Emotionally & verbally abusive stepdad guidance
Q: I’m at a loss as to what to do about the situation with my mom and stepdad. My step dad is verbally and emotionally abusive towards my mom. They have been married for 14 years. I have witnessed it happen, and every time I want to speak up about it, but I freeze. I can’t talk, I feel like crying right then and there.
I have repeatedly told my mom that is not the way a husband should treat a wife. But her excuse is always “well he doesn’t physically or sexually abuse me like your dad did” and I always tell her, “still doesn’t mean it’s right” I have been really praying for her and my step dad. My step dad and mom are Christian’s and go to church and pray.
I’m really close with my step family, my step grandma and I are besties. My step grandpa still calls me “Dave’s wife’s daughter”, (I changed my step dad’s name for privacy).
My mom has a full time job, but he doesn't let her/not allowed - to use her money towards things she wants. She has to ask him permission if she needs new clothes. Or needs to get her hair colored. She is going grey, and my step dad doesn’t like that, so she gets it colored. But he complains when it’s $200 to get it done every other month.
My mom and I go to the same hair stylist, and I had an appointment yesterday. The hair stylist let me know that my mom butt-dialed her a few weeks ago, and it sounded like my step dad was berating her to make dinner. That was the last straw, when my hairstylist told me that.
Maybe I’m just being overprotective of my mom, because we have both experienced the abuse of my dad, but I’m at a loss as to what to do from here.
A: If he doesnt act verbal and emotional abusive in public, but does behave badly at home, hes not saved. He might behave badly in general in public that way like eating out or in stores, but not around those he wants to impress or have his image look good, like someone he sees as authoritative above him or as mentor like. Basically if he's living a diff life in secret but in the open with family, he's not saved. Who he is inside is not consistently presenting (behaving) godly, in a basic sense.
If they go to church and he "professes" to be saved, I have some advice, to go to his pastor and get counsel on how you can "react or deal with" this in general & when it arises. Find out 1. how the church handles Matt 18 discipline, (and if its not your church, ask how it is best initiated within the congregation, since you arent a member there). And to 2. get counsel on how you are to be thinking and forward moving from the past from your own experiences as well as 3. how to handle it now when you see it (around you/happening to your mom). And 4. What role the church needs to play in this, alongside you, and how it will actively do so to see it to the end.
It sounds like [in either case] no one ever taught him or had him/the men there go through a married or husbandry class, cuz that behavior isnt ok. He couldve gleened some "guidance" at least, to impliment as husband, as theres many "moral" yet unsaved men who dont verbally and emotionally abuse their wives and are decent husbands. *Of course we don't want him to just be an unsaved moralist, we do want him to be actually saved and totally trelansformed. But the point is, many people can improve and live a certian way without being abusive. So such classes, books, etc can guide people to be decent, but only if they go through it and really want to benefit from it.
Also women aren't the only ones to run the home, he can and should be a sacrificial servant to her in love and help out. He shouldn't complain either as that's sin. And demandations are not love. He likely hasn't been in any studies that go through sins nor counseling to help him conquer those sins. It might be best if it's addressed by the men in church than come from you at first, even if you do a family intervention with the pastor. Coming alongside afterwards might be ok depending on how your relationship is. Cuz you dont want it to explode even if you had good intentions. It could cause long term damage and cause a worse relationship - especially as a step daughter.
Verbal and emotional abuse does many varied harm to her, and his controlling ways are wrong and need addressing, even with the money issue. If theyre poor there's a budget and allowance, if theres money there's a budget and an allowance. He should be happy to bless her with money for her own free use, not begrudge it. He might have a sin issue about money that also needs addressing, so he's trusting God to provide [if/when he is a believer]. She does reasonably need to submit to him, in areas not spiritually related. This explains what I mean.
Have you ever noticed if he has grown in holiness, more and more since he married or "professed" Christ? If not, then there's something wrong, and needs a mature man from church that he respects to address it; a come to Jesus "Gospel" convo of self examination, cuz he might be a false convert.
If you see him living godly, maybe is new, weak or slow growing - It might be that he just needs godly men educationg him, and help him conquer sins in those areas. He needs the church and to be actively there.
As for your recovery, remember to think Christlike/godly. Sinners sin and for the unsaved, its all they know. We believers have sinned horribly towards God prior to our conversion and still mess up since saved too. We aren't perfect, but those trapped in their sin nature don't know better. So if he's not saved, or a false convert who needs God's transforming hand (at true salvation), then youll all need to [you the pastor, godly men from church, and if compelled herself - include your mom] focus on helping him understand the Gospel. Maybe a Salvation intervention to call him to examine his life since he's not treating her with Christlike loving behavior, and that reflects an inner person problem. He needs to get right with God. Maybe it's the church doing a mens group deep study on husbandry, and from there a spin off marrieds course for both couples, under the pastor's leading.
Here are things to examine and help in this situation. The second one can be offered to him, probably best done through the pastor or godly men he respects "or warms up to", to conquer the sin of anger. It may help stop or lessen his verbal and abusive behavior hes projected onto others. His problem is an inner problem. But it depend if he's saved or not how it will be recieved or help him. If saved it will deff help him grow in holiness.
