overworked, overwhelmed. Seeks advice for godly wife as new believer w buddhist husband
Q: I’m currently in a somewhat unyoked marriage. Before we wed, neither of us had strong beliefs. He grew up Buddhist, I grew up going to a Christian church on Easter and maybe once every other year. I was forced to go to youth group for awhile, since there was a church behind our house my mom took it as a free babysitter for an hour a week. I got saved late last year so am a new believer. And my husband is just started to come around. He’ not turned to Christ yet, so he still has times of mockery.
To my question- admittedly so, I’m only about 1/2, close to 3/4 done reading the Bible so I have not 100% grasped yet what "a biblical wife" looks like other than being nurturing, peaceful, loving, etc. for the majority of our marriage whether I worked I not I did 95% of the housework, childcare, cooking, etc. my husband has always worked hard labor with a 2 hour one way commute so I never ever complained or asked for help. He also pays for 95% of our bills and he does all of our car maintenance. I am a substitute teacher but currently not working and I’ve continued my home duties. However, a couple months ago my husband received a huge job promotion and he now works from home. He still does not lift a finger to help with the house at all. I’m starting to have resentment. While I’m juggling the kids, cooking, cleaning, shopping/shopping lists, he gets to just… sit there. When he works he’s sitting at a desk, when he’s off he’s sitting on the couch or laying down.. I don’t know if my resentment is valid or not. I’m struggling to decide if this is something I need to get over or bring it up? I’ve prayed and the voice I heard back said “get up and get to work” I don’t know if that was God or my subconscious 🤣
Okay wow, literally as I was typing this ending my husband came out and apologized to me, thanked me for all of my hard work and made a commitment to make our home/kids a shared responsibility. I’m also still open to your counsel about this because I’m sure there will be times these feelings and situations will come again.
A: I also was dumped in my youth, but Church and my godly grandparents in my life a bit was what God used to lead me to Christ. His plans and timing. 😊.
I do want to start and will reiterate its good he was thinking and came to you about it first. Hard labor is very tiring, so it was loving for you to help pick up the load at home to help more knowing he's exhausted. He also might be really exhausted in his new job, totally new very different work that consumes his brain and exhausts him. There's seasons in life where such things happen. I also know that 30 min at the tv can turn to 4 hours. So maybe he could set a daily alarm on his phone to "see if Honey bunny could use help" it may help. Sometimes we need a direction change helper, and such alarms to motivate ourselves are way better than you saying something and him [wrongly] starting to think your a nagger😔. So try to institute that as a help. Just adjust timimg on Sat & Sun, for weekend stuff/needs/around activities as you dont want it going off at church😅 .
We do have to understand that the unsaved only think selfishly and have ulterior motives for all they do, with midsets of "what they can get out of it", even in their religiousness or in living out a form of moralism "to appear" acceptable in the society theyre in. Its a mask of deception. The inner man is full of evil thoughts and an evil heart. When we understand that in truth, we believers can see how to work through it and minister.
If married to one, we believers must pick our battles carefully so to be a light in the home shining Christ. You def can talk to him about the chores. If hes American and not foreign he will understand it better that its "not specific roles in the home in black and white" as somehow decided here in early 60s after the War, (when women left those war job efforts to help- from while men fought, who were now back). Folk started having kids again, jobs began moving out of the homestead with indistrialization. Before that, here, there was always a sharing of work at home between husband and kids too. Everywhere was an agricultural society globally till then, even here, but most owned & worked farms, were a blacksmith etc and that was the family business &/or self sufficient homestead. All were home, & helped and pitched in. Wherever and whenever.
If a husband loves his wife as God called him to, he will be a sacrificial servant like Christ and be about looking for things to do in the home to help his wife [not lazing about]. He doesn't work his 8 and youre 247 365. That's not loving, that's using you as a birther, maid, and for sex. That's not marriage. Communication is needed. It's very important in marriage, and if you need to go to couples counseling together to get this sorted. His "real life" begins when he leaves his work and "comes home". A job is just "part" of his role as provider and leader over the home/the household. Its just the finances part. Just a tiny sliver of the whole pie.
Its nice he apologized, but he still needs to take action. Right away...Sit with him and think him for his apology, and duscuss all these things, tell him you need help or you'll get burnt out. That you cant work 247 365, [he can barely manage 8 himself]. Thank him for the car and maintenence he does, but ask him to help when he sees anything needing help. Dishes, vacuuming, meal prep, cooking, laundry &/or putting it away, cleaning up the rooms, and other things. That way it shows love and care towards his wife, abd gives her a break too for personal time to read or whatever, and so im not exhausted or burnt out and cintributes to having a more relaxed atmosphere, leads to more intimacy building up to help on nights when were desiring each other. Not to do those things just for that benefit, but to love and care for your wife well. Then theres time for such special times between you both. And no bitterness, resentment, feeling used, and too exhausted which leads to fights and hurt feelings of not taking you into consideration obliviously.
