Why are those who seek advice on husband problems, being asked if theyre a good wife?

Q: Why is it in convos when believing women say "my husband treats me terrible… and this is how…” but those providing responses or counsel go right to “are you a good wife…?” 

I say this because I was raised in a “godly, Christian home” and guess what?! My dad just straight was a narcissist… no matter how my mom acted. 

God didn’t say worship yalls man… God didn’t say slave to yalls man… men should be held to a higher standard. Yall are giving them the bare minimum and that’s not okay.

A: Voddie rightfully notes that when believers go their own way (marry unequally yoked in rebellion to God's command), they reap what they sow. "You married him. You got exactly what you wanted". 

Equally-yoked married couples focus on pursuing holiness, being a godly spouse. The husband loves the wife as Christ loves the Church, and the wife loves her husband. She is a blessing to him, a treasure, and he is grateful to God, and treats her as such. 

In unequally yoked marriages, the believing wife is living in hell. He will never be the man you want him to be, or thought he would be, (cuz you were raised with Bible folk and assumed thats how everyone is). All your assumptions and fantasies come crashing down when reality hits after the honeymoon period. And your stuck with him for life. 

God calls us to be godly wives, regardless if hes saved, a false convert or unsaved from the start. [Regardless of how he behaves].

What we're saying when we say such things like "you cant divorce and have to remain married" is because we who are; mature godly women, understand the Bible, and are teaching younger and weaker knowledged or new believers, biblical truths to guide. We provide resources and biblical references to point you to, and do encourage you getting your church leadership involved, and biblical counselors - for your benefit.

What does our counsel, through pastor and biblical counselors do? 

Remind you marriage is the shadow of the Gospel; God will not break the salvation covenant betwen Bride and Christ. We are not to either, as its holy union points to Christ. Marriage is about sanctification, being a selfless sacrificing servant, loving even when things are wrong, in good & bad, in sickness and in health, till death. Its a vow, a covenant, and not to be broken. 

Far too many do engagements & marriage "on their own". The church isnt involved, so theyre not counseling you, steering you to good & right choices [like "Do not marry him we've checked him out & hes not living like nor thinking like a saved person, furthermore we wont marry you two, and if you proceed, we will begin church discipline proceedures."]. They cant help or guide you cuz you excluded them in the premarital process. Likewise unequally yoked married folk, even the believing wife, is not getting guidance at her church, she's trying to do it all on her own, when it was never meant to he that way. She should be getting input and counsel from godly older women (who are mature in the Faith), and from her elders & pastor in counseling in matters, and professional counseling in addition as needed (since we have that dedicated great profession now who focus on such godly living matters). But since hes unsaved and therefore not a member, she loses an important component: the church; she cant have the congregation rally around her husband nor institute church discipline to lovingly bring him back to holy living. Hes not saved, not a member, not in Christ, isnt born again, hasn't been transformed, has not the indwelling Holy Spirit, hasn't broke the bonds of sin nature to live in righteousness, and has no desire to do so. There's no hope or help for him or the marriage (to live equally yoked & with Him at the center, as God designed it) unless he surrenders to & embraces Christ by obeying the Gospel. The only way to him get there is by you living godly before him, thus you have to grow and mature in holiness, working on yourself.   

We counsel young women to help them avoid such unequally yoked relationships, and point out: As in life, it is the same in marriage, we need to get equipped to handle problems, conflict resolution is important, esp in unequally yoked marriages, and that means becoming a good communicator with our spouse, not holding it in and complaining to others online after 10 yrs of living in such hell. You should've been working on it from the start, purposefully and consistently. You need to start, now. You are at square one. 

Yes, for all believers, pursuing holiness is important. [And likewise while the immature believer is living life, even in the consequences of disobedience,] God uses those times and seasons and situations to sanctify, prune, and grow us. Living content (trusting God) not complaining. Doing our best to conquer our own sins (many might be at the root of the marital problem; men seek peace in the home, but some women tend to cause chaos or try to usurp his leadership role. Theyre on about things not their business, or isnt important, or gossiping, or causing other marital troubles). But we cant work on ourselves, and grow in & radiate Christ's love, if we arent focusing on becoming like Christ, removing our fleshly selfishness and sins, unless we focus on growing in holiness [and reading Scripture daily, as part of that]. 

