Spouse wrestling struggle not nice & kids
Husband wrestling w convictions & sin surrenders, now avoids home & family life, is mean, nitpicky & negative even to our toddlers.
Q: My husband and I are both believers, and over the last three years we’ve been actively trying to grow in our walk with Christ. Up until about 6–8 months ago, my husband was also pursuing growth, but lately things have shifted.
He’s given up a lot and made some big lifestyle changes, but now he’s wrestling with convictions he never thought he’d have to face. He knows we’re called to surrender it all to Christ if He asks, but he doesn’t really want to let go of certain things. Instead of leaning into those convictions, he’s been pulling away from God—and from us.
He’s not abusive, but he can be neglectful—of me, the kids, and our home. He often finds reasons to be gone late, which means he usually gets home after the kids are in bed, and sometimes after I am too. When he is home, he’s not present. He seems depressed, and honestly, he’s just mean—sometimes it’s not even what he says but how he says it, or the tone and implication behind his words.
We are very plugged in at our church. He even serves on the security team. From the outside, everything looks picture-perfect. At church he seems like “Mr. Protector,” serving faithfully and presenting himself as strong in the Lord. But at home, it’s the opposite. It feels like a façade. It doesn’t even seem like he loves Jesus right now, let alone wants to serve Him. He can look the part on Sundays, but when we get home, things go right back to miserable. Honestly, it’s making church hard for me to stomach—because how can he worship, serve, and act like the head of a picture-perfect family, when he won’t even lead us in a simple prayer at the dinner table? In fact, he often schedules meetings just so he can avoid being home at mealtimes altogether.
I’ve been praying nonstop for months, but things only seem to be getting worse. It’s wearing on me, and I can feel myself slipping into depression too. Most of his interactions with our 3- and 2-year-old are negative, because he gets overwhelmed when they won’t just sit quietly while he scrolls on his phone. He’s always disciplining or pointing out something they’re doing wrong. It’s making our home feel heavy and miserable.
Even our children have been praying for him. We recently joined a life group at church, but I know he’d feel deeply disrespected if I went behind his back and shared all of this right now. I’ve asked him to consider talking with some of the men he respects, but I can’t force him—and I won’t go to them for him.
Divorce is not an option and neither is therapy at the moment. But in the meantime, what do I do? How do I protect my children? How do I protect my own peace? How do I teach my daughters that this behavior is not normal or acceptable for the leader of a household, while also continuing to honor God in this situation?
A: Prayer isnt all we are to do. Scripture tells us to take action, and also to include others.
Is he actually saved or just a church goer who is just going thru religious motions and living out a form of moralism when it suits him? If hes a diff person at home, hes likely not saved cuz one transformed by God is a new creation, (truly living out that nature and fruit). And if unsaved, def shouldn't be serving in the church; serving is only for believers.
Not sure what the conviction issues are, if you elaborate I can probably give guidance/links to answers to help you help him. He can think on it and pray on it.
If hes saved but hit a rough patch cuz hes a new or weak believer [or stagnant] & he doesnt know how to cope with things hes thinking about and dealing with then he needs to go to the godly men in the mens group the deacons, elders and pastor for discipleship in the areas if husbandry, leader of the home and as spiritual leader. And consider professional counselor.
Both you by yourself, and yall together can and should go to counseling, biblically based. There theyll work individually and together to help yall in all areas that need help and guidance. They do way more help than pastors can, but you do need your church shepherds and mature godly folk rallying around you from your church. They know you, love you, are called to encourage, disciple, counsel, exhort, admonish, correct, guide, help you conquer sins, and lead you into holy living. Growth takes time into matutity but we can try to do things on our own. It will always fail.
Sometimes folk eventually get exposed as a false convert, it can start showing after 3 years [my husband did], or even later on [I just talked with a retired "pastor" of 35 yrs who left the Faith & had no idea about basic things of Christianity (until I shared it)], and these are to be expected since Scripture tells us this. Thr Soil parable for starters. Some hear the word, appear to grow and then wither away, cuz they weren't if us.
Has he read the Bible daily without fail?
If not, theres something wrong. When we stop being in the Word, we start leaning to our own understanding and our heart can deceive us, leading us astray. Plus if not praying daily and several times to talk with God, and even keep short sin accounts, then we wander off the righteous path into sin. Sin keeps us from the Bible and prayer, cuz it convicts us.
Has he been growing in holiness?
You say he seems to but then it seems like its gone, theres red flags there.
Is he struggling with past sins, or trauma from his youth years at home thats resurfaced & causing internal issues?
He will need biblical counseling to overcome those things and live in peace &victory ...moving onwards.
