Want to divorce husband, light abuse, has changed, but can't show affection & intimacy towards him since
Q: We are young 20's and have been married 2 years. Weve had problems. After lots and lots of work at couples counseling (6 months) I still feel like my gut is telling me to leave my husband. We started attending counseling because of his porn addiction and anger isssues. He only ever put hands on me once, but it was enough to make me stop showing him affection. It’s like there’s a mental barrier I can’t break that won’t allow me to hug or kiss him.
He’s gotten a lot better but I’m still very unhappy in my relationship. He hasn’t watched porn in almost a year and hasn’t thrown a “tantrum” in about 5 months. I can tell he’s trying which makes me feel bad, but at the end of the day he doesn’t respect me or what I want and he always puts himself first. To make things worse, he is the most pessimistic person I’ve ever met. He complains nonstop all day long. It really drags me down.
And to top it all off, he is very unkind to animals. How can I trust him to be gentle and patient with kids when he gets mad and calls the dog names just because he threw up? 😓
My family has begun to notice my husband’s negative qualities and has assured me that if I ever need a place to stay I’ll have a place with them. The fact that they have said this makes me think they’re thinking that I might need to run from him and I’m nervous. Idk what to do.
A: This will address both if hes unsaved and if hes saved but not a solid mature godly man yet. I hope it provides a bit of helpful guidance and that God blesses your efforts in time and it blossoms.
If he's unsaved, those sins are among what the unsaved do in their sin nature. Some men stumble into and can't get out of porn addictions without help. He hasn't done those things in a while, and seems to be trying to be moral. Just note, if hes a false convert or not saved, that's not godly in Christ, but it is a start.
Do not listen to anyone that encourage you to leave. God is using this for your good to grow you into maturity and sanctification. And to help you both become the couple you're meant to be.
We are not to divorce, or we cannot marry again, (theres more to say on that later) but you can't cut & run from your problems, and choices you made. You're stuck with him... and he with you.
Also you need to find ways to be attracted to him. You can come up with a list I'm sure. Seek a biblical counselor on this, & to help you both (together) in this and the other areas, to help your marriage restoration and to thrive.
Resources for you (scroll)
If you married a non believer, you have to be the light in that home, and be a sacrificing servant, a godly wife, drawing him to Christ.
While it doesn't appear behavior of a truly saved person, you would have a better idea than me; maybe he professes to be, maybe he is and just messed up. We all sin and fall short, yet/so we believers are called to forgive, show grace, and seek to live holy, and be a blessing even to enemies and those who mistreat us.
Are you both going to church regularly? Is he in a mens group? Is he getting discipled there, and does he read Scripture at home? Also is he being the spiritual leader in having couples time in the Word daily? He isn't an automatic husband who knows everything just like new parents don't know things perfectly. The church needs to be his guide and accountability partners. These things will help you both. Being young, he has access lot on his shoulders, so do all you can to take some burdens off, and be submissive. He's to love you and you him. These are decisions, not feelings based.
The growth link above will give you some women and marriage resources and guidance to help you mature in those areas. God is with you so he will do a good in your lives.
Also if your church has a couples fellowship or new marrieds class, I would go join it. It will bless you 😊
If he hasn't begun a daily couples family Bible hour (which will include the kids later on), it's good to start one now. Dont go with one he does on his own, to use it to pick on you. Pick an "actual study" so he if hes weak in the faith the course will guide you both. This has suggested studies, after these you can also read through Scripture together and discuss, and look up answers or he can find out from the men at church. Start and end with prayer. After he starts this daily routine, get him plugged into the mens group at church, and ask the leaders and pastor if the mens group could have a break out group for husbands, to help them learn how to lead the home, love their wives, and also teach them how to lead home family bible studies for couples and families. Let him know you need that for your husband and so to encourage and guide him by the godly men here, and to help all the married men.
After you have kids and do a family hour, you can still have a couples hour, and would benefit you to do so. Focus on "marriage and godly living" and "couples" studying Scripture and books recommended by the pastor to go through. This can help your marriage keep thriving and center it on Christ. Of course this is in addition to each of your personal time in the Word and prayer with God in the mornings. A husband has a heavy role at home, so do all you can to support and uploft him so he can do it joyfully and feel appreciated.
Live a submissive and a Christlike servant hearted way towards your husband. Remembering love instead a feeling [see note in first link on that]. Marriage and love are about your sanctification. Love is humility in action and leads to selfless service.
Take time to study how Jesus lived his life in loving submission to the Father, and to others, regardless how he was treated. And remember we are the Gospel lived out as Christ did, and we are the light in our home and to the world, which will encourage believers, and draw the unsaved to Christ for salvation and a holy life.
Here's some additional tips for you as a woman/wife created to be in the submissive role, and tips on how that looks practically lived out.
If he's hits you or there's physical abuse again, you need to get into professional biblical counseling, so they can address this. And uts good you have a place to stay temporarily time to time as directed by the counselor so you are safe, and he gets right with God and lives out righteousness in love, and conquers his anger and wrong mindset.
https://biblicalcounseling.com/resource-library/conference-messages/counseling-a-fearful-and-abused-wife/ (free article)
https://biblicalcounseling.com/resource-library/podcast-episodes/til-154-protecting-abused-women/ (fee)
If he's saved and wants to ensure he's killed the porn addiction, and conquer anger/emotions this can help him.
(Also the growth page above has a section for men too 😊✨️).
God bless
Verses to meditate on:
Proverbs 13:20: "Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm."
Ecclesiastes 7:12: "For wisdom is a defense
Matthew 10:16 "Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves."
Spouse Verses:
Colossians 2:6-8 reminds us:
"Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed, and overflowing with gratitude.See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ."
And these
Titus 2:4-5
4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children,
5 to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
Proverbs 18:22
22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing
And obtains favor from the Lord.
Proverbs 31:10-12
10 An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.
Titus 2:4-5
4 ... urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
1 Peter 3:3-4
3 Your adornment must not be merely external... but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.
Proverbs 12:4
4 An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.
Proverbs 18:22
22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing
And obtains favor from the Lord.
These verses collectively emphasize the value, trustworthiness, and moral character of a godly wife, highlighting her role in supporting and enriching her husband's life.
1 Corinthians 7:12-14
12 ... if any brother has an unbelieving wife, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his believing wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.
1 Peter 3:1-2
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
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