Engaged w kids to partner not keen on marrying & no desire for Church
Q: Should you break off an engagement if your significant other isn’t as much into the church as you are? My fiancé will go to church, but will not want to go sometimes and I take the kids by myself. I feel like I’m on fire for Jesus, and he just isn’t. He often says “what has Jesus done for me?” And I try to tell him to keep the faith don’t lose that faith in him. I don’t know what to do.
We’ve been together for 14 years and have 2 children together. Ive been engaged to him for 7 years. He doesn’t seem to want to get married either, but I do so badly. Advice?
A: Guys usually know within 9 months if he wants to marry a woman. He will pursue it and get married right away. The fact that the relationship is 14 years old and you didnt marry after 1 year (let alone now on Year 7) is a very major red flag.
He is using you. He is getting all the wife benefits without you having security and legal protections, as well as living in sin outside God's will. Your fornicating led to pregnancy of two children. Theyre also seeing their father not be a godly man, and will pattern their life after him.
Tbvh by trying to cling to him, is one of the reasons youre in this mess, and is why he sticks around. Likely he wouldn't have if kids weren't involved. God doesnt want us clinging to someone who is not right for us, and doesnt want us (which his actions here actually deep down reveal). That wont bless us but bring misery for life. And is preventing you from the godly man God has in store fir you while youre over in the corner wallowing in filth.
It sincerely seems he is unsaved. Before initiating any of the below guidance, I genuinely hope you will have a Gospel focused serious one on one sit down with him. Sunday after church, after the kids are in bed, is a good time. Tell him, "I would like a few minutes of your time, to have an important chat". Sit at table together and say "Recently you said what has Jesus done for me? And that got me thinking. I wasnt sure if you are aware, but God actually doesnt owe us anything nor have to do anything for us. God made us, and the purpose was to have fellowship with Him, to love, serve and glorify Him. But we cant do that now because Adam sinned and the Fall happened, corruption, sin and suffering entered the world. And everyone became hellbound. The only thing we are owed is our wages, what we deserve. The only reason God made salvation possible for us where he didn't with Satan and the other fallen angels, seems to be because He made us in His Image, and he wont destroy that. He did start over once through Noah, but that was a temporary fix to rid the world of extreme evil, after that he targeted particularly evil nations, by His righteous judgment. Tbh God could and should wipe us all out. But He chose to save some of us. "The wages of sin is death but but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 6:23. We earn death for our sins. Scripture says "After death is only judgment". Hebrews 9:27. So we as sinners earn our death znd God the just Judge will render the punishment out for all who die in their sins. All who are not found to have Christ as redeeming Savior.
Jesus redeems, repairs us: from broken sinful people, to restoring us to who we were designed to be from Eden. That fellowship gets restored and is permanent, because God causes us to be born again, totally transformed by God into a new person. He gives us spiritual life, changes our inner person, gives us the righteous nature of Christ, which allows us to live holy having new desires to pursue what is right. This is why the Gospel is good news, because for mankind (hellbound sinners) hope exists through Jesus. We who obey the Gospel call are filled with joy and peace on that matter. So that whatever happens in this life, it pails in comparison to what lies ahead in eternity with Him. This world is full of suffering, sin, and the consequences of sin. God also uses what ithers meant for evil to turn it into a good, both now and future. What we experience calls us closer to God, deeper in Scripture, matures us in faith; in standing firm and trusting God. He always has the best in store if we trust him and Persevere. Think of Job and others. Many times it is for the Gospel being spread, and our growth. Jesus defeated death and evil on the cross, so theres nothing we need to worry about. He is soverign, provides and controls the outcome. He works out good for redeemed ones despite the sins of men and our own failings.
With that said, I saw this video and wanted to get your thoughts on it." Watch the Gospel video, then kindly ask "Have you ever heard the Gospel presented so clearly?" [Let him answer]. And then ask "Do you see your need for Christ, today?" [If yes ask] "Do you want to pray to God & get right with Him, now? [If yes bow while he prays, then pray over him yourself.
> Then pray together [over repenting of your fornication and sinful living together], and determine to marry right away.
And... talk about 🎉 excitedly calling & telling your pastor the news. Also use this moment to get him plugged into the church; to join, be baptized, begin discipleship, be mentored by the godly men, & be of the community of believers there. ... And discuss marriage with the pastor, to do it right away. Even a quick one with the kids there. It can be part of the salvation testimony and general testimony you can tell others. It points to Jesus changing all areas of our lives. Not just personally. It isnt something we kerp to ourselves, it permeates all areas of our life.
If he has objections or questions that are a stumbling block, try to answer them, them go right back to calling him to obey the Gospel, so he is right with God, that matter is settled, and he can learn more like the rest of us as he lives out the Christisn life.
Tbh all he needs is to see his sin, his dire situation, and recieve Christ to fix the problem. So if he goes on endless what abouts and objections just point him to the reasonableness of the message of the Gospel, embrace it, and go from there.
Do it all in kind non emotion filled way, cuz genuine convos are important on this matter. Have patience, guide in love.
Some things you could bring up if the convo extends and youre calling him to reasonableness of the Gospel, further probing might include:
●What's the biggest question or doubt holding you back from believing this message?
● Is there any part of what I've said that you'd like me to explain further?
● Do you believe what I'm telling you is true?
● Is there a sin so important in your life that you're willing to go to hell over?
●What's stopping you from trusting Jesus as your Savior right now?
● If this were your last chance to respond to the Gospel, how will you answer?
● Would you commit to thinking about this message and seeking God in prayer tonight?
⭐️If you ask the last one, give him a day ot two to think sbout it, them sit down and discuss again. You can then decide it is time to exit the relationship... if he still rejects it (by not embracing the Gospel in surrendering to Christ). You have no choice.
