New Believer has manipulative jobless live in bf & needs guidance
I am new to the faith & am building my relationship day by day with God.
I work a night shift and have two kids. I have a study bible that’s been helping me to interpret the Bible, but also need time for study for an exam to pass my registration for work.
I have a boyfriend who is just beginning to accept things of God & in this, but he has controlling tendencies. He uses the Bible to try to get me to “submit” and “listen” to him. I am the bread winner in the home household. He does not work because he doesn’t keep a job. I take care of my kids (one is with him) & have to constantly give him money for gas, phone bill, etc. I’ve decided to take a step back and not take care of his responsibilities anymore. He wants to be seen as “head of the household” and “provider” but in reality he only watches our daughter … he doesn’t cook dinner often, and complains about cleaning. I have cut off sex.
Might I add I am a surrogate. Since being pregnant I have been turned away from lust but it took him longer to follow suit. We have slipped up a few times and I immediately feel the guilt and I pray and repent about it. He originally pushed for marriage and I said no because I believe marriage is more than a piece of paper and at first I know he only wanted to do it so we can have sex, claiming I’m not “allowed” to deny him per the Bible.
I want to know, am I wrong for not completely “submitting” to a boyfriend? We have had a rocky relationship with him cheating so much with the other woman he had kids with out of wedlock (bm), up until some months ago. I do not see him as the head of household and he takes care of nothing. Logically, he’s not all there and I help him a lot. Financially I am ahead, maturity wise, I am ahead of him and it feels like I’m raising a grown man. He is not Christian, so when he tries to use the Bible in his favor against me, that just turns me away from “listening” to him even more. It’s always a problem when I disagree with him. We are simply on two different paths in life and with me being further along than he is in my Faith, I feel he’s trying to use use my journey with God to manipulate me into putting God on the back burner and putting all my attention to him.
He’s always saying it’s a woman’s job to do abc, blah blah, and the Bible says a woman has to do "this and that" and I need to “play my role”. But as a man he isn’t even capable of playing his??? Idk how to get him to understand that my lack of intimacy has all to do with (I believe) my discernment and getting closer to God. Along with my hormones on fire from the pregnancy. But I thought the Bible says you submit to a husband. Not a boy you’re shacking up with and living with. He’s living with me because he doesn’t want to go back to his parents at this big age of 27. He has an eviction and no money. I even tried to say forget the relationship. We will just coparent and get ourselves together but he never wants to do that because again he somehow tries to throw the Bible and God at me, against me.
Help.
A: short answer: No & run.
As an unsaved person he will be controling and manipulative because that's the fruit of the sin nature. Its never in truth or love, only for selfish gain. He will use manipulative tactics and can live idolatrously at the same time. Remember "demons believe and tremble" Scripture tells us, and that "Satan masqurades as an angel of light", so too can the children of darkness can masqurade as a believer.
A man is to provide for his family and he's using you for a free ride easy life, and as the old saying goes by also having access to the cow he gets the milk free too. He is a user, and banking on you being trapped there (tied to him) cuz he got you pregnant and you have kids. Why would he ruin a free ride in life? It will only end if the bum is kicked out. He's using satanic deception in many ways, including. using the kids to make you think your "playing house" with him is reality. Pull back the OZ curtian to see the deceptive tricks clearly.
He's not your husband, you do not and are not to submit to him. Likewise hes not saved and in bith cases you dont submit to Satan. But kudos for seeing thru his ruse to trick you into marriage for sex. Also it's out of context to say you have to have sex as husband when he wants it. No, if he loves you as Christ loves the church then in the righteous nature he will by the Fruit of the Spirit live with self control. It is not a free pass to forced sex slavery. He will listen to you. If you are tired, exhausted ect then he wont ask or push for his selfish way. Its mutual intimacy. Plus if you have a lot going on and are handling your responsibilities then he needs to be a humble servant like Christ and see these things himself and then go help out with everything in a sacrificial way to take burdens off you, not dump them all on you and demand sex and everything else.