As to his salvation status, this can help you try to reach him. And this to further help with Buddhist, faq, if needed. *Review the contents so you can address his worldview in light of the biblical one, and you can share the link to him as well.
My hope is these will lead him to Christ. If not, persevere in the Faith and trust God. Not just that but also hold the mindset that you'll be growing more in godly in thoughts and behavior/responses to him and the kids so when they behave as sinners, (as theyre chained to and enslaved to sin until theyre saved), you will be honoring God by living as he designed you to and now can do as one in Christ [has spiritual life to do so]. This can help draw them to Christ of course, but ultimately youre living that way naturally cuz its who you are as a new creation - by God.
Here's some resources to help you
Unequally Yoked Resources for living godly before your husband
As to godly life topics this also can help, and this covers many wife topics youre asking about .
Pursue growth one day at a time, and God will shape you into the godly Christ follower and Christian wife he wants you to be 🙂. Just as infants grow to toddler and into a growing child, God likewise will guide you into maturity of the Faith and godly mindset.
While the current situation leans towards resolution, Biblical Counselors are here if needed at some point; are helpful for you, just as also for both of you. Outside your pastors light counsel theyll be really helpful. Use as needed.
Pray on these things, ask God to guide your sit down chat with your husband (to be on the same page). And, maybe together agree to start a weekly "fireside chat"(1) 😊 to ensure yall are communicating things that need to be, that haven't, so to be on same page and of same mind.
My other piece of advice is - make the home, (at least as far as youre concerned), a place of Peace. Don't share your complaints of things in life with him (like constant problems with your parents or friends or work stuff). I know it seems like you should be able to talk to him about all that, but it backfires if he's not saved and not a matter believer, because men desire peace at home. If you are not contributing to that peace, it will not be a happy marriage. He will become bitter, resentful and it snowballs. He might even seek peace in some side-piece. If you need someone to share life problems and troubles with, do so with a Biblical Counselor, so they can help you see things from a biblical worldview and help you conquer emotions and other areas to conform you to and renew your mind by the Word, so you can handle these issues well and have a godly mindset that's maturing, with good guidance. Our church Shepherds take decades to impart these truths to us by thr pulpit, many Sunday school classes or Bible studies likewise touch on them, but when we haven't gone through all those things to be mature in the Faith and have a godly mindset that's mature, we stumble and problems arise, so when possible, contact a biblical counselor to help guide you into that maturity, time after time, so you save yourself growing pains, and problems with others, esp not overwhelming your husband and leading that into real marriage issues. Those counselors will be a huge blessing to you. And its fine if you talk to different ones when its not marriage related. Do find a guy counselor for yall for marriage counseling, and seek that one's guidance for any marriage counsel, even if its you needing help and not a couples meeting. It will be a big blessing if you do. ACBC are the best ones, but if yall dont have money for one, Focus on the Family has free marriage counselors, just ask them to counsel from Scripture. That way you'll get better advice & guidance from them.
And, for non marriage counseling, have those convos in privacy. Where & when he wont hear, and ensure the kids have someone watching them. Even if you go over to family or friends with them, to have a prayer closet type situation, so someone's watching the kids while you get counsel. If that doesnt work, see if someone from church like pastors wife, or a nearby homeschooling mom could help you (watch the kids while you have that call). Who knows you could chat briefly over tea at her home after the call and share something you learned. And it could help her too. In passing. Like not telling her about it, wasting her time, but maybe a one sentence issue your working through with a counselor with a one or two sentence thing you learned on the call. And she and you could pray over it and a prayer request for her too. It could be like a very short "brethren" blessing moment out of yalls day, that likewise glorifies God. It will take self control and restraint, to not dump your problems on her, but simply be a moment for prayer amidst yalls busy day. Don't wear out nor overstay your welcome, so stick to as very minimal time as possible in engaging her, outside the call youre on.
Keep in mind also the things you need to do at home, and dont have consult calls for counsel on days you've got loads to do. Pick a diff day. And do try to do it while both husbands are at work, so they dont hear the call, gossip, or get upset like "youre always over there".
Even if she relaxes the time a bit when you sit with her a minute, stay disciplined to stick to not being there more than 10 minutes after the call, so she can get back to her day. *Its totally different if her husband offers to watch all the kids after work so you two could go get a boba and hang out or something like that. And it would be after working hours.
Feel free to bookmark this page for use in coming days and weeks. To go through all of this. Set a phone alarm too.
God bless
Footnotes
(1) U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt created these fireside chats during his time in office, he had them broadcast during the Great Depression and World War II. The term "fireside chat" evokes a sense of warmth and intimacy, as Roosevelt spoke directly to the American people in a conversational tone, often from the comfort of his home.
* Bookmark this page to go through the contents and resources herevin the coming days and weeks.
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