Dealing with a demanding neighbor and getting worn out

Q: have a neighbor who’s become more like family over the last year and a half. She is disabled. And in her 60’s. She’s had it rough, & you can tell. Very hard to get along with and rough around the edges. We’ve had our disputes and gotten over them rather quickly. No biggie. But I am beginning to get very frustrated with her. I'm not sure if it's her attitude or mine, or both. 

She is a chain smoker, and sends me to the store nearly every night to buy her coke and 5 packs of cigarettes. Her alternator is currently out in her vehicle, so she depends on us to get things for her. My husband gets up at 4 am and leaves with our only vehicle and does not return home until nearly 8 pm every night. It gets extremely hectic when I have to rush out of the door the second he gets home & tend to her every need. She asked him to fix her alternator and he could not do it because he had to work two weekends in a row because of the snow storm and holidays (he’s a truck driver). She insisted that he do it immediately and not wait until the next weekend that he was off. I feel a sense of entitlement. 

Last night, I went to the store for her and got her cigarettes and cokes. They accidentally rang her coke up twice, so she paid $6 for two 2 liters instead of $3.00 for the one. She didnt tell me this until I was already in my gown and getting my children tucked in. I told her to send me a picture of the receipt so that I can call them and explain and possibly get another coke the next time I and up there (I am regular and they know me well, so they would’ve known who I was and would’ve been able to pull up the transaction). We had sends messages and is arguing with me. I call the store but cannot get an answer. I offer to help by addressing it when I go up there next. That was not good enough for her. So I end up telling her that I’ve done all I can do to help. Our van just got out of the shop, and because of the weather, the registration office hasn’t been open, so we haven’t gotten it regististered yet, so I am taking a chance on getting a ticket just to go to the store for her.

Well today, while my son is at her house doing some chores for her, she tells him that I charged her $6 for a coke and that I thought she expected me to go up there and cuss out the ladies at the dollar store where the coke was purchased. He is 12 years old… and I do not feel like that is appropriate. He said she was saying all of this in a negative, argumentative tone. She has talked to my 3 older children before about things that are absolutely unnecessary. Accusing them of being high and drunk (they were 8,9 &11 at the time) because they were being silly and playing in the front yard. I am just fed up. 

But here’s my question: What is the BIBLICAL thing to do? I cannot trust her to respect boundaries that I have set for my children. She smokes like a freight train while my son is in her house for 20+ minutes at a time (I did not know this until recently). I want so badly to tell her that we cannot help anymore, it’s wearing me thin. I have 5 children, 5 pets and a large home to care for. But I also feel as if that’s being bitter and totally unreasonable. I will accept all advice and wisdom. But I’d really prefer it be based on scripture alone. The stress this causes is insane. If I am wrong, and keeping it going, I will accept that. I felt as if she is not understanding what I am saying. 

Some scriptures running through my mind are “bless those who persecute you and do good to those that mistreat you.” And that keeps me battling. Also, the scriptures on forgiveness and “not growing weary of doing good”. I feel like I’m in between it all, and need godly advice.

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A: I have suggestion and sort of exhortation or guidance too, and offers of consideration, as well as some resources to guide. 

It looks like after she said she had the receipt, you could've just said "ok thanks I'll come over tomorrow when I have some free time to get it and take care of it for you." And left it at that....

Instead you went on a sort of rant. And there's a few other times in the texting that were like that, and that later caused more further issue. Which may have damaged your witness. Of course convos in person (as I will note below) would show your caring tone, as texts can cause big misunderstandings. The one that sorta had the ball rolling was around your son text section. Instead of accusing her, you should've either left it alone, having talked with your son on the issue, or if necessary [is it a hill to die on?] clarified with her "I heard something from Joe when he got home, that might not have been accurate, could you tell me what was said regarding the coke cost?" and let her say it, so you can know her side. Even if she lied cuz she gossiped false info with him, you could say, "OK thanks. If something is an issue let's discuss it among the adults and not the kids, so there isn't any misunderstandings or hurt feelings. Also Joe smelled smoke/was there when you were smoking, I dont want him to get health problems from second hand smoke, so if he's there and leaves its due to the smoke. I told him he can leave and come back at another time." Then make sure to teach him about sinful behaviors and vices and why Christians do not do these things, and that we shouldn't enable them by being around it. or he will think it's condoned. Tell him you shouldve handled her better over those purchases and found a way to just help with necessity groceries instead. Moms fail sometimes too in trying to be nice but we do need boundaries. And you expect him to be that way with his friends too. If you dont know how to say something, you can come to me and get suggestions, judgment free. Noting Hindsight is good for reflection & lessons learned, but it's better to deal with it well the first time. Even if it means losing friends or them being upset at you. Doing the right thing is the way to go. 

For you mom, hindsight is also good for reflection & lessons learned. When you see her tell her your "sorry as we both made assumptions and shouldn't do that since its hard to read a tone over texting, and that you'll be a bit more careful so it doesnt ruin our neighborliness. If something is important to discuss it's best by phone or in person and on my part I will strive to do it in a godly loving way." 

That way it refuses and outs that issue in the past, you can salvage your witness if she internally feels hurt and that you were in the wrong. Even if you were, it's squashed and there's good communication. 

Hope that makes sense cuz a unnecessary text message can give off "annoyed" vibes and continue to cause problems. Even if not the intention.