The fact that he's doing this, (besides it being fornicative), [trying to get sex on demand] when your overwhelmingly, exhausted from running the home & working and pregnant screams volumes. That's not someone who loves you nor respects you, nor God.
Continuing on, no he even as bf is not to manipulate you by using Scripture out of context. You do not even obey a legal husband when what he says conflicts with God/Scripture & holy living. If he gets saved, he needs discipleship by the godly men in the church, both in the faith and in what it means to love as Christ and lead the home.
Also he has kids from other women from other fornicative relationships and that's a huge red flag. He's not mature or responsible. And the fact that your not married allows him to run around in sin fornicating. It isnt even cheating on you cuz your not married to him and tbvh I wouldn't recommend it at all. Besides the child support he has to back pay and will pay for who knows how many kids (into age 26 for each one), means you'll be financially strapped no matter what. I lived that life as a child, with nothing, and many times with no food to eat. No child support for me but they paid out for his kids. A nightmare life I wouldn't wish on anyone. There will forever be issues with the other woman and her kids too, trust me. And even if married he would likely still sleep around cuz hes not saved. It will be an overall nightmare. God doesnt want that for His redeemed ones.
So in truth I need to say, and you likely probably know, that you cannot live with him, you both are living in sin. I know you are a new believer but you need to reorganize your life now as a Christian. You need to totally clean house. Literally and figuratively.
However, before just cutting your losses, I would share the Gospel with him asap, and then if he gets right with God, (in true contrition and submission) then you can decide if/to get married immediately at justice of the peace or thru your pastor, like today. And then he can go get a job, work as to the Lord, provide for his family, and grow in the faith in the Fruit of the Spirit. Once saved he is to study the Bible, get counsel and correction & etc from godly men in the church and the leaders there, as he builds up the home day by day as a leader. God can radically change someone, but be warned, that child support will be a nightmare. You can choose to just move on if he gets saved or not. Just sharing the Gospel is part of our job as a believer, so don't feel obligated to marry him if he gets saved. It does seem like he will not be around the kids as an father should be if you seperate, and that may be a blessing from God so you can raise them in the Faith, without his interference and sinful influence.
An unsaved man will only pull you down and into sin. Even simple example of you wanting to abstain, he preyed on you, tempted you and you sinned. Satan and his children do those games, and hope to pull Christians away from God, into sin, into guilt and into Hell.
If he refuses to get saved, upon hearing the Gospel, he is an enemy of God, so you have to leave, or kick him out, because your living in sin, been and being fornicative, and God will not bless you. You have to repent of that, move out, and go sin no more. God calls us to holy living, and that includes not being unequally yoked. God will help you find a truly saved godly mature man to be your husband. Wait on His timing.
If he rejects getting saved, and your still riding the fence.... choose if you will follow Jesus, or your own sinful desires to stay with that unsaved man. Living in rebellion to God will never be blessed and puts your salvation into question.
I recommend you consider what Jesus told the woman at the well about her sins of living with men who were not her husband, and to the woman caught in adultery... he said, "Go and sin no more." So strive to live holy, and curmt sin out of your life wherever it is found.
P.s. the surrogacy issue is another area you need to repent about and no longer be a part of. IVF kills many babies in the process, and you cannot be party to that as an accessory. God will not condone it. However if it is snowflake surrogacy it may be ok, but most women wanting leftover embryo babies usually implant them (in adoptive situations) into themselves.
I hope that's not your main job cuz you'd need to change careers. And once you marry a godly man he will be provider and you can stay home and raise the kids, and can have a side gig to bring extra money in once the kids are old enough, even if you homeschool. But don't let money be your life focus, it needs to be on the eternal. One of the most important jobs in the world is a mother, as she raises them up in the Lord [with the godly father/figure] and sends them into the world to go share Christ and do the same with their family once married.
I pray God blesses you.
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