Severe situation w husband for 14 yrs, DV charge, & realizing hes unsaved, he's falling apart. Guidance for wife & salvation prayers for him
Q: God says He is always with us right? My husband of 14 years was arrested last month for dv abuse against me, he spent some time in jail, more in the psyche ward. He was never the spiritual leader he promised to be. In fact, just in the past few days, after many many sermons about testing and self-examination, he has come to the realization that *he is not a Christian*. I have no idea if he will ever give his life to to Christ.
There's several mental illnesses involved and he went off meds a few years back and has been iffy at best with his meds and therapy for these since. He has been abusive verbally, mentally, emotionally for years and there's been porn involved, of a particular grostedque nature and our marriage has never been consummated. I thought we were passed that years ago, but my discovering his backslide is what triggered the incident. He has rages several times a weeks, most days really, often more than one a day. There's more issues but that's enough to give a general idea. We are both physically ill and I have been housebound for over 4 years (since Covid era).
There's no one for me to go to for guidance. My father has long ago passed away, one brother is unsaved and I'm not sure of the other's. There is no pastor or church. (I doubt if any of them in the area are reformed from what I have seen, heard and experienced of their teachings and beliefs online). So, I'm hoping for some input.
Here's what I KNOW. God is completely SOVERIGN. God allows EVERY trial and tribulation we experience and He WILL use it for good for those who love Him and walk according to His purpose. ( I kinda think his recognizing *he's lost* may be one of those good things. Not that he is unsaved, but that he "knows" that now. I know that I am a child of God who has been justified and is continuing to be sanctified. I'm not even doing the 'why me' because I am so sure God is in control and I trust Him - even if I have no idea how this works out.
I know I have biblical reasons for a divorce. I'm not looking for guidance on that because it's not what I want. Well, yes, it is what I want, but not what God is leading me towards. Just to be clear there. I want out. I've wanted out for years. Now, we might be losing the house, to add to the messy circumstances.
But, I don't know what to do or how to go forward. When we met, I'd been a believer for about 8 years. I did everything right: we prayed, we talked about Christianity and what it meant to us. What we expected from a godly spouse. We married, went to church together, (until I became ill). He knew what part to play to, how to act, how to fake the walk and the talk since he'd been doing it for decades apparently. I feel more alone now than I did during my eight years alone. I feel bereft. Empty of human emotion. Devoid of romantic love for so long, not just the physical side. I'm grieving for something that never existed. I'm willing to stick around if he's trying to take steps to be a better husband and man, and I'll continue to pray that he does experience a true conversion [and hopefully I'll witness that great miracle]. He's been home for awhile. He's trial appearance is in a couple months.
I'm so full of anger, disappointment and resentment though, & I think that'll take another miracle to be free from. I've forgiven him. It was a choice, not based on feelings. Any love I might feel for him is buried under so much negativity. I'm choosing love as an action. That's a choice, to act out of love even if I don't feel it. It's about wanting to be faithful and loyal, sticking through better or worse, in sickness. I have based my decisions over the years on who I want to be as a godly woman, not the world's opinion. I have lost friends who think I've chosen poorly. Family has distanced themselves My daughter has resolved to it but says she's afraid of what she might say to him. She's coming over this weekend to help with homecare.
But I'm in so much turmoil . Confusion as to what exactly I'm suppose to do next. Am I right to believe God will sorta fill in the gaps? How does He do that? How does work? What does that look like? Why hasn't He done it over the past years? Was I suppose to ask directly? Can I trust that involves saving the house as well as the home? I don't want to presume but I want a to have faith. (as for the house, we've been through loss mitigation and mortgage modfiication. The trouble stems from needing so much in-home care that was not anticipated. We've both been in and out of the hospital since purchasing the place.,)
Appreciate advice and insight
A: While there is clearly a lot going on (and has been), my heart is welling up and cheering for you both! I see so much good & potential in this post 🫂😭❤️🥲✝️. Praying! God is with you, you are going towards the right mindset working through all this, (enduring it pretty well) and just need a bit of help to guide. Your husband is blessed to have you at his side and through all of this, one day he will realize it✨️.
He is going through a lot, and has been. He needs your loving support, and of course Christ. His realizing hes not saved is a very helpful thing! It can compelling him to surrender his life to Jesus.
I just wish there was a solid church near you. Since you havent found one yet, and due to the complexities...I highly recommend a biblical counselor to help you work through all of this, *and hopefully bring him into it too, regardless of where he is right now/thru this. That plus finding a godly pastor to go help minister to him (even there), [someone "not you"] might help lead him to Christ for real, and at his lowest... God will lift him, in Christ.
Even if you sell/lose the home and other things go another direction [like Job], God is in that. He might be making big moves for you both, and setting you on a new path soon, even a new town.
A solid counselor is worth the investment. Go via zoom (and loop him in via zoom, when applicable, wherever he is). Meet them first (on zoom), (when he is not home), to get it all rolling, then loop him in (individual and couple sessions). He will need his own time for his own issues in addition to your marriage issues, and if you take their initial advice (to give you a plan), let him have the sessions for now (into near foreseeable future), so hes focusing on help/himself. You can pop in later individually, and then together for marriage issues. Pick a licensed professional here.
If you can find a pastor, & fill him in, he could be the irl person you both see (and loop into the counselor) so he has someone in his life. Who can come over (or to him) and pour into his life, alongside the counselor, to help disciple him towards Christ, and be a help to guide him into right living, being the man God wants him to be, and help him (with other godly men at church) shape and mold him into who God wants him to be when he turns to Christ. To become the man, husband and Christian he wants to transform him to be. Having their support and discipling help and being there to give him counsel will be such a blessing. I pray that's God's will.
If you absolutely cant afford it, these folk can be your biblical counselor. *Even if you go with the earlier counselors at first, and have to move to these guys later, it is an option.
As to abuse, I hope this can guide & help. The counselor will include this plan at some point. If he is away, this wont be needed yet, but can give an idea and some peace.
Great you did some peeking at churches nearby from home. Search here for churches too. You will be able to talk to the pastors and sus out who is acceptable. And if no Reformed are in the area, pick the best of the bunch (to join there), and get pastors help in the mean time.
I also pray God saves him, and uses that and your testimony to lead you daughter and ither family members to Christ... witnessing this miracle of God for themselves.
And praying you recover well from your illness and are no longer homebound! I've been stuck inside since Covid started and just now venturing out a little [rare incurable blood cancer & physical injury limitations].
God bless
P.S. Not to take the place of counseling, but some supplements to it that may help you. 🙏
Footnote
* A Licensed Counselors cannot share confidentiality in court, but non liscenced ones can be called to testify in court. So keep that in mind, for your situation and if necessary in a divorce, should it be the only option in the future. Praying it is not, but just disclosing this now.
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