Ps. I'm not skipping the stepdaughter comment. I also am a stepdaughter, (since 3 yrs old), and when their daughter came along, I was seen as more baggage than before. Was tossed out the day of high school graduation, so I understand what it's like, (esp when a mother ignores you and only focuses on him, his kids, and their daughter). Idk if your upbringing with the step parent happened later in life or if he's decent to you, but mine was abusive in many ways. Then, I learned in my late 30s more about his parents & home life (his mom died when henwas young, and father was unliving & strict and a bit mean. He only had one plush sock monkey and one hand made widdled wooden truck for toys). He married another woman who had kids, step grand' tolerated me, but only a few times as a young kid (while they were still alive) were there problems with him towards me (strictly mean like verbslly). The wife rolled with whatever, so my stepdad had a stepmom but she apparently wasn't nice to my step dad. So add that in fact that his dad was strict and mean, it didnt give my stepdad much of a example for when he was a father. They went to a Methodist church growing up. I went there a few times as a young kid, but idk if his dad was a true believer, maybe. He never talked about God that I recall. I don't remember going to that church much, as I was usually [99.9%] dumped on the weekends at my mom's godly parents. I don't know if my stepdad had any church attendance at his dad's church often or not at all. After I was 10, since we lived in the boonies, and it cost gas to get to their town. But every major holiday, and birthday of my mom's parents we were all there visiting (the next town over from his parents), where he/we all always attended church, the entire extended family; it was expected. So he heard and learned whatever was there. [*Incl. Sunday school, which he did also go to Sunday school at the church we started going to when we moved far away to when I was almost done with school. So he did learn the Bible from there, but most small churches don't have husbandry or marrieds classes or fellowship groups where they can learn those things].
Stepdad had 2 little boys age 2 and 3 dumped abandoned on him in a truck (by his later ex wife when she left him). So he likely has bitterness, anger, resentment in his young adult life, leading to how he treated my mom and also me, and continued to treat me even after he improved around my mom (while I lived there).
After my step grandad died [when I was a young pre-teen]... his wife said I "was his favorite grand child". I never believed it when she said that. I was actually surprised she said it. My half sister was like 5 or so. Step Grand's other son had 2 kids about my age when we were mostly around them. Im not bioogically theirs so it made no sense, (for him to apparently say that), plus my step dad never cared about me or treated me good. I'm still baffled by why she said that, to this day. We were hardly ever around them, and mostly there at end of year holidays, and only for a couple hours.
In working to have a relationship with my mom and step dad after the military, I was mistreated a lot, ignored, acted as if I was invisible at relatives home, and just put up with my existence at other times. Eventually there were some good times making me feel a sense of progress, even seemingly nice when my husband was around, but when he wasnt, it was back to ignoring me, not interacting with me, verbally negative or rude by my step dad, attacks on me out of the blue by him and his daughter on vacations when husband wasnt there, snd led me to feel he's not being loving to me, any sayings of l"ove you" As we left to go home felt fake, but never said wgen I visited alone and left. Its only when husband was with me. It breaks my heart this is going on after he claims to have got saved (when his daughter was in high school), as it's been this way nearing 50 years now. Just gotta take the wins or positive like moments when they come, and look firward to eternity where, if saved, well live in perfect relation, rightly as designed to.
Anyway, we all are in mixed up situations because of sin and fallen nature of man, kids in mixed or blended families have a lot to deal with if it's not loving environment. But God allowed it and it has shaped us and helped us go through life dealing better with and being stronger for when life problems or other suffering/ troubles arise as adults.
Some step grand parents will make a distinction, others will just see you as a kid of the family. Since your stepdad never corrected his father, it sounds like he has negative stepdad vibes, and had never corrected himself and loved you rightly in his role as father of the kids in the home, even if you are the only one. That also leads me to believe he's likely not saved. If he loves God he will love his wife, if he loves his wife, he will love all the children, and it will show by his behavior, words and deeds. If truly saved he would progress in those areas (in time or immediately) to clearly show Fruit of God's transformation in the inner man. It can't help but outflow from his new heart.
