being patient, self controlling, kind, loving and gracious towards him as God has been towards you.
If it changes him then he might change his mindset and heart towards infidelity and decide he will clean up his life for you & the kids. Even if its moralism mentality vs Salvation at the start of the progress.
So first try to get an intervention so he takes seriously the need for conquering his alcoholism.
Next I recommend inviting your pastor over with the intention of addressing all these issues. The Pastor has nothing to lose by being firm, rebutting those views you noted he holds, and for calling him to Christ. You have nothing to lose either. I think if some Christians just get a bit of backbone and "go for it", in a contained space, like the home, then it might wake a spouse up to reality and start him on a journey to Christ. Let the kids hear it so they hear biblical answers from the Pastor and not dads baloney. They can play with a puzzle in the living room nearby so they hear it. And it can also cause him to actually address these things. Dont let him send the kids out the room. If theyre older ensure when pastor arrives that they are in the room and know to remain there "for an important reason". Also let them know if they have any questions they can come talk with you privately in their room afterwards.
If he storms out the house to avoid alcoholic intervention, do it again and again until he sits and listens. Same with the Pastor. If he walks out, bring him over again and again until he sits through the whole conversation & engages rightly.
While he isnt saved right now, we are still called to remain married unequally yoked if criteria is met, even if its hard. But if it warrants divorce because he has actually severed the marriage by 1. unrepentant adultery or 2. unrepentant physical abuse, or 3. abandonment, then you are free to go and can remarry. But think things through before you jump into divorce.
Is he physically committing adultery? If he is and he is unrepentant, then you should seek out a liscensed biblical counselor to see if that situation warrants biblical divorce. If not theyll try to help you through some steps before that "severing" decision is made.
A repentant spouse would look like this regarding the above issue:
"He made a decision where he totally permanently actually decided [and upholds that] he will never do it again - out of fear of God, because its right, & out of love & respect for you." Even if he is unsaved, there are men who are faithful to his wife due to their morals. So they would avoid or stop a behavior out of moralism more than supposed love for you. But they are faithful. But...in truth the unsaved cant truly be repentant about sexual sins without having salvation. They cant actually love you without having the love of God in them. Because without God they cannot actually love rightly.
This is why I say have the Pastor over for a bold come to Jesus type confrontation conversation. If he is at home and its just between you two... he is able to hide and avoid change cuz its behind closed doors - no one knows but you two. So If he is never confronted by someone else (whom he may respect or someone with perceived authority) he can easily keep living how he is. He doesnt care how it affects you because he loves himself not you nor the kids, and without Christ he really cant anyway. But he can live properly somewhat morally, at least, as a start, if hes shook by someone else. He wont listen to you because you are his wife and hes not saved (or he would consider and pray on an issue). So have others as the lead for the alcoholism and infidelity intervention. Someone who will keep at it till husband agrees to get clean. And have the pastor take the lead and aggressively out of love do the same for the marriage and Salvation matters that need addressing.
So, If you call a biblical counselor they might agree with my assessment and steps to fix and reconcile. So first try to deal with the alcoholism issue, then the infidelity, then see where to go from there. Kids are involved, his salvation is needed, while not in your control he is receiving a grace by him being married to you and you showing forth Christ whereas if he wasnt married to you he wouldnt have that and wouldnt have a hope. But with you he has a prayer warrior and an example of Christ in his life, and someone who wants to see him saved.
He has some kind of idolatrous belief about Christianity and God but something over nothing sometimes could work in your favor, and for his good. So an intervention and a Pastors real convo with him might jolt him to reality and help straighten him out cuz "others know now" & he probably cares how others percieve him. But your life before him will also be an example of a Christian, so live well before him [grow in sanctification], suffer through reasonable situations [not abuse] to in humility show Christlikeness by not demanding your way. Love is humility in action and leads to selfless service. Its not cuz you are good or nice but the emphasis needs to be that you are this way because you are Christian; a follower of Christ.