Hope that helps 😊✨️

Suggestions:

1. Have you shared Christ, your testimony or the Gospel with her? And how has she recieved it. While we are to love our neighbors and enemies, we also need to dust our feet off too. Idk how long you've been blessing her and trying to show Christlikeness, but maybe she's trying to pushing buttons to see if she can trust you, out walks down, or just waiting to falsely cry hypocrite if you don't behave perfect as she thinks Christians are. 

You could sort of out that in a convo with her, and say that "Nancy you know/might not know I am Christian and want to bless you how I can, but that I also have responsibilities of a family to care for and sometimes some of the things you is insistent on are not at times that are convenient my your husband or interrupting while taking care of the kids, or we are just getting into bed. But know I want to be Christlike towards you, and care about you, but there is a reasonableness needed, and so I won't be able to run over at times in the future, it might be something gets delayed or that I just cant do, so I hope you'll be gracious and understanding if that happens. I also realized we never asked you to come church with us, but I do want to share Christianity with you and more of the love of God. Do you have a religious background? Has anyone ever explained the Gospel to you before in a way that is really clear? If not I have a short video that would be good on that, and any questions you have, I would be happy to answer or find the answer for." Show her needGod.com. 

She doesn't need to and it's best not to bring her to church until she gets saved, since church is supposed to be for the Redeemed. Our eternal family and community. Not peppered with the unsaved. [Yes I know many unsaved are there or go with a saved spouse, but the general way is salvation then addition to the local church for discipleship and baptism, for believers].

If you need resources to answer her objections or faq this can help. https://longertweets.blogspot.com/2022/04/atheist-topic-faq.html

And if she might have or starting in dementia you would want to fast track that gospel convo. Perchance God will save her.

I know of someone in a type of ministry where they deal with user type people CONSTANTLY. Not sure thats your overall situation with her, but might be connected, so sharing this in case. One example: my old next door neighbour was a diabetic and lost a leg. She smoked like crazy and had her nightly diet Pepsi. She would often ask to borrow money from me and would tell me she loved me when our relationship was going well and use that against me when it wasn't. It sounds like a very similar situation!

Here's some advice & some verses: 

- She genuinely just might need temporary help, but it is highly possible she's using you. If so & you continue to let her use you, there is a sense of entitlement and as a Christian it will make it very hard to get through to her. I would say to limit contact with her for a while. It shows that the actions and words they've said are not okay and you arn't going to take it. 

- she needs to know you'll stand your ground. Respect goes both ways and if she doesn't respect you, then how is she going to respect your life style, your beliefs, or what you say to her? 

- she is starting to become a dependent. When people go from friend to dependant, it isn't healthy for you or your family. Your family is your ministry first. 

Proverbs 18:3 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

Proverbs 29:9 If a wise man has an argument with a fool, the fool only rages and laughs, and there is no quiet.

Proverbs 26:4 Don't answer the foolish arguments of fools, or you will become as foolish as they are.

In ministry, it's hard to see who is "worth" your time and who is not. That sounds bad, but when you think about it, is my effort better put into someone who is wanting to understand or someone who is using me for their selfish purposes? 

Of course helping someone can be beneficial, but helping them in life giving ways. God, food, shelter, and water are the bare essentials. Smokes and pop are not life giving nor do they start the creation of good habits. When we look after people, we have to do it in a way that shows we genuinely care for them and that includes their health.

With the lady I mentioned above, there was no respect in our relationship until I started to tell her no but in loving ways. She got mad with me. She blocked me and unblocked me. She ranted to all the neighbors, but I stood my ground. Only in the last while has there been a respect and because of that, she's willing to listen to what I have to say!

Take it as you will! But this has been both my experience and training 🥰 praying for you as this could be a tough situation.

As to your family, As a Christian mom and wife, your first Biblical duties are to your family. You are to be that Christian example of how to take care of your bodily temple too, to your kids and neighbors. And how to deal with things in a stable godly state. 

Boundaries are not just for our own kids, they are for everyone in our lives. When they are crossed, you might draw back. How many times did Jesus go alone to pray to God? He did so to get away from the stresses of life, and to stay fully connected to His Father thru prayer and fasting. If you are stressing yourself out from assumptions or constant negativity, it isnt good for your health, but need to think rightly about these issues and cover it in prayer so you can live in peace. Dont constantly allow yourself to be in knots & to nightly be at her beck and call, it's not good for your physical health, your spiritual health, or your health & relationship with your family. It hurts it, and is very harmful. 

In addition, I do think you need to have a discussion with your husband to update and ease him since this has affected your marriage. Simply let him know you prayed on it, sought Scripture and counsel and are going to take a better approach with the neighbor, and that includes boundaries. Let him know you will talk with her soon & wont be jumping through hoops and doing things at inconvenient times anymore. If it's not an actual emergency, everything can wait until appropriate times, and you're helping her install instacart so she can have things delivered to her. 

I am pretty sure she wants her independence so when her car is fixed, most of these things won't be issues anymore, and we can be kindly neighbors without much stress.

Let God use this as a refining time for your sanctification growth, and make changes you need to on your personal end, for your betterment and to be better useful to God in the future, and not look at things hyper emotionally driven. Your emotions may have got the best of you but we can all grow.

Resources to bless

Believers mindset

https://longertweets.blogspot.com/2023/07/resources-believer-right-mindset.html

You can find self counseling here for stress, emotions, anxiety, etc here

https://snsanswers.blogspot.com/2023/01/transformed-counseling.html?m=1

God bless