sahm forced into unwanted divorce by spouse who gave up. Have 3 young kids, no money, not job
Q: Help, how I’m going to survive a separation into divorce! I feel like I’m literally dying. Not sleeping, not eating. Losing weight. Losing hair. Can’t function.
The reality of my 11 year marriage ending. I feel like I can’t survive. We have 3 young children. I have no money. No career. I own nothing. I’ll also have to see him everyday, because of our children. I can’t even grieve in the way of out of sight out of mind or something.
We are still sweet to each other. So much love there. But... he gave up. And no changing his mind. I can’t do this. šš
A: Prayers for God's peace over you as you trust Him.
I dont think that sounds like behavior of a saved man. He would go to the pastor for counsel, seek out professionals and do all he can for the marriage. I dont know the details of why you're separating or headed towards divorce. I dont want to assume who is at fault for why it got there, but hopefully you were living in submission to him [on non Faith matters] and living godly before him. Otherwise there being no peace in the home, no right respect towards him, not letting him lead, and the other things, that contribute to marriages falling apart. I am curious why you never sought biblical counseling for yourself and both of you so these things dont snowball into an avalanche. I know none of us are perfect, but at least you reached out now with a sliver of hope.
I would today recommend calling a biblical counselor, meet, and seeing what happened to get here, as well as what can be done to reverse this. If you have no money theres a free option here too. Do it today.
Tomorrow....you can start to go through the below and see if any of it can bring help, ideas and hope. At the minimum they might provide some peace regardless the direction this relationship ends up at.
⭐️He shouldnt finalize the divorce nor should you sign or agree to divorce [if it doesnt work out], nor a seperation.... until you have a job & real place to live. It's evil to throw a mom and kids out and not provide the expenses to survive, and help her with transition. As you noted it adds loads of stress to her, coming from sahm life. So have that convo with him, even if headed to seperation. *And try to include that right off with the counselors when you have the first session (together or seperate).
If divorce proceeds...If needed, have him take the kids for a few months so you can get your life started. That takes much stress and worry off yourself so you can have calm and focused time to get moving. Also see how your family can help if theyre in your life, extended family too, in talking with your husband, in varied ways, helping with a move, the things you need etc.
If divorce proceeds... it harms him too. You were married more than 10 years, so you'll get alimony $too. That will help you live. He will need to pay for child care too since you also will need to work. He will have to pay for lawyers for divorce also family court costs etc. Even if by chsnce he is financially well off... I'm not sure he fully realizes how much this will cost him [beyond the financial]. The grass always looks greener.
Its possible hes dealing with unresolved issues, trauma and things from his childhood or young adult life hes never worked through [biblically either]. So hes shut down. So counseling will help him too. ✨️
If theres a way to return and try again, remember these things too.... about him
* on Peace in the home:
Men seek PEACE at home. They want peace when they come home. If both are saved the Prince of Peace reins over the home, if not theres a peace imbalance, even if hes unsaved he craves peace. Point him to Christ.
Here's some videos I found today, (theyre probably in the playlist below as well). Go through these, also see which ones you can share with your husband, to see if you can move it back towards repair and restoration (in connection with the counselors help; pick a man btw so hubby is comfortable, and guy will guide him in man topics like husbandry, leadership, love etc).
*Filter it so you can see as many videos as possible, (since yt only shows 100 š and not everything in them).
Some suggest The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle, saying many stories there show women used suggested “skills” to win their husbands back, even after divorce was finalized. But š this has better book suggestions & guidance. ✨️
I heard of a niece that had a husband who wanted out, he was done. He thought he knew what he wanted. She found a biblical marriage counselor. She got him to go and it saved their marriage. You could maybe get him to go by letting him know that you need this in order to move forward. You need to be able tell your children that you tried everything. If he wont go, go by yourself because you need biblical guidance at this time and someone to help you move forward... whatever direction God takes you.
Know that, most regret their divorce. This little clip shows that, but we can change if we draw closer to God and by Him and the work we put in to grow... it is possible. Esp for Christians, (even if only the wife believes).