1 Cor. 7:10-17
"But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.
if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not divorce her husband. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband. For otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. [They have godly influence by you]
Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave. The brother or the sister is not enslaved in such cases, but God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will lead your husband to salvation? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will lead your your wife to salvation? Only, as the Lord has assigned to each one, as God has called each, in this manner let him walk. And so I direct in all the churches."
But know, if in the process he wants nothing to do with Christianity or nothing to do with actual change... then he is a false convert or idolator who only seeks his sinful selfish desires. And if he falls into sexual sin, abuse escalates etc you might be wisely counseled to seperate & probably at some point to divorce since he has severed the marriage covenant. So have this conversation with a biblical counselor and ask their guidance about it. Plan to contact them a few times through the situation and until resolution of his conversion and restoration or they say to proceed to divorce.
There is nothing wrong with separating until he gets his act together, as it protects you & the kids from further abuse, and you from a serious STD. But just have that plan in place before you announce the separation, (where you will live, who will be with you when announce it & pack, safety measures etc, so others are always with you). *Make sure they are trustworthy and either dont know him or the kind of people who wont call or say anything to him. And wont leave you alone with him. (1)(2)
Sometimes that seperation "leaving" in itself can snap them to reality and to begin a change that deals with the alcoholism and salvation resolution which could and should fix all the issues, so you both are truly walking in Christ (as a new creature). As One in Christ, and in raising your kids to know Him.
You can still remain separated while he conquers alcoholism and still see him and the kids see him in a supervised situation. Never go alone as in always have someone with you [pick someone on your side] and someone "with him and the kids" too if he wants to take them somewhere. It avoid kidnappings and other issues, like him lying to the kids about you. [Get that in writing, when the seperation happens]. Take no chances, but still desire a hopeful reconciliation after he has conquered alcoholism. And have him come to church joining yall there, and be in your lives so he can make right decisions.
If it works out you will have a stronger bond, his love and respect for you increases, he will treasure you, Christ, God and the kids too. If its a situation where this is possible, God can work miracles. The choice to stick it out, even while seperated, might be a blessing in the end.
If it doesnt work out, you tried your best, and you are free to remarry. But when seeking out a Christian, dont assume he is one just cuz he says so or attends Church. You have to make sure, since marriage is for life. Do a good investigation to get the truth about who he is from his pastor, family, friends, coworkers, and ensure he is a mature godly man, who knows Scripture and can be the proper/active spiritual leader in the home. Also make sure you agree on "the most important" secondary beliefs, so you are on the same page - since he will be leading over you & teaching your kids, and that determines the protestant church & denomination you and your kids will go to. You really have to vett him well. Take your time so you dont end up with a false convert or lazy man at home, but an equal team mate who loves & lives for the Lord.
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Footnotes
(1) My sisters 6th grade bff and her mom were murdered by the husband when he caught them packing to leave him, he came home out of the blue that day unexpectedly, and he murdered them. So heed that warning. Plan well. & never be alone with him.
Also, if seperating/leaving, probably best to do something like say your taking the kids to icecream and then go to person A home, have person B give the kids icecream & watch them,
(2) Dont let the kids hear or know in advance... as they might say something - and it puts you all at safety risk.
If you have convos with those who will help you, do so by text (which you delete) or have someone else watch the kids outside at their place, (or they take them for icecream, etc), while you talk inside.
(3) Ensure your pastor is looped in about a separation so he can help guide you to legal services if that is needed due to the kids or his threats,
(4) Dont have any conversations alone with him once you separate. Always have another witness there, save any texts and if possible also have a back pocket phone audio recording going on fpr legal purposes as a help. Keep all of this for in case you need to seek custody should you later end up divorcing. Keep a copy of those things on a usb or sd card kept off site just in case, in a few yrs or several, it is needed if you reconciled and stayed... cuz you never know. It could be a long game trick of his. And you need that to get custody of the kids. If you need to you keep a 2nd or 3rd copy at home as well and delete that with him watching, if thats something he asks you to do 😬. Protect yourself. Never get rid of that info and keep the originals of documents too. It can be destroyed after you die, later on.
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