It would be good to ask him questions about his faith. Probe his salvation. The first idea here is a good guide
If hes having faltering doubts, these can help solidify his faith.
If its a matter of not understanding certian topics, teachings, doctrines, or things hes confused about, these can help:
Suffering
If its sin related, these can help:
If hes having trouble seeing something as sin, not willing to give it up, just be patient because God grows us and it can take time, esp to understand the "why" but it is always rooted in holiness, in line with God's design and desire, calls us to trust God and be obedient knowing its right & what's best for us. Many times it can be connected to not understanding who God is and who we were made to be, and living as. If we are restored to God, were restired to our original design, will hate sin and pursue all things righteousness. To have those greater understandings we need to understand God better and the revesled Word; Scripture. As noted, many of these things are what we grow into, so there might be some wrestling about it, to connect dits, but also some sin struggles connected.
When we cling to things that are sin, its an assault on God and his character, and calls us to question if we love Him, since love obeys and trusts, it doesnt try to hold onto whats wrong; unsaved folk live in sin, but not believers.
And heres a love consideration, as its connected. Which you could encourage him to go through.
You do need to loop the pastor in, in counseling. Pride has no place in a Christians life, they actively happily recieve counseling and correction, desiring (in humility) to live right.
Proverbs 27:6, which says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." He will appreciate you care, by seeking help.
False converts and the lost get mad at those things cuz it exposes them, what thru hid behind closed doors, and the truth came out. That's not a believers attitude.
One other thing I suggest, is, since he goes to church, if he is part of the mens group, go to the leader there, in confidence, tell him what's going in (what you shared here & concerns of sharing with him since he wont seek out help), ask him if the group could do a meeting study targeted to guide men on these kinds of matters, (and that encourages pastoral and prof counseling too, not trying to do it alone). That way the leader can think through this and come up with a hand crafted study or crafted series study to address these kinds of things and more. That way he can also offer men to come see "him" for prayer, counsel, guidance etc on things they might be going through, and that were not alone and need to lean on one another so we can keep walking well.
As to the professional counseling, heres the contact directory. If you have financial issues Focus on the Family offers free marriage counseling. Since this is affecting your marriage and family it qualifies. If you have finances to pay, go with the acbc cuz theyre the best.
As to your end questions & about the kids and navigating this, the below will help. Its definitely not ok how he is avoiding you, family life, married life, and how he is treating the kids (all is unloving).
God bless
=============================
With grounded care in God’s Word, the sufficiency of Christ, and the Spirit’s work in sanctification this can help with your situation.
1. Clarify the Heart Struggle
From what you describe, your husband appears to be in a season of spiritual drifting and resistance to conviction. Scripture describes this as a battle of the heart:
• He knows God’s call to surrender (Luke 9:23; Romans 12:1–2), but he is hesitating and clinging to idols/sin.
• That internal struggle is manifesting in relational withdrawal, irritability, and neglect (Proverbs 4:23; James 1:14–15).
• His behavior points to what Scripture calls “double-mindedness” (James 1:8)—wanting both Christ and the world’s comforts.
This doesn’t excuse sin, but it helps you see his choices as fruit of a deeper spiritual struggle rather than simply circumstantial or personality-driven.
2. Your Role as His Wife
You are not responsible for your husband’s sanctification, but you are called to walk faithfully in your role. That means:
• Respectfully encourage him without nagging (1 Peter 3:1–2). Let your words be gentle but clear, pointing him to Christ rather than to your frustrations.
• Express concern biblically, naming specific behaviors (e.g., neglect of family time, harsh speech) rather than speaking in broad generalizations (Ephesians 4:29).
• Continue in prayer for his heart (Philippians 4:6–7; Colossians 4:2). Remember that ultimately, conviction and change come from the Spirit, not your effort.
• Model faithfulness: remain steadfast in pursuing Christ, loving your children well, and keeping your hope anchored in the Lord rather than in your husband’s responses (Psalm 62:5–8).
3. How to Minister to Him Wisely
• Ask gentle but probing questions that invite him to talk about his heart:
• “What feels heavy for you right now?”
• “How are you wrestling with God in this season?”
• “What do you think God might be showing you through these convictions?”
• Call him back to Christ, not just to family duties. His neglect of you and the kids flows from his spiritual distance; the root issue is vertical (with God) before it is horizontal (with family).
• Encourage fellowship: men often isolate when under conviction. Point him toward wise, godly brothers who can speak truth and walk with him (Hebrews 3:12–13; Proverbs 27:17).