However, if he isnt saved, or has been lukewarm...then this is the right time to have that convo. The biblical counselor will probe this (but you can give a heads up on the initial call to let him know that, so he addresses it with your husband right away). You could also kinda simply have that convo with him also (to get him thinking), like a prep, using this resource for that convo.
Also if you want to go through these too cuz theres stuff in there on reviving faith and growing. If he professed Christ at some point or is lukewarm, it might help guide him too. Can't hurt. Do it in connection with the pastor talking with him.
If you do divorce, your children will need biblical counseling too to help with the transition and trauma. Make sure he is aware of that. And maybe aware of these videos too... (cuz hes acting selfishly too by not caring how this will harm and affect the kids). Yet another thing that affects and comes with the fallout of him choosing to check out and divorce.
If, for some reason, you are not a member of a church, contact one today, get a appt to talk to pastor... to pursue joining, and for all the things noted in this page that church community will do to help. We arent to live Christisn lives alone, nor apart from the local church.
If you need your pastor to be in intermediary to have & help have convos on any and all or also more other things, w your husband, then seek his help for that [outside biblical counseling] so you two can start communicating and getting things talked about & resolved.
For Finding Work, contact your family, extended family too, def your pastor; talk with church members, leaders in Sunday school classes, Bible study groups, fellowship, woman groups...everyone. put it in the church bulletin too (every week for a month). And see what they can suggest, they can to steer you to other folk too that they know, siblings, adult kids, relatives, friends, and see who might be looking for a worker. Conside gig jobs like uber and others. This also has some home based suggestions. The church community and elders counseling are part of the community and is why Church is to be an vital integrated part of your life. It could've been there to help you at the beginnings long ago when things started to go wrong, but they can help you like a safety net in many ways now and in spiritually guiding you into the future too. Dont let pride keep you from God helping you through the church.
God bless
Related
More helps:
* any here in your area will be fine. You could Just pick one and go. But.... you are better off ensuring he holds to the "Conservative-Permissive view" of divorce. So pick the first church you find where the pastor confirms that is his and church leadership view. Call the ones in the directory near you till you find one who does.
If you need a short script to talk say:
To secretary: I am looking for a new church to join and would like to ask the pastor a couple of questions first. Maybe for 15 minutes? Is he available or can he call me back today or tomorrow?
*[And follow up if he doesnt call back by 3pm timorrow]
To Pastor: [just calmly state this as facts]:
Hi my name is Jane. I have been a believer (newly/for many years), and am looking to join a church nearby. Would appreciate if you could tell me about your church, but...want to say upfront that my husband (who is unsaved/lukewarm) has given up on our marriage. We have 3 young children and I might be destitute soon, as he wants to seperate and divorce me. Btw, do you and your church hold to a "Conservative-Permissive view" of divorce? [If yes, say] ok. I would really need help getting plugged into the church, and need the support of the church & congregation during this time. I am stressed, i cant eat, sleep, my hair is falling out and ive lost weight. š¤ [Then let him talk].
If he says no, but has genuine concerns for you, you can just pop in there that "I just want to ensure that as a woman I wont be ridgedly, unlovingly judged and mistreated in any counseling and shepherding at the church, because even if I try well, at my growth and walk level, no one is perfect, and he also is at fault for our problems. Those who hold a narrower view of divorce arent really focused on grace and love and it harms a wife when shes in a situation she feels hopeless and discarded." [Then go back to the rest of the convo above to complete the call].
Don't take up a bunch of his time because he has other things to do today, has to get to counseling sessions and his family. He doesnt know you, but you can schedule a meet up for light counsel and further discuss the church, once you find a pastor and church you feel is right.
If the church has 100 to 400 members, they might have a couples, married, divorced group there who uplift and encourage each other. But dont pick a church based on that or larger numbers. You want one that will actively be in your life, have engaging folk and those who desiring to help and serve one another too. So ask about that during a follow up call or at the meet up.
You def could call a few churches and have the same convo, before deciding which one to visit.
Send a thank you card to the ones you spoke with and let them know you joined church x.
*Bookmark this page to go through the above (and these here below) in the coming days and weekd. These will help you in your Christian Walk too.
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