Husband struggling with sexual thoughts at church & porn/sexual sins

Q: Need godly counsel

My husband is having issues with a girl in our church he gets horrible sexual thoughts about her. All day yesterday he kept thinking about her and I’m trying to be okay about it cause he tells me he doesn’t want to be this way and think these things and it’s better he’s telling me than hiding it but it hurts. 

He does have a porn addiction and possibly a sex addiction; he’s battled for years trying to change... but it’s hard for him it’s really got him bound. He has a very high drive and mines low so that doesn’t help. He’s talked about leaving our church because of this, (but I love our church family and would hate to leave).  Also he stopped going for a month saying he was going to find another church but never did. He says he doesn’t understand it cause he's not drawn to her looks, shes plain/average. I’ve always struggled with a low drive I think from childhood because I was molested. It can be hard cause he has some nasty kinks he wants to talk about in the bedroom, and I’ve tried addressing that I feel there sinful and I don’t like them and he tells me I make sex boring. I’m not sure what to do or how to feel anymore please pray for me and my husband that we can overcome these issues thank you❤️🙏🏻

A: He’s going to obsess about any girl he sees and fancies until he conquers his sins. Changing churches will not help. He needs to address these sins, and honestly examine if he's even saved; get it resolved. It is odd he hasn't sought counsel from godly men at church (without singling out the girl, and sharing its not their wives) about these issues in general, or sought pastoral counseling. It's not something to hide, but bring in the open and get help to conquer it. If he's not seeking help, he will not be guided how to grow in holiness, flee temptation, have accountability partners at church of the brethren, and conquer it. The church is also a place for this as it's shepherds are tasked by God to bring us to maturity in the faith. 

If he wants to flee the temptation to avoid sinning being in the church, then that is a good course since someone in particular is on his mind. You need to help him and departing there would assist that. 

He would best seek the current church's counsel there, kill & have victory over these sins, once and for all with their help, and if need be, move on to another church. If saved, he is the spiritual leader in the home/family and if it is important to separate from there bcuz he is needing a fresh start. You need to submit to that church change. It doesn't mean you can't still be friends with brethren there (merting up outside the church, minus that woman) and still interact on social media with the rest of the brethren there you've bonded with. God might be moving you all on for his benefit and to have you do good works elsewhere. So go if that's the best choice for the whole situation. 

If you can encourage him to get the proper help at current church's, with the resources here and by pro counseling, and conquered it, then once you find a new church... he can be at peace and have a fresh start. 

Him working through this with the current leadership and godly men doesn't mean he needs to be where she is. Sit somewhere at worship where he won't see or encounter her. Go to a diff service than the one she attends. If church has 2 services, go to the other one. If it only has Sunday am and pm, go to pm. His being in men's group, Men's Sunday school group doesn't affect him. She's not there. Like Joseph, fleeing can mean not being where she is. You just need to know who she is, and to not have any women's meet ups, fellowship or Bible studies at your home. To not try to get him to go to church wide events; just avoid those for now. Don't befriend her, dont treat her oddly or badly (shes innocent & clueless), but know who she is, so there's no problems that happen by mistake while helping your husband with these issues. Never let him be alone at church so she mistakenly talks with him (even lightly) since he said such an encounter could lead to possible adultery. Flee together if she somehow is there and heads your way.  

When you do break free from that church and move on to a new one, you can decide if it's right to tell the church at announcements that "you're leaving. That He has been in counseling & conquering inapropriate thoughts about women at the church.  That you both thank the pastor, leaders and godly men who have helped him to beat this sin. We won't talk about it again but wanted you to know. And for his good, your marriage and you both,  you are moving to a new church for a fresh start." This way they'll know why your leaving so they dont pester you and break wounds open later, to say you sought help for holy living, and note that the church rallied around him to help him - so others can do so to. So it's not a bad idea to do that so there's no gossip, and they just let things be. Those whom you are friends with will stay in touch and not bring up the issue. It's a win win. 

In dealing with his sins... If he really wants to conquer these issues, he can benefit from the resources linked here. He can have someone from church go through it with him, or do a group study through these things with those who will be helping him & be dedicated to follow through with it. [*it can be good for all of them]. Having a higher understanding of God, sin, holiness, plus desire to slay it, will be the counseling course. While these here are on actions, thoughts make things sin too, (such as His thoughts about her and of porn), so using this resource will help him get victory over it, grow in self control, and for these sins "to die in his life" so as to not have any kind of draw for him ever again.

Remember... he is not alone, you are not alone. The Soverign God is with you, and  He will call your church shepherds and counselors to come alongside to assist. 

Be a wife who loves her husband and is going to great lengths (as Jesus did for sinners), to assist in proper ways to respect, build him up, counsel, and bless. 

I had heard about "a pastor sharing how he was walking up to preach and one woman in front row start to flirting with him, after that he start having thoughts about this woman; he went home to his bedroom and start praying to God and the thoughts didn’t go away. He left the bedroom crying and told to his wife and ask her to pray over his head and it stops. he said that the desire of the enemy was for him not tell her; he hear the enemy saying for not say anything, but the fact that he said, it lost the power bc it’s not hidden anymore. Another point he brought was the wife has [proper loving & godly] power over the husband body as the husband has to hers too. [We are to help one another not hide things from each other]. He said in that day he really understood this well. And when his wife prayed over his head the thought stopped." Some need way more then that to resolve the problem. We are a team in Christ who help one another in sanctification/holy living. 

You being there, knowing, praying with him, and doing what's needed in varied ways during this, will strengthen you both in faith and marriage. 🥰✨️✝️🙏

I also recommend (fee/free) marriage counseling by professionals, to deal with the home intimacy issues you noted. Things might likely be put back in proper order once the other sin issues are dealt with. He should come out of this with a greater love for you, see you as Scripture says is a treasure, and all the good things Scripture says about a good godly wife.

I commend you for handling it how you have so far, God be with you. ✝️🙏