As noted, my stepdad is said to have gotten saved after I left home, I didn't get a hint of that impression till long after I reestablish a relationship of sorts,...and years later; it still feels one sided. From the start of my attempts to be in/reenter that family he was cold, ignoring of me, not engaging. It took years for even a crack to form. So to me that doesnt show the heart of or fruit of someone saved; cuz theyre totally transfomed. But he appears religious or Christian cuz he reads the Bible daily, as does mom, and he goes to church [well they did, till the church closed at the end of Covid era. Theres no Christian church in that area now, nowhere they can reasonably drive to for even an hour; not good for those almost elderly to drive such distances either]. He really hasn't changed much from what I've seen over last 25 years, maybe a tiny bit here or there; but that could be moralism or just getting elder, idk. But he really doesn't talk much to me at all, and nothing I ever hear even has substance. They never call or visit me either, yet when his daughter visits he lights up and is a whole diff person. Always negative towards me, or/and as if I'm invisible. I don't know his thoughts, maybe they changed some, but there's not a embracing towards me that seems genuine. He also comes from a small church, where they lived at for over 25 years, that hasn't had any true pastors or leadership in over a decade, and it was very disfunctional. So I have to give him slack and also just be Christlike and forgiving anyway at all times. In '23 (haven't seen them for a year, due to a family problem that needs addressing, and a health & physical issue of mine), one day while visiting, on the way inside, out of the blue, mom noted their daughter is unreliable but had a big positive view of me saying I'm the only one who helps a lot & they can rely on. So they seemed to have a convo about me, but maybe it was concern over needing help in elderly years and keeping me around to use me, idk. I have incurable cancer so we all might be leaving earth at the same time, or I'll go before them. Just gotta keep being gracious & hopeful.
The comfort I have and hope and promise Scripture offers [to all of us] is that 1. Life here is temporary and short. [Its true, I'm 50 now but still feel like 25 was a couple yrs ago]. What im saying is we arent stuck eternally in this mess/struggle, it has an end, and 2. In eternity we will be perfect, holy, righteous and not a hint of our fallen old sinful nature will be there, thus our relationships will be perfect - always. All will be as they should be. So we will always be loving, caring, etc.... and eternity never ends. So for our short time on earth... is like a single drip in an ocean of our existence, if we keep it in true perspective. Also till then, God is always with us and helps us walk through the hard times, Jesus even said he will never leave or forsake us. The Father works out all things and allows or directs them because he has a purpose for it in our life, and the Holy Spirit indwells us, and guides us. God is wonderful and because his character, nature, attributes are good, He is trustworthy. So we can hold to this knowing it's true and will happen.
Its possible your mom shrugs off your stepdads behavior because either she knows he's unsaved or a weak believer, or worse , and in either case is giving and showing grace. Forgiving, loving, and being the Christlike light in the home. Knowing also we are fallen, make mistakes, etc, she's chosen to respond rightly on her end, plus knows people treated Jesus wrongly & unsaved people today will also treat believers that way. Perhaps it's that. She (as the wife) is submitting in non faith related areas cuz its no big deal in the long run, but firmly still lives out her faith, as she knows how.
However, she really should've brought this issue to her pastor for marriage counseling. If that never happened, it's likely cuz hes not saved, or refused to go. Self righteous prideful people are like that, they don't want help nor their wrong doings exposed. They want it to remain behind closed doors at home where [as husband] he has power and reign & control. He thinks it stays hidden or "in the family". But it needs to be exposed to the light, so he's confronted in truth and is called to correction. [Without it, there's less chances for Gospel convos to call him to it, so hes transformed].
If he's isn't saved, my suggestion is to have some folk from her church come over for a fellowship a couple times, when he's home. But it only works if mom is on board with it/the plan. They need to know the problem and the plan to impliment, be wise, and be onboard to be in it to end goal. Have women there but at least 2 godly mature men too. They're the focal point. Ones whom the pastor pointed out to you who are solid in sharing the Gospel and know the Bible, are married and leading a home in godly leadership. That way on the 2nd visit, they can get a bit more chummy with him, and probe his salvation and openness to or get answers about Christianity. So they can share the Gospel, plant seeds, and [God willing he gets saved] start discipling him in the mens group, building a solid friendship, and teaching him how to be a godly loving husband and father.
Even if your an adult, once saved, he should still be godly and loving to you too. And when he matures in the faith, he can also offer light counsel guidance (when you ask) which you can consider prayerfully, in any situations. Remembering that just like when someone becomes a parent, they don't perfectly instantly know everything and live out perfect parenthood, similarly as a believer (especially a baby one) they'll still stumble and mess up, but they'll grow. And we show grace. So he will be growing in how he behaves and talks, having a desire to be loving and godly to his wife, to you kids, to brethren, to the neighbors, to his coworkers and boss, and to everyone. It naturally flows out of the heart of a believer, but we still need to grow in it, and that's where Scripture and the Holy Spirit come in; as a teacher and guide. And likewise the leaders, teachers and Pastors at the church also, as well as the mature congregants when talking and getting counsel. God has given us all of this, to help plus grow, live holy, and be Christlike.
So, how you will handle this particular issue, depends on the above. If hes professing to be saved, his salvation needs to be probed, and he needs to be called to correction & holy living, or if he's not saved and the way to deal with it needs to be getting the Gospel to him, watering it, to the point where it converts him - and he starts going the path of righteousness. Where he can be discipled and everything in his life radically changes. *From start remember to saturate it in prayer, and get help from others.
No guarantee he will be saved, but we need to put in the effort anyway, as we are called to proclaim the Gospel to all mankind, and should desire those in our own family and lives to be saved. We would put extra efforts into reaching them, and the church should come alongside to help us do that. Thus we can rejoice together and glorify God when one comes to true salvation.
Hope this helps.
God bless
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