Parent advice from an godly old man *

A few days ago I turned 84 years old. 

I became a Christian when I was in college at the age of 19, so that means I’ve been a Christian about 65 years. I’ve seen a lot in that time span. 

When I woke up this morning (much earlier than I would have liked) I began to think about all the Christian parents I have known during those 65 years who were vastly disappointed in the way their children turned out. I’m not talking about half-hearted Christian parents, but devoted Christian parents who took their parenting very seriously.

Naturally, the question that arose in my mind was why. Why did all those good intentions fail so utterly? In several cases I was so close to those parents that I was greatly distressed at what happened. 

The next thing that came to my mind was all the serious young Christian parents that are now setting out in their parenting career. Some of these are my grandchildren. Will they come to the same grief with their children?

Why does this tragedy get replayed so often? After much reflection (and I’ve been mulling the question over for many years) I have an opinion that I think is worth sharing.

The first reason (and I think it is way out front in importance) is an incorrect concept of authority. The parent has authority over his/her children. That is a clear biblical principle. God has authority over all Christians. That also is a clear biblical principle. But, there is a huge difference between God’s authority over us, and our authority over our children. God is always right. His laws and principles are absolutely true. Well meaning Christian parents are not always right, and the rules they lay down are not always absolutely true.

So, the big mistake I have seen Christian parents make in regard to authority is to think that their own authority over their children must be maintained as if it were God’s authority. [And here I need to interject that I am not unaware of the truth that the parent’s authority over his/her child is established by God. Accordingly, one might argue that such parental authority is as absolute as God’s authority over us. In a very real sense that is true. The parental command to “Go brush your teeth” has real authority for the child, and can become a point of rebellion against the word of the parent, just like Proverbs 23:13-14 is often a point of rebellion by Christian parents against the word of God.] But, the rules laid down by parents are not the same as the rules laid down by God, and the interaction between parent and child is not the same as our interaction with God. God’s rules are perfect, our rules are often petty and flawed.

And, here is where I will likely be misunderstood. I’m not advocating that parents be all loosey-goosey, and not care whether their commands are obeyed. I’m instead advocating that parents exercise great humility before their children, attempt to make their rules few and well grounded, and admit to their children when they have been wrong. As a reason, “because I said so,” can be defended on the basis of the authority God has given to parents. But, when one thinks of God’s rules as an analogy, one quickly realizes that God’s rules display a reasonable perfection that accords with the way things are in God’s universe. Sometimes the reason parents give has to be “because I said so.” Hopefully it will not be said flippantly, and hopefully it will not be said often.

What should be avoided is the authoritarian home where the dictates of the parents are never questioned. Instead, there must be a Christian home where the parents seek diligently to possess the fruit of the Holy Spirit relative to their children and toward each other: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. And, that fundamental Christian duty of repentance for sin, and a request for forgiveness, must never be neglected by the Christian parent. You will sin against your children. If your concept of parental authority prevents you from asking your child to forgive you, then your concept of parental authority is wrong.

And, this opens the door to the second problem that often leads to parental grief — a lack of fellowship with one’s children. In a very basic way your children are your equals. They are humans made in the image of God. Of course, that equality is not modern egalitarianism. Practically speaking they start out very unequal, and their road toward actual equality is slow and uneven. But, never forget that basic equality. Have fellowship and fun with your children. They are magnificent creatures of God. It is your privilege to watch them grow and develope, and to have a part in that growth and development. Don't neglect human interaction with your children. But, remember — if you don’t respect them, and give them freedom, they are unlikely to want to interact with you.

The third problem that leads to parental grief is a lack of apologetics. Fortunately we live in a time when Christian apologetics is flourishing. But often, serious Christian parents substitute fear for apologetics. What do I mean by that? I mean that any questions that have a skeptical flavor are greeted with fear, and discussion is shut down with an appeal to authority. But, the Christian parent has nothing to fear. All the skeptical questions have glorious answers. If you are not able to answer them then engage the help of someone in your church who is. Or better yet, read some good books on apologetics yourself, and answer the questions yourself. Remember, a perfectly acceptable answer is: “I don’t know, but I will try to find out.”

The fourth problem that leads to parental grief is the wrong kind of corporal punishment. Abusive corporal punishment as an adjunct to an authoritarian home is contrary to the whole spirit of Christianity. “. . . the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” James 1:20. On the other hand, a few swats on the rear inevitably involves the parent in provoking the child to anger, and that is prohibited by Colossians 3:21. The frequent admonitions in Proverbs for parents to use corporal punishment are connected with parental love. So, avoid a few swats that merely provoke anger, and avoid punishment grounded in anger. Corporal punishment should be done in a controlled, orderly fashion, and should produce submission to parental authority. On the other hand it should not be a cold mechanical operation. The child should see real grief by the parent, and prayer and repentance should be encouraged at its conclusion. I firmly believe that without biblical corporal punishment to produce and maintain basic peace and order, all of the other required aspects of biblical parenting become, practically speaking, impossible. Whiny bratiness and chaos should never characterize the Christian home.

George Whitten, 2025

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