We cant expect kingdom behavior from one not in the Kingdom of God

Q: In a moment of heat my husband (not a believer) blasphemed twice in front of family, with a lot of anger. 

He later apologized (which he never does) but it was such a quick “sorry” just to get me to stop bringing it up. 

When he gets upset he will word vomit a bunch of cuss words and say in excuse it’s bc he’s upset. 

We have been through so much in our 5 years of marriage, things started gong downhill after our first child was born. We are currently separated and were supposed to be doing counseling but it has been 4 months, and his angry outburst are just so unpredictable. This separation has made me feel like I don’t love him anymore, I’m also not attracted to him at all physically, mentally, nothing. 

I have prayed to be able to forgive him, I have prayed for his heart to soften towards us. It’s scary feeling like there is absolutely no more love towards him anymore. It feels like he will never change, things won’t change. 

Appreciate your advice and guidance. 

A: I'll speak (as always) in a kind, caring and guiding manner while focusing on truth to help.

First, he is an unbeliever. He will behave in his nature, and in the moral societal norms (which is why he apologized). Knowing that, why are you expecting someone not converted to behave as one who is? He isnt regenerated; doesnt have the new nature in Christ. This is one big error young women make when dating. They see anyone as dating material, instead of looking only at the limited number of available godly suitors she is to pursue who meet biblical qualifications as the first step (before pursuing dating). They marry a non Christian [or not a true one whose been vetted] and then get all upset that he isnt living up to Christian standards (your converted expectations). A believers behavior is not in his nature. He is spiritually dead. You have to be the living example of Christ in the home, radiating love; the love of God, towards him, if you had in rebellion to God's command, married him. It is a life long struggle. On that equally yoked believers do not have. 

Marriage isnt about lovey dovey, its about sanctification and hard work in pursuing self growth and maturity & leads to holy living, AND being a team for Christ, together. If the other spouse isnt saved, he cannot pursue that goal (in any way, shape or form- it is impossible). This is why it is unequally yoked. God isnt with him, nor in him. He is spiritually dead, and lives according to his sin nature. He can only sin. That's the real truth. He might appear moral sometimes, but that's just conforming to societal expectations, and he likely minds his p's and q's most of the time in public, but behind closed doors (and in his mind) he thinks, talks, sits and behaves as a child of Satan blinded by him & trapped in his sins. Being stuck in this situation prayer & your cinstant influence in the home can guide him to Christ, and it should be your mission to minister to him by your life, shining forth Christ, and sharing the Gospel. Not running away and abandoning him to Satan and Hell. 

As a believer, if you are not right thinking and living rightly towards your husband, you are not right with your husband, thus you are not right with God either. He will nor bless you, and there is seperation between you and God, so He will not hear your prayers (Isaiah 59:2). Likewise, having something unresolved against your husband and he against you (Matthew 5:23-24 & Mark 11:25), it prevents you from participating in the Lord's Supper (1 Corinthians 11:27-29), and opens you up to church discipline for unrepentant and unresolved sin (Matt 18).

Further, the Redeemed do and are expected by the Lord to live in a spirit of love and forgiveness, having been loved and forgiven by him [in a far greater measure]. If you do not forgive him, the Lord will not forgive you…God made no exceptions to that. Nothing and no one should have the power and influence that causes you to not have access to God’s forgiveness. You mentioned God softening your husbands heart, but you did not mention your heart, which has also been hardened. 

See Proverbs 3:5-6 , Matthew 6:33, Psalm 37:23, Luke 18:1, Matthew 6:15 , Mark 9:29, Jeremiah 32:27, Proverbs 11:14 & Psalm 51:10

Was the seperation managed by in conjunction with a professional biblical counselor? Cuz doing it on your own will lead to all sorts if problems, like no resolutions. If there is someone he looks up to, trusts, respects etc that you can go to, who can speak to him, do so immediately. Ask tell him have a resl talk with him, saying "he needs to go to his wife & get into counseling with her, he is married, and have a child together, etc. Problems and conflict cant be avoided & ignored, it needs to be resolved." 

Then you can get yall into counseling. In the mean time you can find a counselor here, and get working on your end, so when hes in counseling (and yall go together) youre already working on things on your end in your areas, and can better help for smooth counseling and transitions back together, as well as towards reconciliation and restoration. 

Your goal is to become more Christlike, love him like God loves us, be a godly wife drawing him to Christ, and to see him saved.

What is Love? 

We love because He first loved us.

 1 John 4:19

1 John 4:8: "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."

John 13:34-35: "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another."

1 John 4:20: "Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.

Love is at the core of the believers new nature. We live out the Fruit of the Spirit, the communicable attributes of God that we lived out in a distorted and counterfiet way while we were broken and dead as a unsaved person, but now since Christ saved us, God gave us spiritual life. He transformed us into a new creation, one who lives out pursuing life in this right nature, restoring us to God, towards who we were made to be, pre Edenic Fall. 

Without this love, God isnt in us, nor with us. Thus those who claim to be believers, but the fruit isnt showing that to be true, are deceiving themselves (and those theyre in relationship or covenant with). They dont act like us, as theyre not like us, and we cant expect the dead to act like the living. 

Consider examining yourself, as Scripture says, to see if you are in the Faith. If you are, tighten up the areas where you've been found laxed and lazed about, in not pursuing holiness & conforming to Christ, and purposely pursue this. It can be an area of admission to your husband and for him to begin to see true the transforming power of God, shine through you, as you grow into maturity and conquer sins. Which can help lead him to Christ. 

Here are resources, (and books) to help you in those areas. Let God work in you, and mature you into the Christian & servant he wants you to be.

God bless

Footnote:

If you think he will have a problem with a female counselor, then pick a man. He can speak as a man and man to man. It is a better choice for you & your ultimate goals. They also will handle things from a biblical worldview & help address his salvation issue, [he doesn't need to know that about the counselor; just call it marriage counseling].

If he refuses counseling (as many do) you will need to persevere at home, keep trying to get yall into counseling, and def go yourself for guidance. If he continues to reject counseling, its related to pride, that he would hear he is lacking, but no one knows everything and its arrogant to try to do life on one's own. So he needs the Gospel & to embrace it, to get at that stony heart, till the soil, and plant seeds as the work of God softens him, till he is converted. Until God saves & transforms him, work on yourself and minister to him. 

*It might be a 50 year battle, but it is what you have to do, you're married to him. 

 

Pls do read all these verses, & go through all the provided material. It will greatly help your growth and maturity in the Faith, which is a good thing ✨️