Adoption issues & obsession with having bio kids is straining our marriage
Q: I could really use some prayers and also advice. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We are 49 (him) and 48 (me). He might be on the autism perspective but not sure if that affects any of this. We struggled with infertility and went through treatments, but I was never able to bring a baby to term. We ended up adopting 3 teenager girls (sisters) through foster care, and to be completely honest, it has been a nightmare. The girls are now 21, 19 and 16. The only one we have a good relationship with is the 16 year old and we are completely estranged from the 19 year old. My husband has always struggled with depression and feeling like he is not close to anyone. I have tried for years to connect with him, but he says he never feels like I try, that I am cold, unemotional, etc. I don't feel like I am, but I am a reserved person. Maybe he is right and I don't show emotions enough, but this is not something that I have ever heard from anyone else in my life. We have not had an intimate relationship in years. In the past he has said it is a physical issue, but now he is telling me it is not a physical issue, it is because he doesn't feel connected to me so mentally he cannot perform.
I found out over Christmas that he was perusing a romantic relationship (he says it was just going to be emotional, but I don't know how it would end up) with a 24 year old married woman who is in an unhappy marriage. He says that he just felt an emotional connection with her. We've been trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces and work things out, and have started marriage counselling. Yesterday, we sat together and talked about things that we needed in order to make our relationship work. Mine were intimacy, feeling desired, not feeling like I'm rejected when I try to reach out and connect with him, etc. His were very similar, but the last one was a bit of a bombshell. He wants more kids. I'm not talking adopting young children. He wants biological babies. That is something I just am unable to do, and to be honest, if I was, I don't think it would be fair to a child to be born to a 50 year old mother. Even if we hired a surrogate, how could I do that to a child?
It seens the only real path is for us to divorce and him to pursue a younger woman. He says having his own children is a driving desire in his life, and at the same time says he loves me and wants to work things out with me. He says that whatever decision we make, whether to stay together or not, he wants us to agree. I'll be honest, I feel like he is wanting me to say "let's divorce so that you are able to do this". I don't know what to do. I don't want to be the source of the greatest regret of his life. And to be honest, sometimes I wonder if my life might be happier and more peaceful not being married to him. Sorry this is so long, it's just a very complicated situation.
A: Its unbiblical for him to have that view and try to force God to give yall something that was a closed door. That is an issue of submitting to God he has to deal with and surrender to. He's being derelict in his role as a husband and creating a problem by focusing on it to where it and anything else has become a deeper sin. He has to conquer that to be the godly husband and leader of the home. Loving you as Christ loved the church and going the way of God's will not his own.
I can say if some of his issue is mental due to the corruption of the Fall where his autism is messing things up so he can't think rightly, there may be valid medical problems as to why he thinks that way. Not as an excuse, but as something legit broken. Added to the fact that he had hopes for his own kids with you, and it not happening lead him to not trust God over his life, but try to get his way, lead to disappointment and depression. If true, the depression part needs dealing with biblically, but the other issue will need care, patience and grace, since it might be a error. It may be changed with the right mindset or not, professionals will know and guide on that. You can do so in conjunction with biblical counselors.
Its good you are in counseling, i do hope it's biblical counselors, because they address sin and can't help guide him to a proper biblical mindset, and to fix and restore his marriage. He's made a mess but God can restore.
Some helps for him:
For You:
Resources for the married (scroll)
God likely has other areas he wants you both to go towards, even if its leading youth at church, but because of his sin and rebellion, God can't or wont move you all to that until he's walking rightly.
Do not divirce him....If he initiates & chooses to divorce you and move on, ok. Just thank God for every good thing & blessing during that marriage, and for what lays ahead. Also train up the 16 year old well in the Lord. Help ensure shes directed to find a mature godly man to marry, and how to vet him. Have them have tough convos and questions to ensure they're on the same page, and any what ifs (like your situation) how they'll handle it to stay following God.
As to the other ones, it mustve been hard on your husband, and wished to have your own babies; which is understandable. A lot of men don't even want kids, so he's amazing that he even went this far for these teens, commendable. Perhaps God just put them in your lives for a short term positive for them. Not everything has to stay intact. Maybe the estranged one will come to their senses and return to you, (and get saved). It is really hard dealing with foster teens since theve gone through a lot of mess, & you didnt have them their whole life to pour yourself into them long term. Some just use foster parents and leave afterwards. If theyre adopted they may one day come home like the prodigal. God is in the salvation and restoration business. Pray for them like anyone else.
Hold out hope in all things, and go where God leads you 🫂✨️✝️
Ps. I had some friends (who tried to have kids for years and never happened), they first wanted to adopt about 10 yrs ago, around your age. They went to a Christian foster place (with liberal state laws attached 😬), and spent 2 years going thru everything, finally got approved. Were looking for infants or toddlers, to go towards adoption, due to adoptive costs.
They wanted to raise kids in Christ. We were part of many of their convos and updates, as close friends, at one point he thought moving towards pastor, which meant 3 yrs in seminary. And they got involved in a church plant. That ended after 3 yrs. They ended up with a big dog as a puppy, and their time was focused at church and the dog and family.
Her brothers married women, one foreign who was brought here, and she over the years had problems. They had 2 kids and she didn't want either of them. Marriage and kids were their culture. Our friends actively encouraged them all towards Christ, the brothers eventaslly went to church. She tried leading SIL towards Christ, but had pushback and eventually just sorta went with it, but didn't really want it. But the kids were in church. Several marital issues arose the next couple yrs w the SIL and they rallied to the family. Her brothers (the husband) even moved them out of state (nearby) for a good paying job, and into a church.
The kids went to public school and my friends would call and then travel to see them. Prior to the move they all went to my friends house for holidays every year; hospitality. Her husband prayed and there was Christian focus. They modeled it for the kids, older relative youth and unsaved family. It was a large family, her side, (who all immigrated in late 90s 2000 and had kids here). Her husband had no living family by now. We were there at several holidays as it was just us after my grandpa died, as our extended family holidays gatherings evaporated.
But the SIL after moved away was doing weird stuff, not wanting them around the kids, and neglecting hers, etc. So they'd travel to go visit and try to be in their lives. They were getting foster calls around that time, but it wasn't ones in the range they wanted, and others that were drugged kids, issues too big to handle. So it never went anywhere. After prayer, they decided to back out of adoption and focus on ministering to their brothers families and kids. Best decision ever!
Close to that time the SIL had wanted a divorce, moved next door then ran off with some guy to 8 states away, left the kids too. So he's out of state, single dad now and needed help. They have $, so they traveled there regularly, a week or two at a time, took them to Christian grand canyon tours and stuff like that, when time. Helping train them up in Christ. I would goion mini shopping trips w my friend 🤭😁 to get gifts & diy ones for the kids, and they really just poured their lives into them.
This summer they were here a month, all 5 kids, and she had thr whole thing planned out. They wotk from himd so that gsve mote flexibility. They went to eat, see sites, sent to Christian camp, did fun activities, went to vbs @ and to our big church. They had a great time. The kids had been through a lot for 9 to 11 year olds the last few years. They're entering teens now and they are loved. I know my friends ministry to them was the path God wanted them on. Everything had to align though. And the parenting classes they went through were a helpful bonus. Timing matters.
Empty nesting doesn't mean you can't be used by God at church in various ways to serve Him and others. And if divorced it doesn't mean you have to minister to kids.
Trust God, everything is in his timing, no matter what ends up going on. Let him lead, and be content. 😊
God bless
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