Friend Conflict has us avoiding each other at church & harms the kids friendships
Q: How to get over a toxic friend who deeply hurt me with what she said? We were wonderful, supportive friends for many years, but one day she said that my husband and I were not true Christians because we let our child listen to certain music. But at the same time it was ok for her adult children to gamble in a casino. Our teen boys are still great friends and see each other at events, church events, youth group. I always avoid running into her now. And yes, I have mentioned in a letter to her how I feel and that she hurt me. I just cant get over the friendship and I know it will never be the same as it used to be. How do I let her go?
A: Watch this Healing our Hurts and know, maybe all is not lost.
The issue is Christian liberty. But also there's need for forgiveness and reconciliation. Neither of you can participate in the Lord's Supper with the church until it is resolved.
Heres some helps:
We are united in Essentials. Thus as long as you both believe in the essentials then you're saved. So [the area of argument] it's actually just a matter of maturity in the faith and understanding Christian liberty.
Review the Essentials here. These are what someone believes (and is tied to the Gospel) for knowing if someone is saved.
Understand Secondary Matters, and areas tied to Christian Liberty
If shes open, I would have a conversation around "I want to fix the conflict we have, and seek to restore fellowship. Since believers hold to the essentials, 🧐looking at these essentials (together) 📃🙂, ... I believe these, do you?" If yes then note " then we are Christian, and simply there's something called Christian Liberty and also in time we can mature in the faith on other areas not of Essentials. We learn and grow and get convicted of things as we progress in our Christian walk. If you believe I am living unrepentant of some sin or if I think you also are, then you come to me to discuss it to its resolution, not avoid me. We should have the leaders at church educate us both in counsel on these matter, so we both understand, can repent, be reconciled, and restored ."
I would definitely seek an intermediary among the leaders, perhaps a from mature decon or get counsel from the Pastor, since your both at the same church. Let God use it to prune you both, to help you grow 😊✨️. You could also just bring that above up during a pastoral counseling session for conflict resolution.
Remember in Matthew 18:21-22: "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. But note you can forgive even if she doesn't ask forgiveness. It's simply a heart matter. Letting things go, forgiving, and leaving it on her end to respond godly at some point, or leave it between her and God.
Remember that we can’t control what someone else says or does but we CAN control how we respond and how we let it affect us.
Proverbs 19:11: "Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense”.
In fact the Bible tells us to control our own feelings by controlling our thoughts.
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.
Also I would urge you to remember that we are in a spiritual battle. Ephesians 6:12
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
And John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full”.
The enemy uses people, circumstances and even our own feelings to lie to us to distract us from Gods purpose and plan, and our own sinful pride also prevents reconcilliation.
Satan and your flesh will do anything to keep you from killing your sins, living for the Lord, sharing His truth, and living a life of victory in Jesus.
Here are other resources that can help:
*Also see love & Forgiveness, Conflict Resolution and books there. As well as advice on if/when to cut someone out of your life.
Review and Meditate on these things, go in prayer, and then go to your Pastor to help.
If your both counseled, and she's in sin, refusing to repent of her wrongs to you (and even the gambling once counseled on) then follow Matt 18 and bring others to her, and hopefully there will be Resolution and nkt further Matt 18 escalations. We are to counsel, exhort, admonish, educate, and help one another to live holy. We can only do that by thinking on what's presented, praying, seeking the Word, examining our hearts, being humble and repenting, correcting and being restored... so we can grow and kill sin in our lives.
When you go to counseling, you can bring up that "the issue is both that she called you and unbeliever for music you let your kids listen to, ghosted you, didn't respond to a letter you gave her to try to reconcile, and that if it is wrong, you want to be educated, just as you hope she would like to be educated on any sins in her life (like the sin of gambling). But we can't participate in the Lord's Supper until this is resolved, and we need to be right with God and live holy, and ensure He hears our prayer, and is not upset with us. So I asked the pastor to help us with this. "
Resources on gambling and other sin areas for growth.
Ultimately if she refuses to confess she handled it wrong, didnt know how to do it right, messed up and her pride caused her to lose a friend & kept her from reconciling to you, even after your attempt to reach her... if you are in a good church, the church will properly go thru church discipline for that, and educate her on the sin of gambling too.
You just have to live with whatever happens, if she won't repent that's on her. If the church kicks her out and she holds a grudge that's on her. If she begrudgingly goes to counseling and holds a grudge yet church doesn't discipline her towards repentance, reconciliation and restored fellowship with God, you, and the church, you just need to forgive her and act as if nothing hapoened. You- Live in a humble, loving, patient, caring, way, even towards her. She may feel ashamed and eventually come around. Or may prove to be a false convert and leave the church. Just dont be her excuse for throwing away the Faith or friendship.
If she won't let her kids around yours after school or after church, just let your kids know there's conflict with parents sometimes, over misunderstandings and also areas of spiritual growth and maturity that need to be dealt with, but you cant control her and can only show the love of Christ towards her until she comes around. So if she won't let you all hang out together anymore just know that God directs our lives and makes changes. Some people are only in our lives for a season, but the ones who are saved will reunite in eternity.
Tell them to not let their pride or feelings get hurt if out of nowhere the kids say hurtful or mean things to you all and their behavior imitates their mom. Leave it in prayer to God and be kind to them anyway.
In a way to try to show your kindness to her still, send birthday and Christmas cards out to them still. It may softening her heart, even if the counseling doesn't work. And up until & unless the church kicks her out (as the highest escalation point got reached), so she will take holy living seriously and come back repentant.
If reconcilliation thru counseling or church discipline happens, yall should come together as adults, sit the kids down, explain the problem, how you worked through the conflict as Christians, and about the reconcilliation. This can help teach them about an aspect of Christianity, that's not found outside the biblical worldview; (even if you live in a culture where the society has Christian foundations that might not really be lived out in a moral norm anymore, but still has a bit of it left influencing it).
God bless
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