4. Guarding Your Own Heart
• It will be tempting to grow bitter, discouraged, or self-righteous. Scripture calls you to guard against that by entrusting your husband to the Lord (1 Peter 2:23).
• Surround yourself with the local church. Invite godly older women to pray with you, encourage you, and help you bear this burden (Titus 2:3–5; Galatians 6:2).
• Remember that Christ sees the unseen sacrifices and loneliness you feel (Hebrews 6:10).
5. Encouragement in Christ
This season is painful, but not purposeless. God often uses trials in marriage to deepen faith and produce endurance (James 1:2–4; Romans 5:3–5). While your husband is resisting conviction, God is still sovereign, still pursuing him, and still working in you. Your role is to walk in obedience and trust, even when your husband falters.
👉 A wise next step may be inviting an elder or trusted counselor in your church (preferably male, for your husband) to come alongside both of you.
Convos:
Here are some sample conversation starters framed in a way that honors Christ, avoids accusation, and seeks to draw your husband out. These are shaped biblical principles: speaking truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), being gentle (Galatians 6:1), and aiming for the heart rather than only behavior.
1. Starting with Humility and Care
• “I’ve noticed you seem burdened lately, and I want to understand what you’re going through. How can I come alongside you?”
• “I see you wrestling with some things, and I care more about your walk with the Lord than about chores or schedules. What’s been hardest for you in this season?”
2. Gently Naming Specific Concerns
• “I’ve felt some distance between us. When you come home late and aren’t really present, it leaves me feeling lonely. I don’t want to accuse you—I want us to be close and united. Can we talk about what’s making this hard for you?”
• “Sometimes the way you speak feels sharp, and it hurts. I don’t believe you want to wound me, so could we talk about what’s happening in your heart when that comes out?”
3. Pointing Him Back to Christ
• “I know God has been pressing convictions on your heart. That’s a mercy from Him, even if it feels hard. How do you think He’s calling you to respond?”
• “I’m praying for you because I love you. How can I be a help to you as you process what God is doing?”
4. Inviting Community Help
If he remains resistant:
• “I don’t want us to stay stuck here. Would you be open to meeting with one of the elders or a trusted brother in Christ, so we can get some outside wisdom?”
5. Guarding Tone and Heart
Remember:
• Approach him when he is not already tired, rushed, or agitated.
• Keep your words few, clear, and rooted in love (Proverbs 25:11).
• Pray before and after—asking God to soften his heart and your own.
✨ A good framework to keep in mind is “Observation → Impact → Invitation”:
• Observation: “I’ve noticed you’ve been coming home late most nights.”
• Impact: “That makes me feel disconnected and the kids miss you.”
• Invitation: “Can we talk about how to make time together a priority again?”
Looking at the bigger overall picture of what's going on...
1. Understanding What’s Happening
What you describe shows a serious disconnect between profession and practice. This isn’t just “inconsistency”; it’s hypocrisy—projecting strength and godliness outward while neglecting the home (cf. 1 Timothy 3:4–5). That doesn’t mean your husband isn’t a believer, but it does mean he is living in sin and needs shepherding.
This tension—him looking faithful at church but being harsh and absent at home—can produce deep disillusionment in you and confusion for your children. You’re right: this is not normal, and it is not what God calls the leader of a household to be.
2. Protecting Your Children
God entrusts parents to nurture children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). If your husband’s interactions with them are consistently harsh, critical, and discouraging, you need to:
• Model a different spirit: Show them what Christlike patience, gentleness, and discipline look like (Galatians 5:22–23). They learn not only from what you say, but from what you embody.
• Teach them truth clearly: You don’t need to dishonor your husband to tell your daughters the truth. You might say:
• “Daddy is struggling right now, but God is still good and loving.”
• “God calls fathers to be gentle and kind, and we can pray for Daddy to grow in that.”
• Affirm what’s right and wrong: Without tearing down your husband, let your girls know that unkindness is not what God desires. This helps them form biblical categories without fostering disrespect.
3. Guarding Your Own Heart and Peace
You are being pulled toward despair, and understandably so. To resist that pull:
• Anchor your hope in Christ, not in your husband’s behavior (Psalm 62:5–8). If you look to him for stability, you’ll feel hopeless. If you look to the Lord, you’ll find unshakable peace (Isaiah 26:3).
• Pour out your grief honestly to God. Read Psalms of lament (e.g., Psalm 42, 55, 73). God welcomes your raw honesty.
• Stay deeply connected to godly women in your church. You may not share every detail with your life group yet, but you should not carry this burden alone. Titus 2:3–5 envisions older women strengthening younger women in situations like this.