So when women say "Have you examined youre role in the situation? Are you the problem?, Have you been contributing to that problem for years? Are you growing in the Faith? Are you pursuing Prov 31 woman, and the godly wife spoken about and given guidance in 1 Corinthians 7:12-14 & 1 Peter 3:1-2 on how to live? Theyre probing to ask follow up questions to help guide based on the limited info they have. Sometimes the wife is part of the problem, and might be blind to her own sins which she needs to conquer so there are changes taking place. The unsaved husband will carry pride, arrogance, self righteousness, anger bitterness& resentment because of all the past problems, that might still be current problems too. And it might take a long time, years even, for him to think a bit differently (even if you corrdct yourself, and even if you note that), unless theres outside help [pastors, biblical counseling professionals, to work with him, and are someone "not you"]. 

Also while making changes in yourself, remember the verses on speech, the tongue, godly behavior, patience, love, kindness, forgiveness, gentleness, respect, soft words turning away wrath [a good study btw], & Proverbs on not getting involved in fights, and focusing in Christ, becoming like Him, so you can be the light in the home drawing him to Christ. 

These are areas the godly wife can work on so that she can draw him to Christ, as shes being conformed into the image of Christ, and likewise renewing her mind by the Word she studies. Getting equipped in the Word also helps her with Christian discussions, apologetics and evangelizing her husband as she shares the Gospel. 

A unsaved husband will see his wife's progression of growth into a more godly woman, and be drawn towards what she has. The kids might be coming to Christ too. Especially if these reputable counselors are involved, because progress is being reported, changes made, hes seeing and hearing these things (there and at home), and is aware now, not oblivious going day to day as usual. He will always have a focus on himself, as thats what sinners do. So they'll always blame yhr othervparty, look fir the defects and errirs in them, but never self reflect [without that outside help].

"The heart is deciefully wicked" Scripture reveals, and tells us we "do what we think is right in our own eyes", and "it leads to death", in these cases, death of the marriage. While these verses point to the previous paragraph on the unsaved husband, theyre equally valid for the wife, as in cases [such as this entire topic] too many run on unconquered "sinful emotions" *upon hearing* things like "you should stay", "you cant divorce because of that", and "counseling can help". She reacts that way because shes not pursuing holiness and not looking for and at things biblically. She's blaming him as if she has no part in the problems, [it is rare that she isnt contributing to such things ( thats not victim blaming, its truth)]. 

A believer [the wife in this scenario] should be one who is actively seeking ciunsel, accepting potentially true criticism, self examining herself (if/how shes contributed to the problem over time, in this repetitive issue, or the current situation), and gratefully taking into consideration all of it, so she can go to God in prayer, and get into the Word;meditate on the Scriptures, looking to see if shes contributed, looking across all of Scripture and the connecting topics & verses, seeing where she fell short, makjng note of it to stay vigilant about these things to purposely conquer them. Praying for forgiveness, repenting to her husband, restoring to some degree [hes unsavedcso he will keep bringing up the past even after dealt with], and sensitively paying attention to the above so she can self correct, use self control and be changed by God, and growing in the Fruit of the Spirit while conquering her flesh. 

Yes ✨️ we all need to conquer our own sins, including ones that might stir up trouble or escalate it. There's likely issues with both spouses in these situations, but sometimes its totally the victimizer at fault. Lets say the man is always angry, its obvious he hits walls and can blow a fuse. She wouldnt be trying to fuel the fire, but be wise in what she does at that time, if anything; wise in her behavior or words *to prevent escalation*. But at the same time, yes, his negative response or behavior towards anything she says or does, is in fact his sin. He is sinning against you. All humans sin, but Christ can transform all who trust in Him. And for those with new and right desires, these issues shouldn't happen. But if it does, we can forgive and continue pursuing holy living together. That's why we strive to live godly, and lead him to Christ.

If you haven't been doing these things, you need to tighten it up, get on track, not slack, and pursue this course daily. And thats what godly women counseling this wife will say, after probing with some helpful questions [like noted above, that you are attacking them for] to better reply to guide her. 

On abuse, a believer would seek & be counseled (by appropriate folk), and given a game plan like this. No one is saying you have to live in the same house (during an abusive situation), but the counselor will suggest seperation (till things die down & while working on that provlem) but... it is to be temporary. They are to come back together. This goes into the details. 

http://counselingchristians.blogspot.com/2025/02/christian-counsel-regarding-abuse.html

Also as to the "submit and enslaved to him" claim, the womans topic link below will clear up that question, from a biblically accurate definition, not from the worlds assumptions of its defunition. In godly relationships everything works rightly and in love, but not in unequally yoked ones. The false convert/unsaved spouse twists Scripture and behaves opposite how it says to. Their bad fruit shows, they get exposed, even if it's behind closed doors at home (like in your case). People like your father might be a false convert, or just a lukewarm stagnating believer who isnt pursuing holiness. Your mom had the church (church leadership and church discipline at her disposal), but apparently didn't use it to lead him onto the right path, (to lovingly correct him & guide & disciples him so he can start & progressingly love her rightly as Christ loves the Church, & as God called him to). 