The issue hes having [pre Gospel convo] is that he has no real desire for God or the Church. Those in the sin nature are spiritually dead. They cannot understand nor see. There's no genuine desire there. So he will use something to get something out of it - only for that benefits him. That's a sin mindset. The redeemed ones understand all these things, and in the new nature we pursue it because we desire it by the new nature, having now been given spiritual life. We love God, are grateful, and have a right spirit and understanding so we obey and pursue a genuine relationship with God, incl desiring to be with the congregation whenever opportunity are open at church to go and participate/serve there. Until he has that new nature, he wont have those natural desires.
If he rejects this call to the Gospel, take it as a clear sign that you are not to be with him. You (op) need to repent to God (for your sins from the relationship) and move out right away, (or have him move out so you can live there with the kids so theres no huge ripping away, to make it a bit easier. For the kids sake).
It's not a begging situation for either of you. Its a situation clear cut that the relationship is over, because you have to obey God. It was never meant to be, snd slso as apologize for clinging to him all these years. Just be kind about saying that. And put all this into action right away. No complacency, no waiting another day, show its true and legit by helping him move out. Get yoyr support folk incolved in advance. Call your pastor, bio brothers and church men over to help him figure out where to move, get those things paid for and in order, and packed up and out. Change the locks on the home/apt. And deal with any communal property so hes not just tossed out but has his things and needed stuff. Let him go out maybe with a teen kid if ones that age or with a godly church guy to help him buy kitchen ware and basic things so hes not feeling like hes homeless with nothing. Bless him by that, showing you care and will treat him with respect as the kids father.
It would also [right away/early on] be the time to sit and tell the kids something important: you "wrongly were living in sin, which led to children out of wedlock, and those decisions led to complacency and silly wishes for their father to marry her, but he genuinely has no plan to do so, and no longer can, but he is still your father and you will still see him. God calls believers to live holy. I cant be a hypocrite believer and bad example to you... so will be pursuing a right relationship with God going forward. Dad will be moving out/we will be moving out, not far away, and you'll be able to visit and call him. But mom has to live right before God and train you all up to know Jesus as Lord. Your father isnt saved yet so he cant be the godly man 'God wants him to be' as a man, spouse & father until Jesus is his Savior. He cant be a godly example to you, but I can and plan to be. I wont give up hope for him, and to be the spiritual leader God wants him to be. This situation is my fault for being unequally yoked with him in the first place, and my sin has rippled over to you, and hurt you. I am sorry. God can repair, redeem & restore... and my prayer is He will. But until then things will be a bit bumpy. I expect you all to respect my decision as parent and Christian on this matter. You can always come talk to me about any concerns or worries. One thing is for sure that even during this transition- we both love you, and that will never change."
And go from there, separating amicably, and only having interaction with him when theres children exchange (when all the kids visit him vs when all come hime and are with you). When theyre all not there, you get a few days of much needed down time. And their father has that responsibility for a few days. Try to set up the rotation so you always have the kids Sunday early am for Church. So that would mean home Sat by 730pm do theyre in bed by 8pm to get fully rested to be up early for Sunday school and worship hour. Maybe he could have the Kids Mon to Wed and you From Thurs (after school) to Monday morning (when they head to school). That way its sorta like you have them 3 days each since theres school day kinda on the switch day. And he can have them once a month on a Saturday from 7am to 7pm, if hes got something planned. That way you can go do something that day, yourself too. And you always have them for Church. You can set this up amicably in family court for 50/50 split with some child support on your end if hes willing to do that. If you keep things amicable on your end (regardless of how he behaves) you can kindly [without emotions] ask for help with certian things for the kids, and if he loves them he will help. But do it only if you cant provide that and inly if its realistic. Don't be having the kids in expensive sports and other activities. Those are a waste of time and come with a false carrot dangled for college scholarships. Such things are rare, and our lives are to be centered in God not worldly pursuits. Theyre better off either marrying and being a sahm or going into trades (better ROI), or starting a small business. Colleges today [unless attending a rare solid Christian one] are cesspool of liberal brainwashing that change your kid into someone you dont recognize. It is far better to avoid the college route today. It gives more flexibility too.
Plus, if your kids are at home then theyre not just available for daily family Bible hour where you teach thrm sbout Christianity... but also are available for church on Wed, (on Sat for special activities there) and def for Sunday. [And thats a very good thing, as you raise them up in the Lord, putting priority on God, centering their lives on Christ, so when they leave home they wont depart from the Faith. Having its truths hid in their heart, is important too as if they turn from church/God at 18, it means they never understood fully [like your fiance] but God can work on them to lead thrm to full truth and understanding. So you could pray daily for them, share biblical truths in love when possible, and hope that before they die God will save them. It might not happen in your lifetime, in some cases. But them getting genuinely saved is the greater hope.]
Of course short term activities are fine and they can do simple hobbies at home, and short term hobby gathering occasionally. Just dont let those outside things take over your kids life and have you running around non stop. They need structure, sleep and what you teach at home and at church about God and godly living. Once theyre adults they can get plugged into a hobby group or activity group that is solidly Christian based (comprised of born again believers only). They've their whole adult life to pursue those things.
I hardly had any of those things, snd I grew up fine, and am fine now. With little or a lot, God is with us and He directs our path and guides us in life.
Hope that helped guide.
Here's some resources to help you as you live out the Christian life, and set good examples for and lead your kids. ✨️✝️
God bless
Related
●Guidance and helps ( w/ varied tips)
Understanding:
Grasping the Parable of the Soils:
Comments
Post a Comment