• Guard against bitterness. Hebrews 12:15 warns that a root of bitterness can defile many—including your children. That doesn’t mean you minimize the hurt, but that you actively hand it to God instead of nurturing resentment.
4. What to Do With the Façade
Seeing your husband serve publicly while failing privately is deeply discouraging. But remember: you’re not responsible to “expose” him or to manage his reputation. God sees (Hebrews 4:13). Often He uses hidden hypocrisy to eventually bring conviction.
Your part:
• Pray specifically for his secret and public life to align.
• Encourage him privately (when he’s receptive): “I see you serving faithfully at church. I long for that same energy and love to be here at home with us.”
• Be willing to seek help if things escalate. Though you don’t want to “go behind his back,” Scripture calls the body of Christ to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). If neglect, harshness, or anger crosses into abusiveness, you must involve church leadership for the sake of your family. That isn’t betrayal—it’s biblical care.
5. Teaching Your Children While Honoring God
• Point them to the perfect Father. Remind them that God never neglects, never speaks harshly, and always delights in His children (Psalm 103:13–14).
• Separate behavior from identity. You can teach: “Daddy is struggling with sin. But he is still your daddy, and we can love him even as we pray for him to grow.”
• Model honor without enabling. You can speak respectfully of your husband as their father while still showing them by example what is right. That teaches them both truth and grace.
6. No Divorce, No Therapy — But Not “Nothing”
Even without divorce or professional counseling, you still have resources:
• Your local church: elders, older women, trusted friends.
• Prayer and Scripture as your daily sustenance.
• Practical rhythms that protect your peace (e.g., taking your girls outside when the home feels heavy, building joyful traditions apart from his mood).
But do go to a professional counselor because they really can help snd get to the root and deeper in a matter, and can spend time doing so. Plus it kerps gosdip out the church, and possibly unbiblical advice from leaders who mean well but have no experience in these areas.
✅ Here’s a summary of your “next steps”:
• Guard your own walk with Christ through prayer, lament, and community.
• Protect your daughters with truth and gentleness, pointing them to God’s character.
• Gently confront your husband at times, but without pressure or nagging.
• Involve the church if his neglect and harshness grow worse or cross into spiritual/relational harm.
• Hold fast to hope: Christ sees, cares, and is at work—even when you can’t see it yet.
===Here is a sample of how you might teach your daughters in age-appropriate language that Daddy’s harshness is not God’s design, without dishonoring him.===
Children at ages 2 and 3 process truth mainly through tone, repetition, and simple words, so the goal is not to give a theology lecture but to lay gentle, age-appropriate seeds of truth. Here are some sample scripts you could use when situations arise:
1. When Dad Speaks Harshly
“Sweetheart, I know Daddy sounded upset. God tells us to use kind words. Daddy is struggling right now, and we can pray for him. Remember—God is always kind, and He loves you very much.”
(Prayer: "Father God thank you for showing us your example in Jesus, so we can be kind and loving even when othets are having a hard time, and not livung as you desire. Thank you for your love and I will trust you".)
2. When Dad Is Distant or Avoids Time Together
“It feels sad when Daddy isn’t with us. But God is always with us, every moment (Hebrews 13:5). We can talk to Him right now, and He hears us.”
(You could then pray aloud: “Lord, thank You that You are always near, even when Daddy can’t be with us.”)
3. Teaching Them What’s Right, Without Tearing Down
“God made mommies and daddies to love their children and teach them about Him. Sometimes we don’t do that very well. But Jesus always shows us what love looks like, and we want to follow Him together.”
4. Reassuring Their Identity
“You are precious to God. You are His special creation (Psalm 139:13–14). Even when people speak unkindly, God’s love never changes.”
5. Redirecting After Discipline That Feels Too Harsh
If your husband disciplines in frustration, you can gently follow up later with the kids:
“Daddy was upset. But God tells us discipline should be gentle and full of love. Mommy wants to help you learn too. God gives us parents to help us grow, even when it’s hard.”
6. Guiding Them in Prayer
Keep it simple, short, and repetitive.
“Jesus, please help Daddy love You and love us with gentle words. Help us love him too.”
A Few Guardrails for You
• Tone matters more than words: If your voice is calm and gentle, they’ll absorb security and peace even if they don’t grasp all the meaning.
• Repeat truth often: Kids this age learn through repetition. Keep the same short phrases.
• Avoid bitterness in front of them: You can acknowledge that Daddy is struggling without using words like “mean,” “lazy,” or “bad.” Frame it as “struggling with sin” and “needing God’s help.”
• Point them upward: Always end by lifting their eyes from Daddy’s failures to God’s perfect love and presence.
Hope this helps
Comments
Post a Comment