Christians don't use worldly terms like victim blaming, because it has a distorted understanding when used incorrectly in the wrong mindset and context, which the unsaved love using, as if they have no part in the situation. In rare cases it might be a word that could be used, but it is best to describe things in clearer phrases and sentences than a blanket phrase. 

 

Again, believers arent to label these/use these various kinds of "worldly terms" like narcisist, as Satan uses that to decieve. Theyre just sinful behaviors, "sinners, committing certian sins". They need the Savior who redeems, restores, transforms and grows us to be more like Him. 

Again, Sinners sin. It's what they do. It is all they can do if unsaved, as theyre enslaved to sin. Unequally yoked marriage is seriously not a good situation, but [in hope] God can work through it, as he works through the godly spouse, so hopefully the other one gets saved too. *Theyre responsible to God, even after all you do, if they dont come to Christ, that's on them, not you. You were faithful to God, and pursued what he wanted you to do.

And, when we mess up, our husband doesn't throw us away. So why would we, whom God showed his love by & to, & also whom Christ sacrificed himself even unto death for us, showing and proving his love for us, while we were sinners, enemies of God, at emnity with him... why would we try to throw our spouse away [for any sin] when we who were unworthy and not perfect, were loved by God, and called to love our enemies and others... why would we throw someone away when God didn't to us. He went to the extreme lengths and at extreme cost. That should be our example & mindset. Loving our spouse until death, going the extra extra mile, forgiving when undeserved, showing grace, and persevering until the end. 

I hope that gives you more to meditate on, so you can correct your mindset. 

I'm writing this because it concerns me the amount of women on here who are quick to encourage divorce as soon as someone mentions they are having marriage problems that are not abuse or adultery, and cuz theres women like yourself who misunderstand all of this (likely as a new or weak believer). We as Christians do need to reconcile and work it out, not break up families and homes when there is conflict, or a problem that was building up for years cuz it was never addressed. There's likely several building up, not just 1. 

In circumstances of abuse and adultery are grounds for divorce, but only after going the long long distance, doing all thats possible, over a loooong period of time, guided by Scriptural truths, pastoral and biblical counseling (as noted in above link). And only if hes unrepentant during the long haul. If the divorce is initiated by you, in self centeredness, (not done in accordance with biblical principles and commands)... then you have to live "single forever". You broke the covenant. You can't date or remarry or youre living again in rebellion to God's, and in adultery, and wont be blessed by God. (*See link below for clarity on when and why divorce can happen). 

Those who love God, follow His Word and pursue holiness. Such behavior is the opposite and could put your salvation in question, (were you really saved or living in idolatry with a god and jesus you made up; who is ok with your sins). Too many in churches today are false converts. True converts follow Jesus and His Word. 

These are reasons godly women have concern and try to voice it online or in convos with you (the seeking to divorce), so that you submit to God, work on yourself, do all you can do, all marriage long, pursuing your husband for the Gospel. Those in the situations we counsel like thiscine are in a life long situation where youre correcting your mistake in marrying unequally yoked. Such decision & situation has long lasting & deep consequences, but you need to persevere. God can use you yo save him and make him a new creation as He did you.

The Bible tells us how to live and show love to one another and how to treat one another in marriage. I hope you will pursue that, at whatever cost to yourself that brings. Show him true love - God's love. 

" Love is humility in action which leads to selfless love"- John MacArthur

The J.O.Y. acronym reminds us to Focus on God, others, then ourself. 

This Bible verse is a good foundation for what love is and what that means to love one another in marriage. 

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love never fails. [Other things pass away, not love].” 1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭4‬-‭6‬, ‭8‬ . Strive to show and be that representative of God's love. 

If you are regularly in the Word? getting godly counsel, working on yourself, you can increasingly love him with a godly love, are doing all you can, are growing in holiness, opportunities to live out the Gospel as well as share it with him will present itself, and God can work on him too, plowing the hard ground, and to work all things out, (as seen in Ezekiel 36:26 & Acts 16:14) to lead him into salvation, and restore your marriage, but to better cindition since bith are now in Chrust - you're equally yoked. Christ is at the center (youre both pursuing holiness now). 

Hope this has helped. The below are also very helpful and will bless you if you are in an unequally yoked marriage. 

Unequally Yoked resources 

Marriage Resources

The godly mindset 

Why Divorce is not the answer

Biblical Answers on Women Topics 

God bless