How to deal with an affair in your family

Q: I need some advice. I’ve prayed over it and I’ve tried to be patient with it. I’ve just got engaged to my amazing, wonderful fiance. We are both Christian’s and read the word on a daily. 

Right now I struggle the most with resentment or anger. Not towards him, but one of his family. My future brother in law had an affair with his fiance's best friend. Both have kids. I’m friends with the fiance. He started to bring his mistress around and my future in-laws are pushing me to be close with her. I tried, but can’t find myself to do that. I can’t look at either of them without disgust or anger. I tend to avoid them when they’re in the room. My fiance seems to struggle with it too, especially since the kids are being affected by it. He prefers to keep his distance right now too. I’ve watched my cousins struggle when their parents got involved with affairs so it feels a bit more personal. I’ve prayed to God to give me patience so I can be more kind. I’ve tried but I can’t help but notice the constant negativity when they walk into the room.

A: This is a bit diff cuz its a fiance issue and not marriage adultery issue but I'll address both. 

Its difficult cuz your husband's parents are embracing the mistress and not the fiance (whom he appears to have kids with in a  fornication relationship), thus their grandkids. It sounds as if all of them are unsaved. It doesn't sound like hes saved at all cuz hes no shame nor fear of God to live in sin openly (and by taking the "mistress" to his parents, and theyre condoning the behavior). The guy isnt married so hes just running around fornicating and isnt taking engagement vows seriously. 

I dont know if his fiance is professing Christ and sinned in a sort of ignorance as a new or weak believer and somehow thought its right to marry him for the kids. That thought is deception cuz it tries to tie light to darkness and her to a unbeliever for life and it will be a miserable life lived in rebellion to God's command. She will forfeit a amazingly blessed life to a godly man and a marriage that pursues a God transformed Christ focused life. 

Unless he gets saved and has a radical transformation and by that and new desires (given to those who have spiritual life), shes better off leaving him. Staying or clinging only creates a huge vicious cycle of heart break for her and the kids. Removing her and the kids from this drama and situation will help bring peace to their lives. Yes the consequences are thst he has to pay child support, yes he still has access to the kids as his father, but she can teach them that what he did was wrong and affected all of us so that the parents arent together, dad is living in sin, and not a good example for them. She will hopefully either get saved and marry a godly man to be the father figure example they need, or hopefully will find a decent guy to marry who is a better example to them, influencing them in the home. 

Remind the fiance and her kids that we live in a Fallen world of sin and suffering and it affects others when people live selfishly. But God will work all things out, in the end. This convo can lead to a Gospel discussion,  and point to the eternal life in eternity whete sin will never enter again, perfection and peace exist there- so we should look forward to God bringing this world to an end so the new one comes. 

If your husband's brother is saved, he should be pursuing repentance, reconcilliation & restoration. Conquering sexual sins in prof biblical counseling and with church discipleship, discipline and accountability partners there so he pursues a holy life, and does all he can to restore his fiance/wife's trust in Him (which may take years). She might delay the wedding until she sees hes not going to be sn adulterers if married, anc thats fair... its a cross he has to bear for such an egregious sin. 

Know that the unsaved are in their sin nature and can only do as their nature does; sin. So live out (by the new nature) how God showed his love for us in Christ, and how Christ showed his love to us [while enemies of God]. Scripture calls us to love those who are our enemies, who sin, and to bless them. By living out our new nature we love God and others as we were made to as image bearers of God (1 Cor 13, Galatians 5). This can help guide on that in practical ways. 

Righteous anger over sin and hating sin like God does is a just judgment, but we have to respond to it in the righteous way, knowing "they don't know what they do", if they did they never would. If they had and knew the real truth about all these things, if they were not broken fallen sinners they never would do these things, as its an assault on God's character, and their bodies, and causes ripping consequences for all who know thrm, esp the one they're married to and their kids.  

While its also true their conscience convicts them of sin, cuz His Law (thus the image bearers truths) is written on their hearts, which by sharing either excuses, or having not seared their conscience in other areas it accuses and they know its wrong. But they function in their nature of sin as noted cuz its all they can do. 

Until they hear the Gospel and God saves them, they won't have that transformation, and new and right desires and nature that go with it.

Heres a resource for you to conquer sins of anger and bitterness. That ties into the prev resource (which also has good resources so do go through them ✨️). So you can live out godly love better (1 Cor 13/Galatians 5) more and more. 

This has convo starters for sharing the Gospel. Not only can God transform the fornicators/adulterers, but the whole family (by the illustration of reconciliation and restoration in Christ by the Gospel). Find opps in time to have these convos, even if you do the below suggestion (until theyre saved). Tomorrow isnt guaranteed, so dont regret it, take action to minister. If they reject it, keep showing live and circle back to the Gospel then you can. 

The below has resources for restoration around infidelity, (good for them all to go through) so God can work miracle in the whole family. Be a minister to them all by bringing this info to the couples involved, and your cousins, and the bf. 

You can simply say to or text out to them all:

Hi. This has been on my heart & I saw this the other day and kindly ask you to go through it. If you didnt know - God is in the restoration business. Fallen people do bad things. Yes sin was committed, yes it is horrible, yes it has caused huge scar, damaged the spouses trust, and affected the entire family on both sides, but if the offending parties are repentant, and surrender their lives to God, he can make them a new creation with new and right desires. They'll pursue a life lived right because they have a new nature. God can use this to show the family, friends and those in our lives that God is a miracle worker and that hope & true restoration exists and is real, as evidenced by the work he does in you. 

Recovering from infidelity

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLUp3S56wWUpRwoBV2CuYHUV_XjLjFE_lA&si=bzo5OVjChDXD5LgD

Understanding and embracing the Gospel

NeedGod.com 

I will be praying for you all, and will be pursuing to show the love of Christ with patience, grace, forgiveness & love towards you all. 

God bless